Once again, I know the dates don’t match up, but y’all should know by now that I really don’t give 2 flying fucks about that. What I’m writing about was on my mind on the above date so that’s the date that I decided to place on it. So sue me!

A quick recap of what’s been happening in my life recently…

My father went into the hospital on July 25, 2007 and passed away on September 7, 2007. I was a little off-center before he went into the hospital, but to be without the constant support of the one person who was always there for me on a daily basis threw me off a little more. And now that he’s gone, I barely feel like I’m myself. I’m doing exponentially better now than I was right after his death, but I’m still learning how to be me without him. It’s been hard definitely, and parts of my personality have undergone temporary changes that I’m not exactly happy with. Mainly, I seem to be using an extraordinary amount of profanity! I find myself saying a curse word in almost every sentence! That’s nothing like me for real. And my drive to do certain things seems to come and go. But the one thing that I can’t seem to get back is my voice. Now I’m not talking about my actual voice (how weird would it be to have laryngitis for 3 months?), I’m speaking about my voice as a poet. At first I thought that my gift would return eventually, after all, I just lost my BEST friend in the whole world. But now, I fear that I no longer have the ability to express myself in verse. And for as trivial as that might sound to some, I am deathly afraid of that thought. My poetry was always the one place I could go and just be myself, no matter what that was on any given day. And to not have that and to be without my father makes me feel like I’m truly alone in the world right now.

Now, I’m at a point that I don’t really know what anything beyond where I want to be geographically. And worst of all, my personality has once again split itself into polar opposites. Now I’ve gone through this before (The last recorded instance can be found in this very blog. Check the entry titled “A Quick Recap of What’s Been Happening in My Life”), but once again, I had my father there to draw strength from to deal with this in an effective and efficient manner. Now I just don’t know. I know I want to move back to ATL (much to the chagrin of my family and a few “friends”) and I know I want to do that for the same reasons as before. But now I have a new one. I honestly feel like if I stay in St. Louis, I’m going to die. True, we’re all gonna die someday and dying one place isn’t really any different from dying somewhere else, but that’s not what I mean. I feel like living in this city is killing me, the real me, that I’ve tried so hard to let come out. And when “he” dies, the physical representation of ya boy isn’t far behind. And you can take that however you want. And the thing that really gets to me is that the woman I spoke about in the above mentioned entry, I can’t seem to get rid of her. And please believe that I have tried my hardest to do so. But therein lies the dilemma, if someone keeps coming back, no matter how hard you try to dispose of them, does that mean that you are meant to be with that person? And if I ‘m not meant to be with her, then who? I feel like right now I’m destined to spend the rest of my life alone, and that kinda bothers me. I know I might not be the best candidate for a husband, but I can’t really imagine that there is no one in the world that I’m meant to be with.

That’s enough for now. I’m starting to just ramble on and nobody wants to read that mess…