Good afternoon, good people! I hope this entry finds you in good health and even better spirits as we are finally at the end of 2011. For some reason this year has felt like it was long as hell! But I’m glad to say that I’m here to see the end of it and look forward to bringing in 2012. I know this is so cliche, but I feel like 2012 might actually be my year. I’ve had a hell of a time just surviving the past few years. So its got to be my time to shine, right? I hope so because I’m not sure if I can go through another year of living my dreams. Usually this would be the time that I would start thinking of a lengthy list of New Year’s Resolutions, but I’ve realized that that’s just a waste of time and energy. Let’s be honest, how many of us really hold strong to our New Year’s Resolutions? I don’t know about you, but I tend to forget about mine by Martin Luther King Day. So what’s the point? So this year, instead of making up a list of shallow, meaningless goals that I’m gonna forget about before the end of the month, I’ve decided to make a list of New Year’s Re-commitments. Basically, I wanna continue to do the things that I’ve been doing, but I want to try to do them a little better. I know you’re curious as to what is on my list, right? Well, read on. They’re all explained below…

I want to continue to progress towards finding a balance between the person I was and the person I want to be. Its no secret that my father’s death 4 years ago left me as a shell of myself. But, I never realized how far removed I am from MJB circa 2007. I was lighthearted, jovial, social butterfly that felt like the world was mine for the taking. More recently, I’ve felt like I’m a little too jaded to have that kind of eternal optimism. I need to get that back, that bright-eyed, energy that made me feel like I could do anything I want. But at the same time, I need to refocus myself on the things I have passion for. I’ve allowed myself to stray away from the things that bring me the most joy. I think that’s what has left me staring off into space, wondering why I’m afflicted with writer’s block for such lengthy periods of time.

I want to make more of a concerted effort to let the people that mean the most to me know how much they mean to me. I tend to find that I isolate myself from those that matter most. I don’t necessarily have a valid reason for doing this, but it has become my modus operandi as of late. So, consider this my official apology to those that I love and that love me. I’m sorry for being so distant, I promise to do better. I love you all and I swear I’ll do my best to make sure you know that.

I want to find love this year. Let’s make sure we’re clear on this. I’m not saying I want to get married before December 31, 2012, even though it would be nice if it happened. All I’m saying is I want to find someone that I can share that kind of bond with. I think its one of the major pieces missing in my life. When I sit back and think about it, I haven’t been in a serious, committed relationship since 2008. That’s a long time! Especially when it wasn’t a designed or self-imposed removal from the search for love. I will admit that for a period of time, I did pull myself off the market purely because I needed time to try and reconnect with who I was and am as a person. That’s still a process that I’m going through, but I’ve come to realize that its going to be an ongoing project. There’s no need to keep to myself. Also, I notice that the people that I find myself attracted to don’t always reciprocate those feelings, and the people that do find themselves attracted to me aren’t what I’m looking for either. Which is kind of strange, because I don’t really have a certain type of woman that I pursue. But I refuse to settle just because I want to settle down.

This is more of a resolution than a re-commitment, but I need to go see my father. I haven’t been to my father’s grave since October 2008. I told myself that I would visit him on his birthday every year. But, for one reason or another, I haven’t been able to do it these last 3 years. The last time that I attempted to, I freaked out on the highway and almost wrecked my rental car. But, my best friend has promised to go with me (she actually threatened me if I didn’t go), so I will be making that trip sometime in March. I’m not exactly sure how I feel about it. Part of me wants to go, wants to go see my family, hang out in the city I was born in (because I don’t consider Kansas City my hometown but that’s a story for a different time) and visit people that I haven’t seen in a while. But there’s a part of me that dreads having to go to the cemetery, stand over his grave and deal with all the emotions I have about his death. If I can barely bring myself to talk about them from 1000 miles away from him, how am I gonna handle standing inches away? My inner asshole, which I’ve been told is more of my outward personality than I care to believe, thinks its going to be an interesting trip. I guess we’ll see in March, huh?

That’s pretty much it. Those are the 4 things that I feel are vital to my personal success in 2012. Hopefully, I won’t forget about them by Valentine’s Day. So until next year, be safe. Peace and love…