Sorry, no jokes to open this post. I’m not really feeling like myself. Today marks the one year anniversary of my father’s death, and I think I’m taking it a little too hard. What makes it worse though is the fact that I’m having to deal with by myself. But then again, I’ve been dealing with it by myself for the past year so that shouldn’t be anything new to me. I know everybody has to deal with death, and I’m not the only one who has lost a parent, but my situation is a little different. Maybe it would help if you understood my relationship with my father. Maybe it would if I understood my relationship with my father.

My father and I have been together since I was 4. He was there for just about every major event that happened in my life. He was my best friend and my worst enemy. My style icon. My hero. My image of what a man should be and how he should live. My confidante. My conscience. My therapist. My motivation and, at times, my inspiration. My punching bag when I needed to vent about something. My advice column when I just couldn’t figure shit out on my own. My source of courage. My crutch when I couldn’t stand on my own 2 feet. My educator. The mirror into my soul. My relationship with my father seemed like the only one I could maintain. Everybody else came and went, but he was always there. And now he’s not. And I feel so alone in the world without him. I don’t know what I’m going to do or where I’m gonna go.

I can remember before he died, I knew what general direction my life was heading in. I couldn’t tell you exactly what was destined for me, but I had a clue. And after he passed, the path got a kinda dark. But I could still see what direction I was heading in. I met someone, fell in love and a little light was cast into my world, I was able to see what was ahead. But now, 1 year removed from the worst day of my life so far, I’m without both of them. And it scares me to death.

I’m gonna stop here because I’m having a really hard time keeping my composure enough to type. Assalamu Alaikam