Dear Chief,

It’s been 10 years since you left. I hate saying that. I hate saying it that way. You didn’t leave by your own volition, you were taken from us by an seemingly unstoppable monster. I wish I could say the last decade has been easy for me. Hell, to call it hard would be a gross understatement. I hate that you’re not here for me to lean on when I feel like I have nobody. I hate that I’ll never get to see you flash that Cheshire Cat grin again. I hate that I’ll never hear you call me Slick, Knucklehead or any other of the countless names you had for me. I hate that the only picture I have of you is almost as old as I am. What was your aversion to cameras anyway?

I went to a very dark place for a really long time after you were gone. I did a lot of things I’m not proud of. Hurt a lot of people that tried to do nothing but care for me. I think that’s part of the reason why I’m still apprehensive about letting someone in. I know karma is a cold hearted bitch and I know I’m on her radar. I’m scared that all the negative I put out into the world will come crashing back at the same time and in a way I might not survive. But more on that later.

I wrote a book. I don’t know if that’s the vision you had for me when you first decided to nurture that writer’s spirit in me, but it felt like something I needed to do. And while it might not have done the numbers I (we) would’ve wanted, everyone that’s read constantly tells me how wonderful the story is. Even though it almost killed me in more than one way and on more than one occasion to write it, I have you to thank for the foresight to let me dream on paper.

I met someone. I really wish you were here to meet her. I wish she still wanted me the way I want her. Maybe she does, but just needs a little space from all the baggage I’ve dropped on her. Maybe this is karma’s way of balancing the ledger. I don’t know. Maybe I’m too damaged to love or be loved. I pray that the struggles we’re going through right now are just temporary. I’d hate to see my life without her. 

I’m scared, Dad. Not of anything or anyone. But of not living up to the vision you had for me. I’m scared that I’m never going to be the man you wanted me to be. Even worst, I’m scared I never was gonna be him. Times like this are when I would come to you for advice. But with you not being here, who do I turn to? I feel more alone now than ever have before.

That’s all I have for now. I promise to come visit you soon. It’s hard for me to be there, but that’s not an excuse. I love you, Chief.