Good afternoon world. As I sit here and stare out the window at a beautiful early spring day in Atlanta, I can’t help but feel… horrible. I feel absolutely, positively, unequivocally like shit. And this isn’t the first day I’ve felt like this. Hell, I’m still trying to remember the last time I actually felt good. Or was genuinely happy. I know one thing, its been a long damn time. I also know something else, some shit has got to change. The reason I’ve decided to talk about it is because I think I’m more comfortable about what’s going on in my head now than I have been in the past. That’s not to say I’m comfortable with the way I feel, but it doesn’t make me feel as uneasy as it has previously. So let’s get right into it, shall we?

For as long as I can honestly remember (which is a lot longer than I’m willing to admit), I have had a very hard time controlling my mood. Let me clarify. That doesn’t mean that I’m prone to unexpected mood swings. But if I wake up and feel bad, I feel BAD. And that dark cloud is liable to stay over me for the day. Sometimes, multiple days. Or weeks. Or months. When I was younger, I dealt with this by drinking. Heavily. And bedding pretty much any female that came my way. As I entered my twenties, the prevailing thought by those that were closest to me was that I suffered from depression. I never sought a professional opinion about this because the thought of being on medication to control my mood just completely bothered the fuck out of me. So instead of seeking help, I continued with what had worked for me in the past.

Now here I am, 33 years old and facing those old demons once again. Except this time, the vices and crutches that were effective in the past no longer work. I wake up every morning and almost have to convince myself that life is still worth living. There are some days that are not as bad as others, but that’s like trying to differentiate between dying by lethal injection or the electric chair. Neither offers a very promising future. Unlike before, I did go about seeking a professional’s opinion. I went to go see a psychiatrist (instead of a psychologist, as I was advised to do). After talking with her for a couple of hours and telling her about all the dark places in my head, she said that what I described sounded like Bipolar Disorder and suggested that after a few more sessions, I begin taking medication. No offense to anyone that suffers from Bipolar Disorder, but that ain’t the kid. My emotional pendulum doesn’t swing wildly, it tends to stay stuck in one position and it feels like it almost takes an act of God for it move ever so slightly. So once again, I’m staring the D word right in the face. And while I’m still a bit apprehensive about taking medication, my stance on it has softened considerably. I mean if it helps me get back to being me, it’s worth a try. Right?

Enough with the dark and sad shit, let’s get to the good part…

After quite a bit of contemplation, I’ve come to the decision that my time in Atlanta needs to come to an end. Again. For the third time, right? So what makes this time different than the others? This time, I think it might be permanent. It feels like it needs to be. Or at least, for the foreseeable future. Now I know what you’re thinking: where we will he go? I’ve decided (at least for right now) to go back to St. Louis. Being there puts me in a good location to be able to jump up and go see the faces that I think can make me smile just about whenever I want to. I would be a few hours away from my family, which I love dearly even though I ignore them most of the time. I would be in the same city as a woman that has meant a great deal to me for a very long time. And before you start trying to figure out which female from sorted past I could be referring to, I’m talking about the woman I affectionately refer to as my mom. Get your minds out of the gutter and those trashy romance novels. This decision was not reached frivolously. I really had to take some time and do some soul searching.

The one conundrum in all of this grandiose planning of mine is a certain young lady that has made off with my heart like thief in the night. As much as I would LOVE to move to be closer to her, I think doing so now would cause more damage to our relationship than any good it would do. Right now, I really need to get myself back to being the person that everybody knows and loves me being. Or at the very least, as close to him as I can get. I know this news might come to the chagrin of a few people (I’m sorry) and the delight of some others (Yay), but I had to make this call. It’s what I feel is best for me at this point in my life. And right now, that has to be my priority. Hell, I have to be my priority.

I haven’t really worked out the details for how I’m going to make this all happen. Those will hopefully unveil themselves over the coming weeks and months. But I do have a timetable. I plan to be back in Missouri by this time, next year. By any means necessary, to steal a line from Malcolm X.

I understand there might be a few of you that could give a flying fuck about where I am geographically, you wanna know where I stand creatively. Rest assured that my book will get completed. Hopefully, by the end of the summer. With that being said, the second and third books in the series will follow shortly. I think I’m just going to keep writing once I’m done with the first one, instead of taking a break between manuscripts. So, there’s no need to worry. And I’m also brainstorming about another book idea. And I’m still working on that book of poetry that I’ve been talking about for some years now.

One more thing and I’ll let you guys go. If you know me, I mean really know me, I need your help. If at any time you’re free, please come spend time with me. Drag me, kicking and screaming, out of my funk if you have to. I don’t care what we do, I just need that interaction with people to bring me out of the darkness. That’s the one thing that’s different now as opposed to the past. My social circle was always within reach. Being around my friends, family and loved ones has a way of dispelling the clouds and allowing the sun to shine upon me.

Can’t you tell that I’m totally in love with the English language, as most writers are?

That’s all I got for you good people today. Like always, peace and love until the next time we meet…