We’re gonna start this one just like we did the last one. Happy belated Birthday to my silly ass! Yay me! And while I definitely love and appreciate everyone who contacted to wish me a happy birthday, that list seems to be a little shorter than it has been in recent years. But it’s all good. I still love me!

Now, I’m now starting to feel my age. I know you’re probably wondering, “How does 27 feel?” I’m not saying that I feel my precise age, but I feel as if I’m more of an adult version of myself than in past years. But that statement feels like its a little weighted now. I definitely feel like I’ve done some growing up, but I think my father’s death is what really pushed me to where I am now. And that’s kinda the scary part. I’m at a point in my life where I feel like I’m standing at a fork in the road, but I’m not too sure which path to take. They both appear to start out the same, but I’m not able to see past the short-term. And that’s where the loss of my father comes into play. If he were here right now, I could go to him & ask his opinion (Well, I wouldn’t really have to ask, he would just volunteer it. Constantly) so I gain a little more insight into what laid ahead of me. But I don’t really have anybody that I can go to like that. That’s not to say that I don’t have people in my life who’s advice isn’t invaluable to me, but nobody can fill that void. Either because they aren’t going to speak to me in a way that I’m going to understand or because they haven’t reached the same point in their life. So I guess I’m kinda stuck figuring this one out by myself. But hey, that’s a part of growing up…

Once again, I know the dates don’t match up, but y’all should know by now that I really don’t give 2 flying fucks about that. What I’m writing about was on my mind on the above date so that’s the date that I decided to place on it. So sue me!

A quick recap of what’s been happening in my life recently…

My father went into the hospital on July 25, 2007 and passed away on September 7, 2007. I was a little off-center before he went into the hospital, but to be without the constant support of the one person who was always there for me on a daily basis threw me off a little more. And now that he’s gone, I barely feel like I’m myself. I’m doing exponentially better now than I was right after his death, but I’m still learning how to be me without him. It’s been hard definitely, and parts of my personality have undergone temporary changes that I’m not exactly happy with. Mainly, I seem to be using an extraordinary amount of profanity! I find myself saying a curse word in almost every sentence! That’s nothing like me for real. And my drive to do certain things seems to come and go. But the one thing that I can’t seem to get back is my voice. Now I’m not talking about my actual voice (how weird would it be to have laryngitis for 3 months?), I’m speaking about my voice as a poet. At first I thought that my gift would return eventually, after all, I just lost my BEST friend in the whole world. But now, I fear that I no longer have the ability to express myself in verse. And for as trivial as that might sound to some, I am deathly afraid of that thought. My poetry was always the one place I could go and just be myself, no matter what that was on any given day. And to not have that and to be without my father makes me feel like I’m truly alone in the world right now.

Now, I’m at a point that I don’t really know what anything beyond where I want to be geographically. And worst of all, my personality has once again split itself into polar opposites. Now I’ve gone through this before (The last recorded instance can be found in this very blog. Check the entry titled “A Quick Recap of What’s Been Happening in My Life”), but once again, I had my father there to draw strength from to deal with this in an effective and efficient manner. Now I just don’t know. I know I want to move back to ATL (much to the chagrin of my family and a few “friends”) and I know I want to do that for the same reasons as before. But now I have a new one. I honestly feel like if I stay in St. Louis, I’m going to die. True, we’re all gonna die someday and dying one place isn’t really any different from dying somewhere else, but that’s not what I mean. I feel like living in this city is killing me, the real me, that I’ve tried so hard to let come out. And when “he” dies, the physical representation of ya boy isn’t far behind. And you can take that however you want. And the thing that really gets to me is that the woman I spoke about in the above mentioned entry, I can’t seem to get rid of her. And please believe that I have tried my hardest to do so. But therein lies the dilemma, if someone keeps coming back, no matter how hard you try to dispose of them, does that mean that you are meant to be with that person? And if I ‘m not meant to be with her, then who? I feel like right now I’m destined to spend the rest of my life alone, and that kinda bothers me. I know I might not be the best candidate for a husband, but I can’t really imagine that there is no one in the world that I’m meant to be with.

That’s enough for now. I’m starting to just ramble on and nobody wants to read that mess…

Okay…

Every now and then, life tends to throw even the best of us a killer curve ball that we just can’t handle. And I have definitely had my fair share over the past few months. I’m not going to go into details about all of the %#&@$! I’ve been wading through. (it’s boring and I’m not really up for typing all of it. If you’re interested in all of that, read my last entry) But the worst thing that has happened to me in the history of horrible shit happening to me is the fact that I have WRITER’S BLOCK!!! AAAAAAAAARRGGHH!!!!! I’m a lot of things (I’m an athlete, I’m a man, I’m a womanizer, I’m a lier, I’ve been known to be a bit of a %#&@$! on ocassions, I’m a metrosexual (if you don’t know what that is, just ask), I’m an asshole and the list goes on and on and on and on…) but the one thing that I am that I am most proud of is being a poet. Poetry is the one thing in my life that I just knew could never be taken away from me. I felt that everything else was kinda like a fad ya know, something I was just doing because it suited me at the time. But poetry, was gonna always be me. I had dreams of being a 75 year old man, sitting in a rocking chair, dropping sick verses on my grandkids in between catnaps. But now, I’m halfway scared that I lost my “voice.” Maybe I said that wrong. I still know that I can sit down and set a piece a paper on fire if I get it flowing, but the problem is getting started. I kinda feel like a kid who fell off his bike a few too many times and decided not ride it for a while. I know I can still do it, but I’m not sure how to go about getting started.

Now…here I am, sitting at my computer, looking at a blank MS Word screen. And I’m pretty much hating it! So, I’m here to lay myself upon the mercy of anybody who takes the time to read this drawn out rant. Throw me some topics! And anything I write will get posted in this blog with a special shout out to whomever suggested what I wrote about. Let’s try to stay away from the obvious ones (love, religion, and politics). I appreciate it greatly. One love…

I sincerely apologize for the extended absence from my blog. But it’s not like I’m being overwhelmed with comments and responses to what I write, so I figured I could take a break and no one would really miss me. Thanks to that special person (you know who you are) who made sure she went out of her way to tell me that I was wrong.

I couldn’t think of anything specific to talk about my first time back and my hands are actually cramping from not sitting down and typing for extended periods of time, so I figured I would catch everyone who was interested up on what’s been happening in my life since I moved back to STL. You’re definitely gonna love this one…

I relocated to STL in June of 2006 and all was good. I was finally back in my hometown, I couldn’t be happier. I was like a kid in a candy store. Shortly after moving, I started working in a call center for Comcast. At the time it seemed like a pretty cool job. I met a lot of great people and my hours were reasonably decent. About a month or so after I started my job, I started dating this BEAUTIFUL young lady, and then I started dating an even more BEAUTIFUL young lady. Every young man’s dream, right? After these 2 highly attractive women were out of the picture, I started dating my third GORGEOUS woman in as many tries. At this time, I’m feeling like I hit the lotto. Some time went by and I met another young lady who seemed like she was about 2 inches away from being perfect for me. We got extremely serious (I’m talking marriage serious) but we seemed to keep having little snags in our relationship that kept it from being all that it could be. Let me break that last part down for y’all a little bit. First, we had an argument about something stupid, and instead of talking about it like adults, we ignored each other like children. Well, for those that know me well enough, you know I don’t do well with not being the center of attention (I’m getting better at it now, though) and I ran off and did something that I definitely regretted. But then again, I didn’t actually do it, I had the thought, I came up with a plan, I found an accomplice, but when it came down to actually committing the act, I couldn’t perform (ain’t love a bitch sometimes!). That’s not the worse part of that whole ordeal. That would be in the fact that my girl caught me in “the act” so to speak. Y’all know how black folks do, we had a big fight outside and got the cops called on us. After the dust from that settled, you could tell that the trust in our relationship had gotten it’s ass thrown out of the window! She always wanted to accuse me of doing something, I swore up and down she was backsliding (y’all like how I throw the old school word in there?), and things were pretty much FUBAR (Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition). All of this bullshit is made even more horrible by the fact that she had a daughter that I’m crazy about! So here I am, stuck in between the old me who would run for the hills at the first sign of strife in a relationship and this new me who wanted to stay and work through the difficulties ( I don’t know where I found that second version at, but his punk ass is gone now!). This goes on from around Thanksgiving all the way up until March, and that’s when the shit started to get real fun! First, I got fired for some bullshit I didn’t do (never work in a call center, it’s purely for the bitch at heart). Next, my girl gets this strange text message from “me” stating that I’m gay. Come on now! If I’m gay, George W. Bush is a black man and a member of the Black Panther Party! Next, she has a conversation over the internet with somebody who claims that HE was my lover for 6 months while I lived in Kansas City, MO. True, I did used to live in KCMO, WHEN I WAS 12! How many 12 year olds do you know that have a love shack with their gay lover? I can’t think of any off the top of my head, but if you give me a little time to do some research, I’ll see what I can come up with. So, here I am, unemployed, depressed and being accused of being a homosexual by the woman that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. How’s that for hitting rock bottom?

That’s pretty much it…

Well, I got rid of the woman, killed off the sissified version of myself that wanted to revive the dead horse, and remembered who the fuck I am! (thanks to my little brothers and my true friends. I love y’all for life!)

Oh yeah, here’s the kicker…

I’m moving back to ATL! Holla at ya boy!

For those of you that don’t know, I just moved back to St. Louis, MO. Well, actually I’ve been here for about 3 weeks but I’ve been busy. Sorry to neglect y’all. But I’m back and I’ll be posting some more of my poetry within the next few days. Holla at ya boy!

It’s official! I’m inside of 7 days until my departure from ATL and I’m kinda getting some mixed emotions. On one hand, I’m homesick like it’s nobody’s business, but on the other hand, I’m gonna miss the people in this city who are a big part of my life. It’s not like I’m gonna change my mind and stay down here, but I’m realizing that it’s not as easy to leave as I originally thought. I don’t know.

Now for the weekly progress report on my packing… I AIN’T STARTED YET! Well, I’ve started but I’m nowhere near where I should be with 6 days left before my departure. I’ma get it together here real soon because I’ve recruited some help. That’s about all I got for right now, I’ll try to post again before I leave.

I am officially 2 weeks away from moving back home and I’m dealing with some mixed emotions. Don’t get me wrong, I can’t wait to leave and I love my hometown, but at the same time, I hate to leave my network down here and I’m gonna miss having those people nearby. I shouldn’t have to say any names, y’all know who I’m talking about. Y’all made these last few years more than just bareable, it was actually kinda fun. And a few of you can expect to see me sometime in the not so near future, whether it be me coming to visit or vice versa. But the thing that’s really killing me is that I’m so gung ho about leaving but I haven’t packed a box yet! That just sounds silly to me. The movers will be here to pick all this junk up on June 6 and you wouldn’t know it by looking at my house. It looks like I plan on being here for a long %#&@$! time! But we’re gonna change that this week! The man from the moving company is supposed to drop off some boxes sometime this week and as soon as they get hear, I’ll be packing like my life depends on it.

Now I said I wasn’t gonna say any names but that just wouldn’t lie me so let me go ahead and break down my list of people in the state of GA that will be missed by me:

First and foremost, there’s my big bruh G. You made me look like a real life sex symbol for a day. I can never fully appreciate my gratitude for that. We’ll have to get together and do it again someday. Hopefully, one day soon. I’ll holla!

Second, to my surrogant little brothers. I love y’all to death. If you ever need anything, you know who to call. Make sure y’all look out for one another, we’re all we got in this world. And make sure y’all continue to do the right thing and avoid trouble (Y’all know who this is meant for) or I’m coming back and kicking that %#&@$!! See y’all next summer.

Next, to my “family” at Harold Pener’s Man of Fashion in South Dekalb and Greenbriar Malls. Y’all kept me from losing my mind over the last few years, and you kept me looking sharp. Thanks for always giving me my discount, too.

And to all the lovely ladies of ATL that put up with my childish, arrogant, tempermental, moody, vain %#&@$!. Y’all should be canonized for that act alone. I’m sorry I was so much of a handful but thanks for taking it all with a smile, sometimes. Good luck in everything you do in life.

To all the bartenders who hooked me up with a stiff %#&@$! drink, GOOD LOOKING OUT! I hope the tips I left expressed my gratitude but if not, THANKS A BUNCH! Y’all made going out fun again. I can never thank you enough for that. Maybe, I’ll open a club down here and give y’all jobs if you’re interested. We’ll see, you never know what could happen.

To all the police officers out there that pulled me over for a variety of “reasons,” I only have 1 thing to say to y’all: %#&@$! ALL YOU %#&@$!ES! Let’s be real, now. How many high school students do you know will ditch while wearing a $300 suit, some $400 shoes, drive a $25,000 SUV and be at Lenox or Phipps around 10 in the morning? Is the list really that damn long? I guess I should thank you for the compliment (thanks for the compliment by the way), but damn, sometimes y’all took it to the extreme! That’s called racial profiling and it’s a bunch of BULL%#&@$!! But it’s all good because you reap what you sow. Just make sure y’all remember that.

To those 2 dickheads who tried to carjack me within a month of me moving here, you barely escaped with your life, make good use of it! Find something better to do than be a criminal! You might not be so lucky the next time.

Finally, to everyone who feels like they have been left out. I’m sorry I didn’t go into great detail for each and every person, but rest assured that you have a place in my heart. Take care and God bless.

For those of y’all who didn’t know, I’m moving out of ATL and back home to STL. I just found out that I will officially be leaving Georgia on June 7. I am too damn happy. I’m hoping and praying that these 3 weeks fly by as fast as possible. I won’t get into STL until June 11, but I don’t care because I won’t have to spend those 4 days here! More than likely, I’ll be in KC visiting family.

Today is officially my first day back from my “vacation” and I must say that I really loved being back in my hometown! I spent most of my time in Kansas City but I did get to St. Louis for a couple of days and being around surroundings that bring back fond memories was a breath of fresh air. And not having to deal with ignorant Atlanta traffic was the sure fire cure for my road rage. I’m very sorry if I somewhat made plans with anyone and you never heard from me, that’s just the way I get sometimes. But I promise that we’ll get together the next time I’m in the area. That’s about all I got for right now, I still got a boatload of laundry to do, plus I’m hungry. So I’ll talk to y’all later!

For those of you who don’t know or have forgotten, I’m a product of the Show-Me state and I get to go back home next month! My homesickness has overwhelmed me to the point of hysteria and now it’s time to cure it! Unfortunately, this isn’t a permanent change of venue, but that is coming at the end of April. I’ll probably only be in MO for anywhere between 2-6 days, depending on how the finances look at the time. If you live in Missouri and we’re friends, hit me up! I haven’t been home in so long, I need a tour guide and I’m looking for volunteers. Be easy y’all!