I was inspired to write this by my friend Chandra, who shared some very private things about herself. So in the spirit of a New Year, here’s goes my turn at full disclosure…

1. I’m an only child and am JEALOUS of people who have siblings.

2. I’m probably the shyest person you know. I’ve been like that for years, but I’m trying to work on it.

3. I’m originally from Kansas City, MO but consider Atlanta, GA my hometown. It’s a long story as to why…I might tell it one day.

4. I’m secretly insecure about my looks, which is why I love to go shopping. I always figured I could make up for not being the most attractive man if I was the best dressed.

5. I’m smarter than most people think I am. I have an IQ of 163 but got bad grades in high school because I was bored to death. I even taught one of my classes for a month. And since that day, I always wanted to be a teacher…I just don’t wanna go back to school.

6. I’ve been in love only twice, and have only had 4 serious romantic relationships in 28 years of living.

7. I believe nothing is more important than family, but I avoid the vast majority of the members of my family like they have the plague. That’s another one of those long stories that I’ll save for another day.

8. I don’t have a lot of friends. And the friends I do have, I consider to be family. In all honesty, I might love them more than I love my real family.

9. Speaking of friends, most of my firends are female. I’m not too sure why, though. But it has led to my sexuality being questioned on numerous occasions.

10. I lost my best friend in this world on September 7, 2007. Since that day, life ain’t been the same.

11. I love to write and have been writing since 1995! I actually have cried because I had writer’s block. I can honestly count on my hand the number of people that knew that!

12. I was originally left-handed, but my mother made me learn how to write with my right hand. I never asked why, but I think that is by far the dumbest thing I have ever heard of. But because of that, I’m partially ambidextrous. It’s wierd.

13. I’m an alcoholic. I’m not a full-out, fall down drunk or anything like that, but I’ve struggled with alcoholism since I was 13. That’s why you’ll never see me have more than 3 drinks if I’m out somewhere, unless something is seriously bothering me. In that case, you might wanna drag me away from the bar.

14. I was diagnosed with depression a few years ago. I don’t have to take medication for it, thank God, but I have to watch my moods. I can’t get too high or let myself get too low.

15. I’m afraid of growing up, which keeps me from being able to commit to anything serious. But at the same time, I’m afraid of not progressing in my life.

16. I love hard and fast. I can tell within 3 dates what kind of feelings I’ll have for a person. And once I fall for a person, my feelings don’t go away easily. I still have a crush on somebody that I had a crush on in high school.

17. My nickname is Moses, but you would be surprised by who started calling me that. It came from the pastor of a church that I attended when I lived in Denver, CO. He said he could sense that I had the spirit of a great leader. I guess. I’m still waiting to see it.

18. I’m seriously claustrophobic! I can’t even ride in small cars without flipping out!

19. I really want kids and have felt that way for about 6 or 7 years, but I’m scared to death at the same time that I won’t be a good father. That fear has kept me from fully committing myself to a relationship so far.

20. I’m really lazy, unless I’m working towards something that directly benefits me. That’s the main reason why I want to open my own business. I don’t want to work for anybody else, I’d rather be my own asshole of a boss. There are other reasons, too. Ask and I might tell.

That’s all I want to share now. Maybe, just maybe I’ll do this again. But in the meantime, if you have any questions, just ask. I don’t bite. Assalamu Alaikam

Another year older and what did I get? Not much of anything, except a bunch of regrets.

Every year, I seem to learn something new. But for some reason, this year was a little different. This year, I didn’t wake up and instantly feel like a life lesson had been learned or some great mystery in my life had finally been solved. I woke up this year and reflected on some of the shit, for lack of a better word, that has been going on in my life recently. And, despite my usually upbeat and cheery disposition towards life, I felt really bad. I wonder why that is…

I’ve seen a lot of people come and go in my life over the past 2 1/2 years. Most of them, were meaningless. Well, not meaningless, everybody has a purpose and a meaning in your life. Maybe what I’m trying to say is that most of them didn’t come across as individuals with a great deal of staying power. But there are a few, a precious few, who came along and had a profound effect on my little corner of the world in some very unique ways. And I thought, hoped and prayed that they would be around forever because I had really found myself depending on them for different things. But now, they’re gone and it feels a little lonely. And that loneliness is magnified by the fact that my world feels like a bit of a fish bowl nowadays.

But, I gotta move on. Hopefully, some of the people that have departed my world will find their way back in it. Not because I want them back, well partially because I want them back. But, there are a couple that I really need. I’m not too sure how I’ll carry on without them. Hell, I’m not too sure how I’ve managed to keep my %#&@$! together this long without them. It’s hard to lose your source of happiness and then try to be happy. Nothing seems right right now. Even the sunniest day feels cloudy. But, I guess that’s just life though.

What a ride, huh? I wish my father could have been here to see this. Just think, this amazing journey started just over 2 months ago with the words…

“To Chairman Dean and my great friend Dick Durbin; and to all my fellow citizens of this great nation. With profound gratitude and great humility, I accept your nomination for the presidency of the United States.”

And ended, after 52%, or 62,521,378 voters spoke out for change, we have elected our first minority president. Parents tell their children that they can be anything they want to be, but those words always felt so hollow. Not anymore. Now thanks to our new president and Sen. Hilary Rodham Clinton, it’s not a pipedream for any child in America to believe they can hold the highest office in the land.

So, here we stand. At the doorstep to a new chapter in our collective history, reminding the world that anything is possible inside the borders of this great nation. And as I look back on aruably the most historic election in our nation’s young history, I can’t help but feel just a little saddened. Not because of who won or lost, but because it took so long for it to happen. My heart weeps for those who are blinded by any of a number of things that prevent them for seeing that this was the right man for the job and the right choice for our beautiful country. I’m saddened for those who fought and died to make this day a possibility but never got to see the dream come to fruition.

As I watched the coverage of the election last night, something reminded me that the struggle is not over. This was a great victory, but the war continues. We still have some very big issues in this country that need to addressed directly and emphatically. Racism, unemployment, a subpar educational system, an economy that is in a bit of a tailspin, a “war” that we had no reason fighting in the first place, homelessness, a wounded environment and a myriad of other issues. I’m not saying that Barack Obama is the answer to all of these. Hell, I’m not even saying he’s answer to most. But throughout his campaign, he expressed a genuine ability to affect change, not just in Washington, but in all of us. Because that’s what it’s gonna take to fix the issues that ail our society. Every one of us must step up and do our part to make, not only our city or town, state or even this country, but the whole world a better place than it is now.

I also gained a new level of respect for Sen. McCain. My hat goes off to him for being a true American. He has served this country for most of his life, and when he saw another opportunity to serve in an even greater capacity, he stepped forward. And last night, when the people spoke, he listened. He conceeded. It takes a good man to compete, it takes a great man to know when the competition is over.

Greetings from “Fake” America! How are all you “fake” Americans doing today? I know only “fake” Americans are reading this, seeing as how “real” Americans don’t use the internet because it’s a tool of the Deboul…

Now that we got the daily recommended amount of stupidity out of the way, we can talk.

Today was a red letter day for me. Nothing spectacular happened, but for some reason, I just feel sssssssssssooooooooooo like myself right now. And that’s a good thing. Well, maybe it’s a great thing. Today, I woke up and my body felt good. There were none of the little aches and pains I’ve been dealing with for years. I was able to meditate and re-center myself and realize for the first time in a long time that everything is gonna be alright. And that spells trouble for the world! It was always my belief, deep down inside where I keep the truly personal %#&@$! at, that once I got my “mojo” back, I would be able to hit the ground running and basically stake my claim for world domination. But, I wasn’t sure what it would take to make that happen. And that frightened me a little bit. I got glimpses of it for a few months earlier this year, but that situation kinda blew up in my face. Which put me back at square one. And I really hate square one. I’m not really a big fan of having to find a solution to a problem that I think I’ve already solved. But, I guess the only thing I could say about that is that it is what it is. Maybe the solution that I found wasn’t really the solution that I needed at the time. I’m more than confident in my belief that it’s what I want, despite what others may think. Or maybe I wasn’t really ready to go from one extreme of my personality to the other at the time. Whatever the reason, I don’t think it’s too important at this very juncture. What matters is that the “game” is on, and I’m playing for keeps now.

Also, I took time today to go through my emotional budget and came to realization that all relationships aren’t worthy of being saved. Now, some people will read this (if anybody reads this) and think they know exactly who I am talking about. Let me be the first and only one to tell you that you are dead wrong in your assumption! To be perfectly honest, the one relationship that everyone thinks I should be trying so hard to mend and repair and save is the one that can be done without! It’s a relationship that has had it’s rocky moments over it’s course, it’s also had it’s smooth patches, and at one point in time, I probably would’ve broke my neck to make it work. But, I refuse to reach out and get my hand slapped away. I’m not that fucking nice or stupid. I personally think that everyone who you allow to hang around and be a part of your life, in any manner, should bring something to the table. If they don’t, then what the fuck is the point of them being there? I’ve lived without this person in my life, I’ve also lived with this person in my life. And, frankly, there’s no difference between the two. So, they’re out until such time as my feelings on the matter change. And if you know me, you know I’m not one to change my mind about something once I’ve made a decision.

But enough about me. How are you? Hope you’re ready for November 4th, 2008. It’s time to let it be known that we need a change in our country. Make sure you get out and vote!!!!

We are now less than 10 days away from Election Day. Even if you’ve only been casually following the Presidential campaign, you know that this year’s election is being called the biggest in recent American history. That means something. For the first time, we have, not only a minority candidate, but a candidate that understands the issues that face average Americans, who has a very legitimate chance of winning the White House, but please believe that it’s not going to be handed to him on a silver platter. Just turn on any cable news channel. The Republicans are trying everything in the book to find a way to discredit Sen. Obama and find a way to steal the presidency for a 3rd straight term! WE CAN NOT ALLOW THAT TO HAPPEN! On November 4th, we need to be at the polls in force, letting our government know that we need a serious change in Washington, that we won’t play victim to the political bully anymore! With that being said, understand there are a few rules. First, you can’t wear anything related to any candidate. That means leave your Obama T-shirts, pins, signs, etc. at home or in the car! If you walk into the polling place with anything with a candidate’s name on it, you will be turned away! And it’s legal for them to do it! Secondly, try to go as early as you can. Most polling places will open around 6 a.m., so if you have to get up extra early and go, do it. They’re counting on us not going first thing in the morning and being discouraged when we go later in the day and encounter long lines and wait times. Please try your hardest to disappoint them! Also, be informed about what you’re voting for! Yeah, it’s great that we finally have a black man in position to hold the highest job in the land, but know what the man stands for before you cast your ballot! Make sure you have proper identification when you go vote, too. Contact your local electin board, they can tell you what you will need to bring with you. Also, there are more things to vote for this year than just President. Know exactly what items will appear on the ballot in your local district. If you live in Missouri, you can go to http://www.govotemissouri.com and find that information. I’m more than sure there is a website similar to this in every state, but I don’t know them offhand. Once again, if you contact your local election board, they can give you all the information you need.

Yeah! I know it’s technically not 10/15/2008 anymore and I’ve already written an entry for today, but when has that ever stopped me before? Okay maybe the 2 entries on the same day thing is new, but you know what I mean. I got a lot on my mind and plan on getting it off right now. There’s no time like the present, so why wait? Life still amazes me. I know some of you are thinking that I’m not old enough to say that, but so what? I said it! Life is an amazing course of events that you wish you had some kind of road map to guide you through but, in retrospect, it wouldn’t be as much fun if you knew what was coming. Now, before anyone jumps the gun, nothing has happened. Well, nothing major has happened. I’m just expounding. I like to do that from time to time. But I digress… I’m looking at my recent history (the events that have taken place over the past few months. If you’re feeling a little lost, go back and read all my daily reflections from the past 3 months. It’s not much to read, you’ll live) and I’m so at peace with myself that it’s a little funny to me. The reason it’s funny is because I couldn’t imagine anybody else going through what I’ve gone through and coming out like I did. I’m not trying to say that I’m Mr. Indestructible, that’s far from the truth. I’ve been torn down, by myself and others so much that it’s amazing I get put back together correctly sometimes. I think I feel like I’ve weathered the true test of my staying power and passed with flying colors. Maybe not flying colors, I could’ve done a little bit better, (maybe taken the high road with regards to my feelings about certain situations and an entry in this very blog) but I still made it. And that’s a good thing. Nah, scratch that. Damn it, that’s a great thing! And through all the shit, all the verbal ping-pong, the rousing games of “He Said, She Said,” the handful of people who really had my back through the whole saga have earned a very special place in my heart. Some of them already had a special place, they just found a way to make sure it stays theirs. Thank you and I love you (y’all know who you are). I’ve always been told how much promise I had, how many big things everyone could see me doing. I guess now is the time to turn that potential into reality and capitalize on my inner greatness. For the first time in a long time, I’m excited for what the future holds. I’m excited to see if the things that have shown to me come to fruition. Especially when it comes to a certain situation, but that’s neither here nor there. It sure is gonna be a fun ride. Assalamu Alaikam

Like some of you, I just finished watching the final presidential debate. And I only have one thought on my mind as I write this. I am completely afraid of John McCain and his winking pit bull in a business suit, Sarah Palin. First, I’m afraid that the Ass Clown from Anchorage has ran around this country spewing her message of hate and racism to the point that somebody out there now believes it would be a good idea to end Sen. Obama’s life purely because of her rhetoric. That’s not right. Secondly, the state of bipartisan politics in this country is dreadful! It reminds me of high school prom queen elections. Nobody is sticking to the issues that are most important to the people, they just wanna make their opponent look as bad as possible. I’m ashamed of both of them for that! This is not a time in our country (and it is OUR country, remember that on Nov. 4th) where our leaders can afford to name-call and point fingers. We need real solutions to real problems! As a people, we’re broke, unemployed, undereducated, overstimulated, uninsured, unhealthy and hated all over the world. These are the things we need to hear our political leaders talking about, not old ass domestic terrorists who aren’t even on the national radar, preachers who get in the pulpit and speak their minds about the problems he sees in the world, not organizations that are trying to make sure that EVERY American voice is heard in the poles and definitely not the rest of the bullshit that has been spewed in the last few months. We need real answers to the very real questions that plague our very existence right now. Now, obviously, it’s no secret that I support Sen. Obama, so the last thing that scares me as I watch the post-debate coverage and look at different polls on the internet, is that it looks like there is a slim chance that Obama could lose! He could lose y’all! Which means John McCain would win! That means we would be in store for four more years of a Republican White House that is more concerned with perpetuating the “Good Ol’ Boys Club” and keeping the opportunities and resources that the average American citizens needs well out of their reach. In short, if McCain wins, more of the same bullshit we have had to endure under the current Commander-in-Chief. Besides, Sen. McCain looks as if he is inches away from meeting his maker which means if he was to win the presidency and passes away, we would be stuck with the Arctic Dodo, Gov. Sarah Palin. And I just can’t deal with that! I’ve joked around in the past that I would move to Canada or somewhere and denounce my American citizenship if the Republicans win. I’m here to say that I am dead serious about that statement. I honestly cannot live in and support a country that can’t help but try to run the world when we have so many problems right here. I can’t live in a nation that is more than willing to allow members of our armed forces to put their lives on the line for one individual’s personal agenda. Like most Americans, I’m opinionated to a fault at times. But to be willing to give up all the freedom I enjoy in this great (although extremely flawed) nation just because I fear an elected official speaks volumes about the state of the union. Something has got to be done! I hope for all of our sake, that we make the right decision in 20 days.

Today is officially the first day of the rest of my life. Maybe that’s being a little dramatic. So I’ll say that today is the first day of the next stage of my life. Let me explain…

For the most part, we all know what’s been happening in my life over the past few months, but the last 2 are the most interesting. The last 2 months I had been staying with some “friends” because I lost my apartment. Now, I know you’re wondering why I parentheses around the word friends. Here’s why. These people who I was staying with talked like they were my friends, at times they somewhat acted like they were my friends, but thy really weren’t. And it taught me a valuable lesson that I thought I had learned before. Before, I had learned that there’s nobody in this world that I can honestly rely on except for myself. That is completely untrue. Your friends, I’m talking about actual real-life friends, will do what they can to help when they can. And your family is always gonna be there for you, even if you’re a bit of screw-up like me. And I’d like to thank a special young lady for helping my re-learn that lesson. Thank you very much! I’ve told you before that your worth to me is unfathomable, even by me. I honestly appreciate you more and more each day.

Here’s the reason why I went through this re-learning process. I’m not trying to make excuses, I’m just trying to explain. I’ve gone so long in this life without having to rely on my family. Most of my life, my support network consisted of just one person. When that person left this world, it kinda threw me into a bit of tailspin. I wasn’t sure which way was up, and so when it came down to deciding who I should lean on for support in my time of need, I went the wrong way. Now, my “friends” did help me get my belongings somewhere safe, they did give me shelter, but they also gave me a lot of stress. I became the scapegoat in a horrible situation. And that cost me greatly. Now, don’t get me wrong, it cost me no money. Just 2 people that I considered friends, about 20 pounds that I probably could have afforded losing anyway and a TV that I will recover. That’s a pretty fair price to learn a valuable lesson, right?

But anyway, that’s all in the past now. I’m out of the dungeon and into the light for the first time in a very long time it seems. And it feels GOOD! I’ve made mention that it was kinda hard to get back to being myself after my father died. Today, feels like I made the first real step towards doing that. Thanks to family, both current and prospective. Assalamu alaikam.

For the people who actually sit down and read my blog (all 3 or 4 of you, not including myself), y’all have have been some lucky something-or-others these past few weeks! I’m gonna have to cut back or y’all gonna get spoiled. Too bad I barely get any responses or comments, though. Y’all suck! Anyway, on to the reason I’m here today…

I was reading a previous post and saw a subject I wanted to touch on again. If you remember on 3/2/2008 (Today’s Reflection – 3/2/2008: 1st paragraph) I spoke about the fact that I was feeling a sense of urgency to settle down. Well, those feelings have found their way to surface again. But this time around, they’re a little different. Now, I don’t really feel the need to settle down with anybody, I feel the need to be with one specific person for the rest of my life. Now, you know how I am, I had to find out exactly what was going on in my twisted little mind. So I asked a few people what their definition of being in love means. And to my surprise, they almost all described what I’m going through! So now, I can OFFICIALLY say that I am in love! And no, I’m not in love with myself! I won’t say any names, even though I really shouldn’t have to.

I think that’s all I really wanted to say today. This is the first time I’ve put my feelings into clear, concise words. It’s feels kind of weird, kinda like butterflies are break-dancing in my stomach. Anybody got an explanation for that one?

Sorry, no jokes to open this post. I’m not really feeling like myself. Today marks the one year anniversary of my father’s death, and I think I’m taking it a little too hard. What makes it worse though is the fact that I’m having to deal with by myself. But then again, I’ve been dealing with it by myself for the past year so that shouldn’t be anything new to me. I know everybody has to deal with death, and I’m not the only one who has lost a parent, but my situation is a little different. Maybe it would help if you understood my relationship with my father. Maybe it would if I understood my relationship with my father.

My father and I have been together since I was 4. He was there for just about every major event that happened in my life. He was my best friend and my worst enemy. My style icon. My hero. My image of what a man should be and how he should live. My confidante. My conscience. My therapist. My motivation and, at times, my inspiration. My punching bag when I needed to vent about something. My advice column when I just couldn’t figure shit out on my own. My source of courage. My crutch when I couldn’t stand on my own 2 feet. My educator. The mirror into my soul. My relationship with my father seemed like the only one I could maintain. Everybody else came and went, but he was always there. And now he’s not. And I feel so alone in the world without him. I don’t know what I’m going to do or where I’m gonna go.

I can remember before he died, I knew what general direction my life was heading in. I couldn’t tell you exactly what was destined for me, but I had a clue. And after he passed, the path got a kinda dark. But I could still see what direction I was heading in. I met someone, fell in love and a little light was cast into my world, I was able to see what was ahead. But now, 1 year removed from the worst day of my life so far, I’m without both of them. And it scares me to death.

I’m gonna stop here because I’m having a really hard time keeping my composure enough to type. Assalamu Alaikam