I know what you’re saying, “Wow! 2 posts on consecutive days! We must be lucky or he’s got a lot of shit on his mind!” You should definitely lean towards the latter. I woke up today in a house that’s not my own, in a bed that feels so cold and couldn’t shake this horrible feeling that I have. I know you’re probably wondering, “What was the horrible feeling?” Well, I woke up today and honestly felt like I just might be a bad person. And I’m not really too sure how I here, all I know is I’m ready to go.

Let me start from the beginning. I hope you have some time to read because this is gonna take a while. Everything I’m about to say has actually been documented in this very blog. You will notice that I will try to give you the exact location so you can go read the earlier post if you choose to do so. This train wreck all started in December 2005. That’s when my biological clock kinda kicked into overdrive (Today’s Reflection – 12/1/2005)! And yes, men also have a biological clock. Please don’t think women have that franchise locked down. Now, the woman I spoke of in that entry is completely out of the picture, and in hindsight she was more of a perfect friend at a time that I needed one than anything else. She was always there to talk when I needed someone to talk to, and she never judged me, she just gave advice and moved along to another subject. She even took the time to read my poetry, and y’all know that’s BIG with me! I do still carry feelings for her, but there more along the lines of a brother-sister thing now. It’s kind of a shame that we’ve fallen out of touch, but maybe she was only meant to be around for a short time, maybe she’ll make a reappearance somewhere down the road. Who knows?

As time moved along, I started to notice that my life wasn’t really taking shape the way I had envisioned it (Today’s Reflection – 12/13/2005: 3rd paragraph). Also, I was kinda starting to miss my family (Today’s Reflection – 12/13/2005: 1st paragraph). But once again, I think missing my kinfolks came out the fact that I hadn’t seen them in a few years. Also, around this time I started getting the parental pressure to settle down and start a family. Let me clear that up a little bit. My father took me out to lunch and directly asked me when I was gonna find someone to marry and have some kids with. Now, all of this festers for about 5 or 6 months until it comes to light that I would be moving back to St.Louis. In a way, I was happy. I would be able to go see my mother, little brother and grandparents almost anytime I wanted. At the same time I was a little saddened by the fact I had to leave Atlanta because it is such a beautiful city where you can’t help but see successful black people, which is what I think I really needed and need in my life. Too bad I didn’t realize that until it was too late, but everything happens for a reason.

Now, upon arriving in St. Louis, life looked promising and bleak at the same time. Let me expound: The optimist in me was sure I would be able to make all of my dreams happen here, but the realist in me knew that there was something on the horizon that would completely shift my life in a way that I might not be able to recover from. How’s that for foreshadowing? Here’s a quick recap of what happened from June 2006 to March 2007. This whole paragraph can be found in the post titled “A Quick Recap of What’s Been Happening in My Life…” that was posted on May 14 2007.

“I relocated to St. Louis in June of 2006 and all was good. I was finally back in my hometown, I couldn’t be happier. I was like a kid in a candy store. Shortly after moving, I started working in a call center for Comcast. At the time it seemed like a pretty cool job. I met a lot of great people and my hours were reasonably decent. About a month or so after I started my job, I started dating this BEAUTIFUL young lady, and then I started dating an even more BEAUTIFUL young lady. Every young man’s dream, right? After these 2 highly attractive women were out of the picture, I started dating my third GORGEOUS woman in as many tries. At this time, I’m feeling like I hit the lotto. Some time went by and I met another young lady who seemed like she was about 2 inches away from being perfect for me. We got extremely serious (I’m talking marriage serious) but we seemed to keep having little snags in our relationship that kept it from being all that it could be. Let me break that last part down for y’all a little bit. First, we had an argument about something stupid, and instead of talking about it like adults, we ignored each other like children. Well, for those that know me well enough, you know I don’t do well with not being the center of attention (I’m getting better at it now, though) and I ran off and did something that I definitely regretted. That’s not the worse part of that whole ordeal. That would be in the fact that my girl caught me in “the act” so to speak. Y’all know how black folks do, we had a big fight outside and got the cops called on us. After the dust from that settled, you could tell that the trust in our relationship had gotten it’s ass thrown out of window! She always wanted to accuse me of doing something, I swore up and down she was backsliding (y’all like how I throw the old school word in there?), and things were pretty much FUBAR (Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition). All of this bullshit is made even more horrible by the fact that she had a daughter that I’m crazy about! So here I am, stuck in between the old me who would run for the hills at the first sign of strife in a relationship and this new me who wanted to stay and work through the difficulties ( I don’t know where I found that second version at, but his punk ass is gone now!). This goes on from around Thanksgiving all the way up until March, and that’s when the shit started to get real fun! First, I got fired for some bullshit I didn’t do (never work in a call center, it’s purely for the bitch at heart). Next, my girl gets this strange text message from “me” stating that I’m gay. Come on now! If I’m gay, George W. Bush is a black man and a member of the Black Panther Party! Next, she has a conversation over the Internet with somebody who claims that HE was my lover for 6 months while I lived in Kansas City, MO. True, I did used to live in KCMO, WHEN I WAS 12! How many 12 year olds do you know that have a love shack with their gay lover? I can’t think of any off the top of my head, but if you give me a little time to do some research, I’ll see what I can come up with. So, here I am, unemployed, depressed and being accused of being a homosexual by the woman that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. How’s that for hitting rock bottom?”

Now, once again, hindsight is 20/20. When I really look back on that period of time in my life, I can honestly say I would’ve eventually blew my fucking brains out if I had married that broad! And to the young woman who intervened that fateful October night, I owe you my life! Thank you so much! But enough about that, let me give some more insight on this “interesting” period in my life. First, the bitch was a thief! I didn’t find this out until around March or April of 2007. Secondly, I admit that I was more in love with the idea of being a father to her daughter than anything else. Because for all the shit that I talk, I really do love kids! Also, while my “relationship” with her was completely fucked up on all levels, this had nothing on what was waiting for me down the road.

After washing the bad taste out of my mouth, I put my head back into the game. I got re-focused on doing my thing. I would say I put love’s ass on the back burner, that wouldn’t be completely accurate. I put love’s ass in the freezer with a note that said “Don’t Open Until 2010!” I really wasn’t thinking about it, didn’t want to either. Just look at what happened to me the last time I was in a relationship! Would you want to step out there again if that was your last experience? I didn’t think so. And then July 25, 2007 came along and my world would never be the same again. That’s the day my father went into the hospital. I wish I could say that I knew he could get better, but that would be a bold-faced lie. When I dropped my dad off at Christian Hospital Northeast, I sat in the parking lot and KNEW he would never walk out again. And that put me in a place that I still haven’t been able to fully escape from to this day. And that was over a year ago. The next month and a half were a bit or blur. All I did was work, go to the hospital and argue with everybody. And then he passed away at 12:02 AM on September 7, 2007. And my world got a little darker, and the minor split in my personality that had been plaguing me for the past decade became a full out break. The real me laid down in a casket on September 14, 2007 in KCMO and I wasn’t never too sure if I would get him back out or if I even really wanted to. It had officially become easier to be the heartless asshole who didn’t really care about anybody or anything that wasn’t him than it was to be the shy, insecure guy who had just lost the one person that had been there for him his whole life. And that’s the day I decided to run.

I wasn’t just running away from my father’s spirit or from dealing with the fact that he was gone, as most people think. Once again, I had that feeling that was something looming over the horizon for me, and while I knew whatever was waiting for me wouldn’t be as negative, I knew it would just as Earth-shaking as my father’s death and I really wasn’t prepared for it. Not right now. I felt like what I needed was a little time to get over what had just happened and recoup to an extent before God threw me another curve ball. But, we all know, God does things on his schedule, not ours. First, my departure was postponed due to financial situations. That really fucked with me because it started to feel like somebody had it out for me. Secondly, God started to show me what lied ahead, but I only got small doses and never got the whole picture. Then, Jessica called me. I can assure you that the last thing on my mind when she re-entered my life was love or marriage. My sole focus was my escape from a city that seemed like it was the root of all problems for me. But, my plan wasn’t His plan. And I fell in love without knowing it was happening, and that made me want to run just a little bit more. But once again, He stepped in to make sure I knew that my plan wasn’t His plan. My best friend and his fiancee’ (now wife) and Jessica staged an intervention of sorts. And for as bad as I wanted to ignore what they were saying to me, something made me listen. And I decided to stay. Not because of my own reasons, but because of her. In case you didn’t know, love is a powerful force. We decided to move in together because both of our living situations weren’t exactly what we wanted. And we wanted to be together. Everything was good, for not for long. I still was rebelling against the things that God had been showing me, even though I was able to see more than ever before. And at the same time, He made her start picking at the mask I was wearing. Once again, I was staring in the mirror and seeing 2 faces that were both my own. One face was telling my to run like wind because I knew she didn’t want the real me. Who wants a man who’s too shy and insecure to even talk on the phone sometimes? The other face was telling me to let her because she deserved the right to know and make the choice for herself. I really wished I had listened to the second one because now I’ve managed to push away a woman that was sent to me by God! That has got to be an amazing feat! But it is definitely one that I’m not proud of.

So now, here I am. Stuck in a city I don’t want to be in, loving and wanting a woman that my Father sent me, my father would approve of and that my family loves. The bad part is that she doesn’t want anything to do with me. And I have no idea what to do or anyone to turn to. Thanks for listening…