Usually, I would apologize for going months without writing anything. But seeing as how nobody reads this except for me, I ain’t gonna do it! So let’s jump right into what’s on my mind…

Well, I’ve definitely had some “interesting” things happen in my life since my last post. For those that don’t know, I moved in with the woman I spoke of on 3/16/08. And for a while, things were okay. But, I allowed my issues and hang-ups push her away, and it resulted in her leaving me and becoming very cold towards me. Now, I’m not sure if you’ve ever seen someone who you love pull a complete 180 with their feelings towards you, but let me tell you that it’s not a fun thing. And I feel stupid because I pushed her away. Especially now because I realize that she is who I want to spend the rest of my life with. But right now, it seems like I have a better chance of joining the KKK. And while that sucks, it’s my fault that it happened and I’m going to have to live it with it.

Also, the first anniversary of my father’s death is quickly approaching and I still feel lost! Actually, I feel more lost now than I did just 4 or 5 months ago! And that irks the hell out of me! But what gets to me more is the fact that I’m kinda sandwiched in between 2 different types of sorrow and have nobody to go to deal with either! I can’t go to my dad to deal with losing my woman, and I can’t go to my woman to deal with the loss of my dad. That’s just fucked up!

And on top of all that, I’ve got writer’s block AGAIN! AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! That’s the one of the worst things in the world to me! I got so much on my mind and so much I want to say, but can’t get it to come out for the life of me. I almost feel like banging my head against a wall to see if I can make the words and thoughts bleed out.

I keep telling myself that I’m going to write in this blog on a more consistent basis, but it’s becoming harder and harder to find something original to say. But today, I’m just gonna write about what’s on my mind.

It’s been 6 months since my father passed away and I still feel a little lost in the world without him. Once again, I’m nowhere near as bad as I was right after his death, but I’m still struggling to be me. I’ve gotten my sense of humor back, but it’s still hard to get that good “everything is gonna be alright” smile going again. I think part of that has to do with all the unnecessary drama that is going on around me. I’m still dealing with a lot of crap from my father’s death so I guess that is really making it hard to move on. And then, I’m still in St.Louis! No offense to anyone or anything here, but I’m really starting to HATE this city! Just thinking about being here kinda makes my skin crawl. And for as bad as that sounds, trust me when I say I’m not exaggerating. But at the same time, I’m not too sure my work here is done. That sounds kinda dumb, right? Let me explain. If I were to leave St. Louis right now, I would be ecstatic. But at the same time, I would have that thought in the back of my mind that I’m once again leaving too many loose ends. First off, one of my best friends is going through something completely new to him. He’s about to become a father for the first time and I can tell that at times he feels a little lost in the woods. This guy is like a brother to me and I can’t not be there for him, especially since he’s had my back through some rough & tumble %#&@$! over the past year. Secondly, there’s a woman here that I’m pretty damn sure I want to spend the rest of my life with. The only thing is, I’m not too sure how she feels about me. And while I’m a big believer in the philosophy of “If you love something, let it go. And if it comes back to you, then it’s meant to be”, I can’t leave it like that. My heart just won’t let me. Those are 2 HUGE unresolved issues that I feel like I must deal with before I can leave. And for me, one unresolved issue is 2 too many.

This has actually been on my mind since the day after Valentine’s Day, but I didn’t want to write it then and sound like I’m lonely and bitter. I’m actually bitter and lonely, there’s a big difference!

So far, I have lived a little over 27 years on this planet, and for the most part they have been exceptional. But here within the last few years, I’ve been having this feeling in the back of my mind that something was missing. For a while, I couldn’t put my finger on it. But after I had a conversation with my father about a year & a half ago, it finally hit me. I’m at a point in my life where I want to have a family, but I don’t have a family. Does that make sense? Let me explain then. While I kinda pride myself on the fact that I’m in mid-20’s and I don’t have any children, deep down inside that is eating me alive. I go places and I see guys who look like they’re close to my age with their kids and I REALLY want it too. Scratch that. I NEED it. And it seems like that urgency to settle down came on so suddenly! It wasn’t that long ago that I was running around, acting wild and saying that I was too young to commit myself in that way. But now, only a few years removed from that frame of mind, I find myself jealous of one of my best friends because he pretty much has what I want. And that kinda scares me because I think that I’m getting to the point that I’m willing to settle for just about anything and anyone to get what I want. And I know I’m way too good of a man to do that. I know if my friend reads this, he’s gonna wanna tell me that I have something with somebody that in all honesty isn’t really there and might not ever be. And that kinda sucks because I think I truly care for the young lady that he’s would be referring to and I think she feels the same way but we came into each others lives at a point in time where we might not be as willing to open up and give each other a chance. I know if my pastor reads this, she’s gonna wanna tell me that God has somebody He made just for me. And that’s all well and good, but where is she? How long do I have to wait for Him to send her my way? Or did she already enter my life and I was just a little too wrapped up in my own foolish to recognize her? But that’s enough about that, I’m gonna switch topics…

And talk about something that all people are guilty of. I’ve given women (especially black women) a lot of grief about this in the past, but now it’s time to just put everybody on blast. We tend to overlook a good person for a good looking person. Now I’m not solely talking about physical appearance, I’m talking about materialistically attractive as well. Y’all know what I’m talking about! How many of you women have been out with your girlfriends and have been approached by a guy who isn’t particularly flashy with what he has and blew him off? But you see a guy walk by who looks like he’s ballin’ outta control and you’re all up in his face? Be honest. You’re not lying to me, you’re lying to yourself. And on the same hand, fellas, we are just as guilty. We go out with our friends and ignore the sisters who look like she’s got her head on straight to chase some airhead who looks like she’s smuggling hams in her pants. It’s ridiculous and we really need to stop!

That’s all I got for tonight. I’ll check back in again when I got more on my mind. Maybe someone will have actually read this by then . Yeah right!

Life is funny sometimes. I’m not talking side-splitting laughter funny, but it definitely has it’s comedic moments. Let me see if I can explain this a little better.

When I was a kid, I had this vivid idea of what my life would be like when I got older. And it was pretty simple, I wanted to rule the world (cue the sinister music and the evil laugh). As I got older, I realized that my earlier dreams weren’t exactly obtainable (that didn’t stop me from wanting the same thing, though). So I set my sights on more realistic goals. I’m kinda getting off of my original point, but just stay with me. Now here I am, a full grown adult (I got facial hair and everything to prove it), I find myself re-dreaming those childhood dreams. Just not as large scale though. And that kinda humors me. How many of us can say we are doing exactly what we wanted to do when we were kids? How many of us are really happy with the lives we lead? And if we could sit down and talk to the 5th grade versions of ourselves, would they be happy with what we’re doing? To borrow a phrase from the movie “Mr. Deeds”, “I think if we ran into the 5th grade versions of ourselves, they would beat the crap out of us and put gum in our hair.” And that is SO true! We pose and posture like we’re happy with the crap we have to deal with on a regular basis, but deep down inside, I think the majority of us are a cat’s whisker away from going postal! So here’s what I want everybody who reads this to do (yeah I’m talking about all 5 of you). Make it a point to do the things that YOU want to do. I don’t care what it is. If it makes you truly happy, be like Nike and just do it! Maybe if we all do that, life and the world would be a little better. Now wouldn’t that be funny?

Yeah yeah yeah. Kiss my backside. I know it’s not technically January 10th anymore, but when have I ever cared about the date? (unless it’s my birthday, but that’s a completely different story) First let me tell y’all what I did when I got “home” today. I sat and read a majority of my entries in this very blog! How many people can make that very same claim? Pretty damn short list, huh?

But anyway, the reason I did this is because I wanted to see how much my views on certain topics had changed or stayed the same. And the one thing that kept jumping up and punching me in the face is how much I whined about living in Atlanta and how badly I wanted to move back to MO. How big of a fucking dummy was I? True, I was unhappy in Atlanta. But now that I have had time to sit back and reflect on the situation, I’m realizing that I wasn’t unhappy with the geography, I was unhappy with the face in the mirror. I would’ve felt the exact same way anywhere I was at! But the question that is being posed to me now is “How can you be so sure that you’ll be happy in Atlanta this time around?” I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not sure if this time will be different from the last time. I’m also a big enough person to admit that I’m a bit fickle when it comes to certain things. But there is one thing that I’m hands-down, 100% positive on: I CAN NOT stay in St. Louis. This city took from me the one person that I LOVE (not loved, I still love my dad to this very day even though I’m mad at him for leaving me) more than myself. And because of that, I can’t be here because the next thing that will be taken is my life and I’m not ready to lose that just yet.

I think I wanted to come back here because I never really got a chance to close this chapter of my life (if you want to know all of the details, hit me up and I’ll be more than happy to fill you in). And everywhere that I went after leaving St. Louis the first time in 1999, I kept having this feeling inside that made me want to come back here and wrap everything up. But what I didn’t notice over that span of about 6 and a half years was that I wasn’t the same person anymore. Yeah, I know, everybody changes as they get older. But I’m not talking about that. I left here and went to Indianapolis and kinda started becoming this completely different person (Indiana is also the first documented appearance of my alter-ego, Moses). I fell in love in Indy, got engaged, got cheated on, got fired from my very first grown-up job and had my first legal drink. Hell, I had my first adult relationship in Indianapolis (and NO my first adult relationship was not with the girl who cheated on me, it was somebody different)! I’m still waiting on my second one! And then I moved to Atlanta. And that little boy who I had been all throughout high school got left on the curbside in Indy. I went to Atlanta and began to develop the adult me, the one that everyone knows today. I learned how to be a better man than I was before. Hell, I even became a superhero down there (much love to my little brothers, Superman is on his way back home). But just like anybody who has ever had that feeling of regret over actions not taken, I jumped at the chance to come back to St. Louis and finish what I started. Too damn bad the book had been closed and my character had gone on to bigger and better things. I got back here and I felt like a big fish in a small pond. I can’t go out and kick it like I want to, I’m haven’t met a woman in this city that peaks my interest for more than 5 minutes (there is one exception to that though, and if I have my way, she’ll be joining in Atlanta shortly after I get there). Basically, I feel like I don’t belong here. So, it’s time for me to go where I belong. And that’s the reason why I’m moving back to GA.

What they say is true. Hindsight is definitely 20/20. Moving to Atlanta the first time was the best thing for me to do. I went there as a raw, undeveloped young man and became who I am today. I can attribute large amounts of my personality to the Peach State. And I will forever be grateful for that. Much love from a Midwest Boy turned Down South Representa!

We’re gonna start this one just like we did the last one. Happy belated Birthday to my silly ass! Yay me! And while I definitely love and appreciate everyone who contacted to wish me a happy birthday, that list seems to be a little shorter than it has been in recent years. But it’s all good. I still love me!

Now, I’m now starting to feel my age. I know you’re probably wondering, “How does 27 feel?” I’m not saying that I feel my precise age, but I feel as if I’m more of an adult version of myself than in past years. But that statement feels like its a little weighted now. I definitely feel like I’ve done some growing up, but I think my father’s death is what really pushed me to where I am now. And that’s kinda the scary part. I’m at a point in my life where I feel like I’m standing at a fork in the road, but I’m not too sure which path to take. They both appear to start out the same, but I’m not able to see past the short-term. And that’s where the loss of my father comes into play. If he were here right now, I could go to him & ask his opinion (Well, I wouldn’t really have to ask, he would just volunteer it. Constantly) so I gain a little more insight into what laid ahead of me. But I don’t really have anybody that I can go to like that. That’s not to say that I don’t have people in my life who’s advice isn’t invaluable to me, but nobody can fill that void. Either because they aren’t going to speak to me in a way that I’m going to understand or because they haven’t reached the same point in their life. So I guess I’m kinda stuck figuring this one out by myself. But hey, that’s a part of growing up…

Once again, I know the dates don’t match up, but y’all should know by now that I really don’t give 2 flying fucks about that. What I’m writing about was on my mind on the above date so that’s the date that I decided to place on it. So sue me!

A quick recap of what’s been happening in my life recently…

My father went into the hospital on July 25, 2007 and passed away on September 7, 2007. I was a little off-center before he went into the hospital, but to be without the constant support of the one person who was always there for me on a daily basis threw me off a little more. And now that he’s gone, I barely feel like I’m myself. I’m doing exponentially better now than I was right after his death, but I’m still learning how to be me without him. It’s been hard definitely, and parts of my personality have undergone temporary changes that I’m not exactly happy with. Mainly, I seem to be using an extraordinary amount of profanity! I find myself saying a curse word in almost every sentence! That’s nothing like me for real. And my drive to do certain things seems to come and go. But the one thing that I can’t seem to get back is my voice. Now I’m not talking about my actual voice (how weird would it be to have laryngitis for 3 months?), I’m speaking about my voice as a poet. At first I thought that my gift would return eventually, after all, I just lost my BEST friend in the whole world. But now, I fear that I no longer have the ability to express myself in verse. And for as trivial as that might sound to some, I am deathly afraid of that thought. My poetry was always the one place I could go and just be myself, no matter what that was on any given day. And to not have that and to be without my father makes me feel like I’m truly alone in the world right now.

Now, I’m at a point that I don’t really know what anything beyond where I want to be geographically. And worst of all, my personality has once again split itself into polar opposites. Now I’ve gone through this before (The last recorded instance can be found in this very blog. Check the entry titled “A Quick Recap of What’s Been Happening in My Life”), but once again, I had my father there to draw strength from to deal with this in an effective and efficient manner. Now I just don’t know. I know I want to move back to ATL (much to the chagrin of my family and a few “friends”) and I know I want to do that for the same reasons as before. But now I have a new one. I honestly feel like if I stay in St. Louis, I’m going to die. True, we’re all gonna die someday and dying one place isn’t really any different from dying somewhere else, but that’s not what I mean. I feel like living in this city is killing me, the real me, that I’ve tried so hard to let come out. And when “he” dies, the physical representation of ya boy isn’t far behind. And you can take that however you want. And the thing that really gets to me is that the woman I spoke about in the above mentioned entry, I can’t seem to get rid of her. And please believe that I have tried my hardest to do so. But therein lies the dilemma, if someone keeps coming back, no matter how hard you try to dispose of them, does that mean that you are meant to be with that person? And if I ‘m not meant to be with her, then who? I feel like right now I’m destined to spend the rest of my life alone, and that kinda bothers me. I know I might not be the best candidate for a husband, but I can’t really imagine that there is no one in the world that I’m meant to be with.

That’s enough for now. I’m starting to just ramble on and nobody wants to read that mess…

Okay…

Every now and then, life tends to throw even the best of us a killer curve ball that we just can’t handle. And I have definitely had my fair share over the past few months. I’m not going to go into details about all of the %#&@$! I’ve been wading through. (it’s boring and I’m not really up for typing all of it. If you’re interested in all of that, read my last entry) But the worst thing that has happened to me in the history of horrible shit happening to me is the fact that I have WRITER’S BLOCK!!! AAAAAAAAARRGGHH!!!!! I’m a lot of things (I’m an athlete, I’m a man, I’m a womanizer, I’m a lier, I’ve been known to be a bit of a %#&@$! on ocassions, I’m a metrosexual (if you don’t know what that is, just ask), I’m an asshole and the list goes on and on and on and on…) but the one thing that I am that I am most proud of is being a poet. Poetry is the one thing in my life that I just knew could never be taken away from me. I felt that everything else was kinda like a fad ya know, something I was just doing because it suited me at the time. But poetry, was gonna always be me. I had dreams of being a 75 year old man, sitting in a rocking chair, dropping sick verses on my grandkids in between catnaps. But now, I’m halfway scared that I lost my “voice.” Maybe I said that wrong. I still know that I can sit down and set a piece a paper on fire if I get it flowing, but the problem is getting started. I kinda feel like a kid who fell off his bike a few too many times and decided not ride it for a while. I know I can still do it, but I’m not sure how to go about getting started.

Now…here I am, sitting at my computer, looking at a blank MS Word screen. And I’m pretty much hating it! So, I’m here to lay myself upon the mercy of anybody who takes the time to read this drawn out rant. Throw me some topics! And anything I write will get posted in this blog with a special shout out to whomever suggested what I wrote about. Let’s try to stay away from the obvious ones (love, religion, and politics). I appreciate it greatly. One love…

I sincerely apologize for the extended absence from my blog. But it’s not like I’m being overwhelmed with comments and responses to what I write, so I figured I could take a break and no one would really miss me. Thanks to that special person (you know who you are) who made sure she went out of her way to tell me that I was wrong.

I couldn’t think of anything specific to talk about my first time back and my hands are actually cramping from not sitting down and typing for extended periods of time, so I figured I would catch everyone who was interested up on what’s been happening in my life since I moved back to STL. You’re definitely gonna love this one…

I relocated to STL in June of 2006 and all was good. I was finally back in my hometown, I couldn’t be happier. I was like a kid in a candy store. Shortly after moving, I started working in a call center for Comcast. At the time it seemed like a pretty cool job. I met a lot of great people and my hours were reasonably decent. About a month or so after I started my job, I started dating this BEAUTIFUL young lady, and then I started dating an even more BEAUTIFUL young lady. Every young man’s dream, right? After these 2 highly attractive women were out of the picture, I started dating my third GORGEOUS woman in as many tries. At this time, I’m feeling like I hit the lotto. Some time went by and I met another young lady who seemed like she was about 2 inches away from being perfect for me. We got extremely serious (I’m talking marriage serious) but we seemed to keep having little snags in our relationship that kept it from being all that it could be. Let me break that last part down for y’all a little bit. First, we had an argument about something stupid, and instead of talking about it like adults, we ignored each other like children. Well, for those that know me well enough, you know I don’t do well with not being the center of attention (I’m getting better at it now, though) and I ran off and did something that I definitely regretted. But then again, I didn’t actually do it, I had the thought, I came up with a plan, I found an accomplice, but when it came down to actually committing the act, I couldn’t perform (ain’t love a bitch sometimes!). That’s not the worse part of that whole ordeal. That would be in the fact that my girl caught me in “the act” so to speak. Y’all know how black folks do, we had a big fight outside and got the cops called on us. After the dust from that settled, you could tell that the trust in our relationship had gotten it’s ass thrown out of the window! She always wanted to accuse me of doing something, I swore up and down she was backsliding (y’all like how I throw the old school word in there?), and things were pretty much FUBAR (Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition). All of this bullshit is made even more horrible by the fact that she had a daughter that I’m crazy about! So here I am, stuck in between the old me who would run for the hills at the first sign of strife in a relationship and this new me who wanted to stay and work through the difficulties ( I don’t know where I found that second version at, but his punk ass is gone now!). This goes on from around Thanksgiving all the way up until March, and that’s when the shit started to get real fun! First, I got fired for some bullshit I didn’t do (never work in a call center, it’s purely for the bitch at heart). Next, my girl gets this strange text message from “me” stating that I’m gay. Come on now! If I’m gay, George W. Bush is a black man and a member of the Black Panther Party! Next, she has a conversation over the internet with somebody who claims that HE was my lover for 6 months while I lived in Kansas City, MO. True, I did used to live in KCMO, WHEN I WAS 12! How many 12 year olds do you know that have a love shack with their gay lover? I can’t think of any off the top of my head, but if you give me a little time to do some research, I’ll see what I can come up with. So, here I am, unemployed, depressed and being accused of being a homosexual by the woman that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. How’s that for hitting rock bottom?

That’s pretty much it…

Well, I got rid of the woman, killed off the sissified version of myself that wanted to revive the dead horse, and remembered who the fuck I am! (thanks to my little brothers and my true friends. I love y’all for life!)

Oh yeah, here’s the kicker…

I’m moving back to ATL! Holla at ya boy!

For those of you that don’t know, I just moved back to St. Louis, MO. Well, actually I’ve been here for about 3 weeks but I’ve been busy. Sorry to neglect y’all. But I’m back and I’ll be posting some more of my poetry within the next few days. Holla at ya boy!