I Sing the Body Electric by Walt Whitman

Greetings world, or at least the handful of people that take the time to read my ramblings. I hope this blog finds you in good health. Once again, I sincerely apologize for the gap between my entries. I’ve been dealing with quite a bit lately. That’s not an excuse, but it is the truth. On to new business. I’ve recently decided that I wanna share my poetry on a (slightly) grander scale than I currently occupy. But, in doing so, I ran into a bit of a conundrum. What to start with? Should I lead off with, what I feel is my best piece or should I post them in chronological order to show my progression as a writer? Should I just pick a piece at random or ask those closest to me (that have taken the time to read my poetry) for their input? All of that back and forth with myself gave me a bit of a headache! So I decided to lead off with someone else’s work, the great Walt Whitman. Enjoy…

I SING the Body electric;
The armies of those I love engirth me, and I engirth them;
They will not let me off till I go with them, respond to them,
And discorrupt them, and charge them full with the charge of the Soul.

Was it doubted that those who corrupt their own bodies conceal themselves;
And if those who defile the living are as bad as they who defile the dead?
And if the body does not do as much as the Soul?
And if the body were not the Soul, what is the Soul?

The love of the Body of man or woman balks account—the body itself balks account;
That of the male is perfect, and that of the female is perfect.

The expression of the face balks account;
But the expression of a well-made man appears not only in his face;
It is in his limbs and joints also, it is curiously in the joints of his hips and wrists;

It is in his walk, the carriage of his neck, the flex of his waist and knees—dress does not hide him;
The strong, sweet, supple quality he has, strikes through the cotton and flannel;
To see him pass conveys as much as the best poem, perhaps more;
You linger to see his back, and the back of his neck and shoulder-side.

The sprawl and fulness of babes, the bosoms and heads of women, the folds of their dress,
their style as we pass in the street, the contour of their shape downwards,
The swimmer naked in the swimming-bath, seen as he swims through the transparent
green-shine, or lies with his face up, and rolls silently to and fro in the heave of the water,
The bending forward and backward of rowers in row-boats—the horseman in his saddle,
Girls, mothers, house-keepers, in all their performances,
The group of laborers seated at noon-time with their open dinner-kettles, and their wives waiting,
The female soothing a child—the farmer’s daughter in the garden or cow-yard,
The young fellow hoeing corn—the sleigh-driver guiding his six horses through the crowd,

The wrestle of wrestlers, two apprentice-boys, quite grown, lusty, good-natured,
native-born, out on the vacant lot at sundown, after work,
The coats and caps thrown down, the embrace of love and resistance,
The upper-hold and the under-hold, the hair rumpled over and blinding the eyes;
The march of firemen in their own costumes, the play of masculine muscle through clean-setting trowsers and waist-straps,
The slow return from the fire, the pause when the bell strikes suddenly again, and the listening on the alert,
The natural, perfect, varied attitudes—the bent head, the curv’d neck, and the counting;
Such-like I love—I loosen myself, pass freely, am at the mother’s breast with the little child,
Swim with the swimmers, wrestle with wrestlers, march in line with the firemen, and pause, listen, and count.

I know a man, a common farmer—the father of five sons;
And in them were the fathers of sons—and in them were the fathers of sons.

This man was of wonderful vigor, calmness, beauty of person;
The shape of his head, the pale yellow and white of his hair and beard, and the
immeasurable meaning of his black eyes—the richness and breadth of his manners,
These I used to go and visit him to see—he was wise also;
He was six feet tall, he was over eighty years old—his sons were massive, clean, bearded, tan-faced, handsome;
They and his daughters loved him—all who saw him loved him;
They did not love him by allowance—they loved him with personal love;
He drank water only—the blood show’d like scarlet through the clear-brown skin of his face;
He was a frequent gunner and fisher—he sail’d his boat himself—he had a fine one
presented to him by a ship-joiner—he had fowling-pieces, presented to him by men that loved him;
When he went with his five sons and many grand-sons to hunt or fish, you would pick him
out as the most beautiful and vigorous of the gang.

You would wish long and long to be with him—you would wish to sit by him in the boat,
that you and he might touch each other.

I have perceiv’d that to be with those I like is enough,
To stop in company with the rest at evening is enough,
To be surrounded by beautiful, curious, breathing, laughing flesh is enough,
To pass among them, or touch any one, or rest my arm ever so lightly round his or her neck for a moment—what is this, then?
I do not ask any more delight—I swim in it, as in a sea.

There is something in staying close to men and women, and looking on them, and in the contact and odor of them, that pleases the soul well;
All things please the soul—but these please the soul well.

This is the female form;
A divine nimbus exhales from it from head to foot;
It attracts with fierce undeniable attraction!
I am drawn by its breath as if I were no more than a helpless vapor—all falls aside but myself and it;
Books, art, religion, time, the visible and solid earth, the atmosphere and the clouds, and what was expected of heaven or fear’d of hell, are now consumed;
Mad filaments, ungovernable shoots play out of it—the response likewise ungovernable;
Hair, bosom, hips, bend of legs, negligent falling hands, all diffused—mine too diffused;
Ebb stung by the flow, and flow stung by the ebb—love-flesh swelling and deliciously aching;
Limitless limpid jets of love hot and enormous, quivering jelly of love, white-blow and delirious juice;
Bridegroom night of love, working surely and softly into the prostrate dawn;
Undulating into the willing and yielding day,
Lost in the cleave of the clasping and sweet-flesh’d day.

This is the nucleus—after the child is born of woman, the man is born of woman;
This is the bath of birth—this is the merge of small and large, and the outlet again.

Be not ashamed, women—your privilege encloses the rest, and is the exit of the rest;
You are the gates of the body, and you are the gates of the soul.

The female contains all qualities, and tempers them—she is in her place, and moves with perfect balance;
She is all things duly veil’d—she is both passive and active;
She is to conceive daughters as well as sons, and sons as well as daughters.

As I see my soul reflected in nature;
As I see through a mist, one with inexpressible completeness and beauty,
See the bent head, and arms folded over the breast—the female I see.

The male is not less the soul, nor more—he too is in his place;
He too is all qualities—he is action and power;
The flush of the known universe is in him;
Scorn becomes him well, and appetite and defiance become him well;
The wildest largest passions, bliss that is utmost, sorrow that is utmost, become him well—pride is for him;
The full-spread pride of man is calming and excellent to the soul;
Knowledge becomes him—he likes it always—he brings everything to the test of himself;
Whatever the survey, whatever the sea and the sail, he strikes soundings at last only here;
(Where else does he strike soundings, except here?)

The man’s body is sacred, and the woman’s body is sacred;
No matter who it is, it is sacred;
Is it a slave? Is it one of the dull-faced immigrants just landed on the wharf?
Each belongs here or anywhere, just as much as the well-off—just as much as you;
Each has his or her place in the procession.

(All is a procession; The universe is a procession, with measured and beautiful motion.)

Do you know so much yourself, that you call the slave or the dull-face ignorant?
Do you suppose you have a right to a good sight, and he or she has no right to a sight?
Do you think matter has cohered together from its diffuse float—and the soil is on the surface, and water runs, and vegetation sprouts,
For you only, and not for him and her?

A man’s Body at auction;
I help the auctioneer—the sloven does not half know his business.

Gentlemen, look on this wonder!
Whatever the bids of the bidders, they cannot be high enough for it;
For it the globe lay preparing quintillions of years, without one animal or plant;
For it the revolving cycles truly and steadily roll’d.

In this head the all-baffling brain;
In it and below it, the makings of heroes.

Examine these limbs, red, black, or white—they are so cunning in tendon and nerve;
They shall be stript, that you may see them.

Exquisite senses, life-lit eyes, pluck, volition,
Flakes of breast-muscle, pliant back-bone and neck, flesh not flabby, good-sized arms and legs,
And wonders within there yet.

Within there runs blood,
The same old blood!
The same red-running blood!
There swells and jets a heart—there all passions, desires, reachings, aspirations;
Do you think they are not there because they are not express’d in parlors and lecture-rooms?

This is not only one man—this is the father of those who shall be fathers in their turns;
In him the start of populous states and rich republics;
Of him countless immortal lives, with countless embodiments and enjoyments.

How do you know who shall come from the offspring of his offspring through the centuries?
Who might you find you have come from yourself, if you could trace back through the centuries?

A woman’s Body at auction!
She too is not only herself—she is the teeming mother of mothers;
She is the bearer of them that shall grow and be mates to the mothers.

Have you ever loved the Body of a woman?
Have you ever loved the Body of a man?
Your father—where is your father?
Your mother—is she living? have you been much with her? and has she been much with you?

—Do you not see that these are exactly the same to all, in all nations and times, all over the earth?

If any thing is sacred, the human body is sacred,
And the glory and sweet of a man, is the token of manhood untainted;
And in man or woman, a clean, strong, firm-fibred body, is beautiful as the most beautiful face.

Have you seen the fool that corrupted his own live body? or the fool that corrupted her own live body?
For they do not conceal themselves, and cannot conceal themselves.

O my Body! I dare not desert the likes of you in other men and women, nor the likes of the parts of you;
I believe the likes of you are to stand or fall with the likes of the Soul, (and that they are the Soul;)
I believe the likes of you shall stand or fall with my poems—and that they are poems,
Man’s, woman’s, child’s, youth’s, wife’s, husband’s, mother’s, father’s, young man’s, young woman’s poems;
Head, neck, hair, ears, drop and tympan of the ears,
Eyes, eye-fringes, iris of the eye, eye-brows, and the waking or sleeping of the lids,
Mouth, tongue, lips, teeth, roof of the mouth, jaws, and the jaw-hinges,
Nose, nostrils of the nose, and the partition,
Cheeks, temples, forehead, chin, throat, back of the neck, neck-slue,
Strong shoulders, manly beard, scapula, hind-shoulders, and the ample side-round of the chest.

Upper-arm, arm-pit, elbow-socket, lower-arm, arm-sinews, arm-bones,
Wrist and wrist-joints, hand, palm, knuckles, thumb, fore-finger, finger-balls, finger-joints, finger-nails,
Broad breast-front, curling hair of the breast, breast-bone, breast-side,
Ribs, belly, back-bone, joints of the back-bone,
Hips, hip-sockets, hip-strength, inward and outward round, man-balls, man-root,
Strong set of thighs, well carrying the trunk above,
Leg-fibres, knee, knee-pan, upper-leg, under leg,
Ankles, instep, foot-ball, toes, toe-joints, the heel;
All attitudes, all the shapeliness, all the belongings of my or your body, or of any one’s body, male or female,
The lung-sponges, the stomach-sac, the bowels sweet and clean,
The brain in its folds inside the skull-frame,
Sympathies, heart-valves, palate-valves, sexuality, maternity,
Womanhood, and all that is a woman—and the man that comes from woman,
The womb, the teats, nipples, breast-milk, tears, laughter, weeping, love-looks, love-perturbations and risings,
The voice, articulation, language, whispering, shouting aloud,
Food, drink, pulse, digestion, sweat, sleep, walking, swimming,
Poise on the hips, leaping, reclining, embracing, arm-curving and tightening,
The continual changes of the flex of the mouth, and around the eyes,
The skin, the sun-burnt shade, freckles, hair,
The curious sympathy one feels, when feeling with the hand the naked meat of the body,
The circling rivers, the breath, and breathing it in and out,
The beauty of the waist, and thence of the hips, and thence downward toward the knees,
The thin red jellies within you, or within me—the bones, and the marrow in the bones,
The exquisite realization of health;
O I say, these are not the parts and poems of the Body only, but of the Soul,
O I say now these are the Soul!

The Revolution Has Been Synthesized

Two in one day! What can I say? I’m on a bit of a roll! Honestly though, since I couldn’t think of a topic to write about, I’d figured I would go ahead and start sharing my poetry. As I said in my last piece, I wasn’t exactly sure where to start when it comes to my writings. My topics are all over the map. Should I start with a sappy love poem? Maybe something political? Or how about something that is intimate and personal to showcase those things that my friends swear I don’t have. What are they called again? Oh yeah, emotions. So after hours upon hours of deliberation (actually it was only a few minutes. I set this entry to post a few hours after I actually finished it.), I have decided on a poem to lead off with!

Here’s a little background on what you’re about to read…

It was orginially written during the 2008 Presidential election. As I watched the charismatic Senator from Illinois run around the country (and sometimes the world) and capture the hearts of millions, I couldn’t help but think that his existence in the public eye was nothing more than an attempt to pacify the masses of unhappy American citizens that had grown weary with the status quo. Here was a man, barely 20 years my senior with no real prior executive experience, running for the highest office in the land! What made it worse was it seemed like he was running almost unopposed. Hilary Clinton was a minor roadblock for all of the political equivalent of 15 seconds. Then he faced off against The Mummy with Midget Arms (John McCain) and Moose-Hunting Barbie aka Tina Fey, I mean Sarah Palin. I think. We’re still waiting for verification that that wasn’t a big joke being played on us by Ms. Fey and Lorne Michaels. So naturally, I was hesitant to believe that we were on the precipice of having our nation’s first black President since Bill clinton. Oh yeah, that’s right! He’s not really black, he just had negro tendencies. But I digress. Like any jaded, synical, secretly optimistic writer, I sat down and expressed my feelings about the situation on paper. Actually, it was a computer screen, but you know what I mean. So without further adieu, here you go…

Wonder why you were able to stay at home brother
Wonder why you were able to plug in, turn on and zone out
Wonder why you were able to lose yourself in the HD graphics
And to fast forward past beer commercials
Because the revolution has been synthesized

The revolution has been synthesized

The revolution was brought to you in part by HP
Over 5 nights with limited commercial interruption
The revolution was captured in pictures of Jesse Jackson
Blowing a bugle and leading the charge for equality
By Al Sharpton and Barack Obama feasting
On the hopes and dreams of Black America

The revolution has been synthesized

The revolution has been scientifically created and lab tested
Our progression was falsified, our development has been arrested
The revolution was produced in a studio in front of a live audience
Edited for content and to run in the allotted time
The revolution has been rated PG-13 to allow the children to see
So they can share the experience via Facebook and Twitter
There will be no really historic changes made
No equality gained or rights won
The marches we witnessed were just lines to see the revolution in 3D
But for those that couldn’t make it, the revolution was made for TV

The revolution has been synthesized

Today’s Reflection – 7/27/11

Good morning world! It is another beautiful day in Zamunda! Birds are chirping, the sun is shining, but my bottom lip is hanging down to the floor. Now I know you’re all wondering why. Well, the reasons follow…

First, today is the 4 th anniversary of the day I checked my father into the hospital. I know what you’re thinking, “Why is that important?” Well, on this day 4 years ago, I sat in the parking lot of the hospital and knew my father would never walk back out. It bothers the hell out of me that my intuition on that day was so spot on. My father’s death was, by far, the worst thing to happen to me in 27 years of living. And while I’m not the emotional trainwreck I was immediately after he passed, I am still subject to random bouts of depression because of it. They say mourning is a process, but they didn’t say it would be like this.

Second, I’ve had a lot of time lately to reflect on my life. And while I’m not doing anywhere near as poorly as I could be, I’m definitely not where I wanna be. That bothers me. Its not like I expected my life to be extra glamorous, but I didn’t expect it to be so unbelievably craptastic (in my eyes). I know I’m still reasonably young so I still have time to achieve the life I envision, but it seems a little bit out of my reach at the time.

Third, I’m facing a situation in my life that I am somewhat unprepared for. I’ve prided myself on the fact that up until this point in my life, I’ve never been in any real trouble with the law. But now, through a bunch of random acts of fuckery, that streak has come to an end. If I was a lesser man, I would probably be standing on somebody’s ledge right now. Let’s hope that my exceptional nature will help me through the minefield ahead.

Peace and love…

Today’s Reflection – 7/11/11

Its almost been 3 months since I last posted in this blog. Wow! For those of you that take the time to read my incessant ramblings, I’m sorry! I don’t have a good excuse for my prolonged absence, the only thing I can say in my defense is that my life is really hectic right now for some reason that is unknown to me. Usually, I would promise to do better, but I haven’t kept that promise yet so I’m not gonna make it again. I will say that I’m hoping to get my life to a point that I have time to do all the things I want to do. On to what brings me here today…

I’m noticing a decline in my ability to sit down and write. Not to say that the unthinkable has happened and I’ve lost my talent, it feels like I never have time to do it. And when I do try to devote time to writing, I’m never able to get in the proper mindframe to do it. To put it plainly, life has gotten in the way. When I was unemployed, I could write all day. There were times when I forced myself to not write, purely because I was in such a dark place in my life and I didn’t want to see my mind’s interpretation of it in black & white. All I wanted was a job, any job so I didn’t have to spend so much time dealing with my own demons. Now, I have a job but I can’t write anything to save my life. All I want now is time to sit down and express myself lyrically. While I would love to believe that this struggle is mine and mine alone, its not. I’m blessed to have coworkers that are experiencing similar problems when it comes to their own creative process. I guess we all need a vacation…

New Ink!

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Good morning beautiful people! Sorry its been a while. Normally, I would lie and say I’ve been busy but I won’t do that today. I have been absent-minded when it comes to this blog. I’m truly sorry for that. But enough of my rambling apology, let’s get on with today’s topic…

I (finally) got my newest tattoo yesterday. If you can’t really tell what it is from the picture, let me help you: its a figure that is half angel and half demon. This image originally appeared in the movie Angels & Demons as a statue. The first time I saw the movie, I knew I had to get a tattoo of that statue! Not because the movie was so incredible or the message they were trying to convey was so powerful, simply because that statue represents the true nature of every person in the world. We’re all comprised of a good side (angel) and a bad side (demon). And while most people vehemently dispute the concept of duality, I embrace it. I know there are times when I can be the sweetest person that you know. But I also know that I can be the biggest asshole on the face of the planet. I’m not trying to say that its a good thing to be that way, but its who I am. Its part of my personality. I know what some of you are thinking, “He must be a Gemini.” Let me clear that up right now; I’m not. What I am is a human being who’s mood and attitude towards the world is subject to change at any given moment. But maybe the fact that I’ve not only accepted but embraced the split in my personality is what makes me so exceptional. Just a thought…

Missing Her, Her, Her and Her…

Good morning everybody! Sorry for the lapse in time between entries. I’ve been meaning to write more often but life has been getting in the way. I would say it won’t happen again, but would you really believe me? Exactly. Let’s get into today’s topic…

Now, I know you read the title and automatically thought that I was gonna blather on about 4 random women in my life that I have feelings for. You’re partially right! I find myself waking up every morning a touch saddened that I’m not able to see these 3 certain women as much as I want. The fourth woman I wouldn’t so much say I wish I could see her as much as I want, but I definitely do wish our relationship was different. Let me explain…

The first woman is my best friend. She’s been there to support me through some really dark times over the past few years and I hate that we don’t get to hang out as much as I would like. I might see my bestest once every other week. We talk on the phone on a somewhat regular basis, but I HATE talking on the phone so that doesn’t even count in my world. If I could have my way, I would like to see my best friend at least 3 times a week. Why, you ask? It’s rare that I meet people that I have so much in common with that we can almost finish each other’s thoughts. My best friend is only the second person that has come into my life that I have that kind of connection with. Most of our communication is non-verbal. Plus, if you know me, you know that I always feel like I’m on stage when I’m around people. Like I always have to put on a facade and be the witty, entertaining person that everyone else knows and loves. I don’t mind that because I’m a natural entertainer, I like to make sure everybody else is in a good mood and having fun. But there are instances when I need to take some time off and just be me. My best friend is one of 2 people in my life that I can do that with. I don’t have to be the center of attention with her. She’s perfectly fine with me just sitting in the room with her, quietly. She doesn’t ask me every five minutes if I’m okay or if something is bothering me. I love that! Hell, I need that at times…

The second woman is almost a carbon copy of my best friend. There are some similarities in their roles in my life but also some drastic differences. She inspires me to allow my greatness out. She puts a smile on my face with the simplest of things, a text message. She came and sat with me in the hospital when I was scared to death of being by myself. That is HUGE to me! Out of the 4 women I miss, I actually see her the most.

Now, the next 2 are kinda complicated. They’re both my mother, but they are 2 different people. Just read, hopefully it’ll make sense…

The third woman is my mother. For obviously reasons, I miss my mother. We live in 2 different cities, we barely talk on the phone because our schedules don’t match up well enough to accommodate regular phone conversations, plus there’s my whole hatred for talking on the phone. Once again, this is a woman that was there for me through a dark patch of time in my life. That means a lot to me. I draw people like that closer to me because I know I’m not the easiest person to love, especially when shit is not going my way. So anybody that chooses to stick it out with me, I can’t help but love them for the rest of my life. My mother might be the one person that could get me to move back to Missouri. And I think she knows it! There was a point in time when she asked at least once a week. And I almost caved in…

The fourth woman is my mother. This is a different person from the lady mentioned above. As I said earlier, I don’t wish I could see her more, I wish our relationship was different (read better). You would think my connection to someone that is largely responsible for me being here would be unbreakable. Hell, you would think that the connection would exist. That’s entirely true. We do have a connection; it’s just not as strong as expected. Or at least, not as strong as I would prefer. I’m not saying I want us to be like best friends. I already had one parental best friend, not really up for another one. But I think our relationship could stand to have more interaction besides my infrequent and uncomfortable visits for holidays.

These women aren’t missed in any particular order. They’re all equally important to me in their own way. Until next time, peace and love…

Today’s Reflection – 4/2/11

First and foremost, happy April! know I promised to write more, then turned around and continued to ignore my…. 4 or 5 readers (that’s a joke). I’m sorry guys. My life is kinda all over the place right now, so its hard to find time to sit down and share with you all. But let’s get on with today’s ramblings. Bare with me, I have a lot on my mind so I’m going to try and touch on all of it in this one entry…

First, I once again find myself under attack by my nemesis, Writer’s Block. Every bout I have with this dreaded affliction scares me more than the last one. I think it’s because as I’m getting older, these creative brain freezes are occurring more and more. Plus, it never feels like I have Writer’s Block. I’m always tweeking something I’ve written, rewriting someone else’s work or working on one of my many unfinished pieces. It doesn’t hit me until I try to write something new and original. I’ve said this numerous times before; I identify myself in several different ways, some of them I’m not exactly proud of, but being a poet/songwriter is the one that shines light on my dark soul. And it truly and honestly scare the shit out of me when I can’t showcase that God-given talent. Everyone that knows me knows that I’ve had dreams of being a grandfather, sitting around dropping verses on my grandkids in between naps and episodes of Matlock. Writer’s Block makes me think that that dream might not come true and I hate that. I love being a writer so much, that I’m actually jealous of my friends that are writers and are able to write whenever they want. I could literally do without everything else in my life if I was able to write the way I want to.

Second, I got this old man at my job that I swear to God I’m gonna have to put my hands on! I’m not a (completely) evil person and I try to show people respect until given a reason not to. With that being said, this old man has found a way to move into the #2 slot on my hitlist (only a select few know who #1 is). That is an amazing accomplishment, especially when you consider that I’ve only been working with him for 4 weeks and the first 2 weeks he was okay! How the hell do you rub somebody the wrong way in 14 damn days?! It sounds completely unfathomable! But he found a way to accomplish it, kudos to him. Now somebody tell him to avoid me like the Black Plague, because I’m sure to bring certain death if he doesn’t. Let me tell y’all what he does. I work in the men’s shoe department at Macy’s, and I work on commission. So this old man’s first crime is that he’s a shark, he steals sales. And if you stealing my sales, you stealing my money. Strike one. Like everybody else, he’s had a hard life. But unlike everybody else, he refuses to take responsibility for what happened. That’s not enough to dislike person, but the fact that I’ve heard his life story so many damn times over the past 28 days is! This old bastard tells his life story at the drop of the hat to anybody (whethere they’ll listen or not) all damn day, every damn day! Strike two. If that wasn’t enough, he’s one of those old people that’s under the delusion that he deserves your respect purely because he’s old. Where they do that shit at?! Age is not an automatic qualifier for respect. Respect is though! He believes he should get to take a break whenever he wants just because of his age. I’m fine with him not being around. But if you say you’re gonna take a break, take a damn break! Don’t stand around complaining about needing a break but not do anything about it. Either go or shut the fuck up! And he likes to talk down to people because he’s older than them. Age does not qualify you to be my superior, especially when we have the same title and I made it there with less formal education than you and in half the damn time! And he doesn’t know how to control the volume of his voice. I shouldn’t be able to hear your side of a conversation from 75-100 feet away! There’s no need to be that damn loud! Inside voices are for where? Inside asshole, so use it! Strike three.

Third, I don’t know how many of you are single. I have even less of an idea of how many of you are happy being single. But I’m here to tell you, I HATE THIS SHIT! Let me clarify, I am content with my life as a whole. I’ve never been to jail, I don’t have a bunch of kids running around, I’m gainfully employed, I dress nice, I’m intelligent and reasonably good looking. I don’t really have a lot to complain about. But I’m a hopeless romantic, so the one thing that’s missing on that list is one that carries quite a bit of weight. I dare to say that it just about carries the most weight. And we’re entering the time of the year that being single is magnified in my mind. Spring is the time of the year for love, but it looks like I’ll be a spectator this year. Again. That’s not to say I don’t have my romantic encounters, I do. But my list of porsective love interests isn’t exactly what I’ve been used to. Maybe I’m asking for too much of myself.

For all intense purposes, I’m damaged goods in the romantic sense and I’m not just referring to the whole melodrama that partially played out in this blog. Let me start from the beginning. First off, I’m really shy. While I’m not completely hampered by my shyness (unlike most shy guys, I can talk to women that I’m attracted to), it does hinder me from approaching and interacting with women in a way that best reflects my true intentions. I either end up in one of 2 places: the friend zone or the booty call list. While neither of those is completely horrible, sometimes that just isn’t where I wanna be. Secondly, while I’m not the worst man running around town, I’m definitely not the best. I’m somewhat shallow, fickle at times, pretentious, picky, selfish, a little conceited and I’m a world-class asshole. In other words, I’m a full-time job with mandatory overtime. I offer a lot of great benefits, but you’re gonna have to work your ass off. It’s gonna take an exceptional woman to deal with me and I have yet to meet one that is up to the task, as well as willing and available to take it on. Let me explain that. I have met women that think they are equipped to deal with me on a romantic level and I’ve met women that I feel are capable of doing it but they’re unable to commit to me, for one reason or another. And that brings me to my third point. I have a pretty bad track record when it comes to relationships. As much as I would like to break down and tell my horror stories, I’m not completely comfortable doing so at this time.

My best friend tells me that I need to be patient and that it’ll happen when its time, but I just don’t see it. Plus, as she loves to tell me everyday, I’m kinda long in the tooth. Time isn’t standing still, waiting on me to find a woman to spend my life with. Plus, I’m really impatient! How long do I have to wait? Damn…

Well, that’s pretty much all I feel like sharing right now. Maybe I’ll write another entry tonight or tomorrow morning or the day after or…

Today’s Reflection – 3/26/11

Hello again! The last 24 hours of my life have been…. interesting. And because of the insanity that has ensued, I felt compelled to share it with all of you. Yesterday seemed like a normal day. I woke up, worked on some music & went to work. Little did I know the emotional hilarity that was waiting for me once I got off.

After I got off of work, I found myself missing a certain somebody. No, it wasn’t who you think. Like I said in my last entry, I no longer look at her like that. Romantic osmosis at its finest. But back to the story. Since I couldn’t see the person I wanted to see, I figured I might as well get in traffic and find something to do with my night. That was an epic failure, since I all could think to do was go get something to eat and return home to watch Sportscenter. Fun night, huh? As Sportscenter was beginning to lull me to sleep, I noticed a post on Facebook that caught my attention. I decided to contact this person to see if I could get some late night entertainment. Because of the “history” we have, this person misread my intentions in contacting them. Now, while my intentions were purely carnal, I have a feeling that this woman assumed there was more to it.

This gave my life pause. Just a month ago, this very same woman made it abundantly clear that she wasn’t interested in me romantically. She insisted that I shouldn’t want her in that way. She presented a very compelling & convincing argument. So now that I’ve decided to adopt her philosophy on us being together, has she changed her mind? Maybe she doesn’t believe that I could get over her so easily. Or has she changed her way of thinking and doesn’t know how to express that without losing face?

What’s the accepted protocol for when someone loses interest in you? Do you continue on with life as if nothing happened? Does your interest in that person spike because their interest in you has plummeted? Should you question your romantic prowess because you couldn’t keep an admirer interested?

The End…

This is the first blog entry that I am writing on my Android cell phone. If this goes well, I may start blogging more often while I’m on the go. But on to the topic of today’s entry…

If you have been following along, you should remember the saga that is known as “The Woman of My…” and the emotional rollercoaster I put myself on when it comes to her. Well kids, that feels as if it has ran it’s course. It was great fun (sarcasm) while it lasted and I would love to do it again (not really). I know what you’re thinking, “He was just professing his love a month or so ago, what happened?” That’s just it, nothing happened. I’m not saying that I expected her to drop everything and run into my arms like Scarlett O’Hara did in Gone With the Wind. She’s not that type of woman and our relationship wasn’t like that. That might have been the problem though. I am quite possibly the single-most romantic, gushy, sappy love song loving, wish my life was a romantic comedy (gotta have some laughs in between all the love and angst) people I know. “The Woman of My…” is not. Or at least she’s not when it comes to me. And we have all experienced unrequited love before. It might be the purest, and therefore the rarest, type of romantic love known to man; but that shit is no fucking fun if you’re on the unreciprocated end. Everyone loves to be chased but how many of us would do the chasing, knowing that we’ll never snare our prey? Exactly, none of us would. So I have made a conscious decision to stand down. Now, that doesn’t mean I don’t still have very strong feelings for this woman because I do. This simply means that her level of disinterest have rubbed off on me. Let’s just call it romantic osmosis. Lets face it, a person can only bang their head against a brick wall for so long before they either realize its futile and stop or develop serious brain damage. The same can be said for throwing your heart into Love’s Blender. You’re either gonna learn the lesson or end up with a destroyed heart. I’m simply choosing the former so I can forgo the latter. I was asked by someone if this end of Wile E. Coyete-esque pursuit meant that I wouldn’t accept “The Woman of My…” if she ever turned the tide on me. I honestly don’t know. I would think that if (and that’s one gigantic if) she were to ever become interested in me and I was single, that I would jump at the opportunity. The operative word in that sentence is think. In my heart and soul, I know she has made up her mind about her level of romantic interest or disinterest in me. I know it would take an act of God, a true miracle and quite possibly a papal decree for her to develop an inkling of the type of feelings I had for her. And I’m completely okay with that! Life moves on…

For most people and situations similar to mine, an end to the pursuit would be followed by an extended period of either self-deprecation or self-destructiveness. I guess its a good thing I’m different from most people. Its even better that my situation is not of the garden variety. But in the meantime, I’ll keep writing songs, quite possibly some poetry and continue loving me! Peace and love…

Song Writing Process

I’m sorry I’ve been neglecting my blog lately. I told myself I was gonna make a more concerted effort to write a new entry on a regular basis, I even downloaded the WordPress mobile app onto my phone. But there’s so much going on in my life, that this blog somehow slips through the cracks. I’m truly sorry about that. But back to the topic….

I’ve never let anyone in how my whole songwriting process works… until now. Most songwriters are able to churn out a decent song in a day, a good song in a week and greatness takes a little longer. And, of course, there are those instances when we catch lightning in a bottle. For most songs that I write (especially if the topic doesn’t touch too close to home), I hammer them out within a 24 hour period. But when I try to touch on those emotional subjects that I hold near and dear, I slow my process all the way down. The reason I do this is because I want anything that comes from personal experiences and emotions to evoke a similar emotion in the listener. I need those emotional songs to be great because I feel those are what builds a legacy. Anybody can write words. There are a lot of people that make music. But there’s a select few that are so great at their craft, that they can reach out and touch you through their music. I want to be known as one of great musicians/songwriters. I want people to tell their kids about songs that I wrote or performed. Not so much because I want to be famous, I could do without the fame. I want to know that my legacy will live on in some form long after I have left this world. But this desire to make my songs incredible comes at a price. That pursuit for perfection leads me to overanalyze every individual part of my songs to the point that I can’t ever call them complete. Songs that I have deemed “finished” are still subject to being proofread, tweaked, adjusted and in some cases, completely re-written in attempt of reaching the desired goal. I’m getting better about it though. I’m starting to trust that my ability to insert my emotions in my writing moreso than the technical aspect of composing. Its a process. Previously, I would post new songs on FB in an attempt to get a feel for how the lyrics themselves are interpreted and felt by a sample of the public. But now that I’m so close to recording this album/mixtape, I’m not sure what I can do to get that type of reading. I’ve tried letting my close friends read my lyrics, but I’m never sure if their responses are totally honest or if they’re just being nice because we’re friends. I guess I’ll see what the world has to say once I put it out there. Wish me luck…