Today I want to touch on a topic that might just piss some of y’all off, but oh well, that’s what I’m here for. What is up with women using men? Now, I’m not saying all or even most, I’m just asking about the percentage that does it and the shit makes them think that it’s cool. Let me tell you what happened that brought this around…

Now for those that don’t know, I’m aspiring to play professional football in the very near future. Actually, I aspire to do a few things in the very near future, but we won’t get into all of that right now. We’ll just save it until next time (sorry once again poetry fans!). But back to the story…

Some days I get up at 6:30 am and I go work out. Some days I push that back to about 8 or 9, but that’s not the point. Today just happened to be one of those days that I was extra committed to obtaining my dream, so I got up and called my trainer so we could go work out (yes, the man answers my calls at just about any hour. He’s billing me at $100 an hour, so he better answer the damn phone!). I keep my workouts short and simple because of the strain that it puts on my diminishing savings account. So by 9:30, I was back in the house and headed for my bed and a shower (if any of y’all have done sport-specific training early on a rainy December morning, you understand why the bed came before the shower.) I laid down for a while, and then I had to get up and relieve myself. While I was using the facilities, my phone rang. Obviously, I didn’t answer it. When I came back downstairs to lie down and watch the good ol’ boob tube, my phone rang again. A female friend of mine was in need of some help. She had a flat tire and needed someone to change it for her. I have no problem playing the part of the knight in shining armor, so I got dressed and went to her aid. When I arrived at her house, she was busy calling guys she knows, trying to get them to come help her. When they refused for various reasons, she got pissed off. She even told one guy to never call her again. So here’s the question to you ladies who are reading this (and the fellas too, if you got an opinion), what did she have to get mad about? If someone can’t be somewhere for you when you want them there, is that really their fault? And how can you be mad at somebody for thinking that you’re using him or her when the only reason you call is because you need something? How does any of that make sense?

I’ll being waiting in burning anticipation for your responses to this one…

Hot damn! We are only 12 days away from Christmas! Time flies when you’re having fun, huh? At this time, I’m gonna take a little pity on myself, please feel free to join in…

My Christmas list was comprised of only two things this year, and both of them could’ve been easily gotten. Neither was extraordinarily expensive or time-consuming. But, as you probably guessed, I didn’t get what I wanted. And on top of that, I have to spend Christmas alone, more than 1000 miles away from my family again. For those that know me well (and that is one SHORT list), y’all know how much it kills me not to be able to see my kinfolks right now. I’ll wait for all of the heartfelt sympathy to subside before I continue… Now, that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s move on. A few things are on my mind at 12:18 a.m. EST and figured I would share them with you. If you thought you were gonna get another poem as an entry, just wait a damn minute! I’ll do that tomorrow! Right now I have to bear my soul to my PC and you all are my witnesses.

First off, Richard Pryor died this weekend. That hit me like a ton of bricks. I am huge fan of black comedians and Richard Pryor was the Godfather of them all. We should all take a moment of silence to reflect on the enigmatic angel of laughter that has been sent home to be with our Father… Some friends and I were discussing some of the tragedies that have happened in the entertainment world over the past few years and on of them said that Richard Pryor’s passing was a bigger tragedy than Aaliyah’s untimely demise. Now this isn’t something that can be proven with facts, but let me give it a try anyway. While Richard Pryor is well known in this country for his brash stand-up (y’all know “Live on The Sunset Strip” was off the damn hook!) and his hilarious movies, he was as big of a crossover sensation as Aaliyah was. My grandmother and aunties shed tears when Aaliyah died, my boss at the time wore black for a week straight and he could barely name 2 songs that she sung! But enough about that, thinking about death is starting to depress me just a little bit.

In an earlier post, I began to speak about some of the dreams and plans I had for my life that have seemed to fall by the wayside. It took me actually finding a list that I wrote in high school to face the music and speak about them. The first is probably the most obvious. I thought by now I would have my college degree, but I don’t. And please spare me the old tired clich d rhetoric about it’s never too late to go back and get it. That’s some bull%#&@$!! The longer you go without being in school, the harder it gets. True, it’s never too late, but at some point, you have to step and realize that if you haven’t done it by now, then might never do it. With that being said, I’m enrolling in one of those online universities this spring so I can get my bachelor’s degree in Business Administration. So a round of applause for me! Second, I thought that I would have opened some kind of business by now, seeing as how I hate working for other people and they say that people who feel that way make the best entrepreneurs. Now, I never was able to decide what type of business I wanted and think that’s what has kept me from doing that. But, I have narrowed the choices down to just 2, a nightclub/supper club and an automotive modification garage. I figure those are 2 things our community can never have enough of: places for someone to go get drunk and somewhere for you to get your car hooked up. The only other things a black neighborhood needs to survive is a small market/corner store and a barber shop/beauty salon. And get that look off your face, you know I’m right! Third, and this the one that kinda doesn’t make sense to me. I thought I would be married by now. That’s not to say that I haven’t put forth some effort to make this one come true, but I’ll save that story for another post. Maybe the next one (sorry poetry fans, looks like you gotta wait a few more days). And the last one on the list is I thought I would own my own home by now. After I read the list a shed a few tears because of how far off of my plan I was, I realized that all of these things put together made up my idea of a perfect life. Which got me to thinking. If this list is my idea of a perfect life, then what is my honest opinion of the life I lead right now? Let’s just say that the smile isn’t just upside down, it’s completely gone. I could’ve sworn that I had predicted what my life as a 20-something would look like to a tee in high school, and I’m so far off-base that I want to go back in time, apologize to that naive 16 year old who wrote this list and then let him beat the shit out of me! But enough about that.

Let me further expound on another subject I touched on in an earlier post. Contrary to popular belief, I was a shy kid in high school. And to be perfectly honest, I still haven’t gotten over that completely. Back then, I was too scared to talk to a girl on a serious level and commit myself to an honest relationship, which led to widespread promiscuity throughout high school. A female friend of mine likes to say I was just being a man-whore, but there’s more to it. When you’re so unsure of yourself to the point that being around a girl that you like turns you into jelly, what options do you have? Either stay a virgin or sleep around so much that it helps you develop a reputation and image that can stand on it’s own and keep you from having to overcome that debilitating shyness. But there are some harmful side effects to this. The persona that you create can become so powerful and overwhelming that your true personality has to take a backseat and you never truly recover from that. Looking back on it now, it’s so sad that it’s actually funny. In high school, I was the epitome of a jock, to a certain extent. I played at least one sport all 4 years of high school, and most of my time was spent on Varsity of JV. So, I guess you could say that I could handle myself on the field/court/diamond/track. But when it came time to be around some girls, I could be found in a corner somewhere or in the back of the group, by myself. A few of teammates saw this and their way of helping me deal with my problem was to set me up with as many fast girls as they could find. That was kinda detrimental to me at that age because it got to the point that the only things I could bring myself to talk to a girl about were sports and sex. And if the conversation wandered away from either of those topics, I was dead in the water. Then by my junior year, I had developed this alter ego (and somehow he got his own name; Moses. Don’t ask) who was like my version of the perfect man. Y’all know what I’m talking about; the guy that every man wants to be and every woman wants to be with. But this side of my personality was only a mask and not exactly the face I should’ve wanted people to see; he was shallow, vain, inconsiderate, pigheaded, conceited and downright rude. Basically, the biggest asshole you would ever meet. But I felt safe acting like that. I didn’t have to reveal too much of my true self to get what I wanted and everybody around me got to be around this “cool” guy. It seemed like a win-win situation. Until now. Like I said before, I still haven’t gotten over my shyness, but now it manifests itself in different ways. I’m withdrawn, emotionless at times, and I have a hard time expressing my true feelings in a normal, healthy fashion (which should explain my last post reads like a drunken tirade). Hell, I have a hard time calling a woman that I’m romantically interested in and maintaining a conversation! It really hurts because I know where I went wrong, but I’m not sure how to fix it, or if it’s even fixable situation. But we’ll save that for another day too…

(Just a hint for the future: if I run away from a topic, it’s probably because I’m not frame of mind to deal with it at that time. But today, it’s hard to see through the tears.)

This is gonna sound kinda odd to some people, but I’m sick and fucking tired of being single! Especially around this time of the year! It seems like everywhere I go, I’m surrounded by couples and makes me want to pull out the little bit of hair that I have! And the bad part is that there is somebody that I would give anything in this world to be with, but there seems to be way too many roadblocks along that road. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not planning on giving up on her (And she should know who she is. Matter of fact, I’m on the phone with her right now.) I’m gonna have to look at the situation in a realistic light. There is an incredible amount of distance between us and even if we lived right next door to each other, she has a man! Now I’m cocky son of a something or other, but I’m a little apprehensive about pursuing a woman that is in a relationship, no matter how I feel about her or if I know in my heart of hearts that we are meant to be together. So the best that I can do right now is make sure that I make my feelings and intentions well known to her and hope that she sees the light at the end of the tunnel. But then again, I’ve never really been one to be passive when it comes to chasing what I want in life. But then again, I’m kinda scared to break up her relationship because karma is one mean-spirited bitch! The same way that she would leave her man to be with me, she could leave me to be with somebody else.

I know this post seems like just one long ass run-on sentence, but I’m just speaking from my heart and this is how it sounds in my head. So I’ll continue…

Now this certain special young lady isn’t the only potential love interest on the horizon. She just happens to be head and shoulders above the rest. Maybe I’m over-thinking the situation and if we are meant to be together then it will happen. But there is nothing wrong with giving fate a little kick in the pants, is there? Or maybe I should keep my feelings to myself and move on. But that sounds like a punk move. How could I ever achieve true happiness if I denied myself my heart’s biggest want? I think I don’t give other women a fair shake at being in my life because I’m either holding out for the one I want, or I unfairly compare them to her. And I admit that I have her on a pedestal so high she might get a nose bleed. I don’t know. I’m just confused right now and kinda out of words.

I know it’s past Thanksgiving, but I felt that I should write this post anyway. First and foremost, I’m thankful for being alive and healthy. God obviously has a plan for me or I would be gone by now. Second, I’m thankful for my family and friends. I’ve been through a lot of dark times, especially in the last few years, and they were always there for me, no matter what. Last but certainly not least, I’m thankful for myself. As I take time to reflect on my life and all the pitfalls and perils that I’ve been through, I always come to the same conclusion. A person of lesser mind and weaker resolve would have given up a long time ago. But I’m either too cocky or too naive to accept defeat, even if it’s staring me right in the face.

First and foremost, happy belated birthday to me! And for all of you who contacted me and wished me a happy birthday, thanks a lot! I can’t begin to imagine the words that would express my appreciation. For all of you who knew when my birthday was and forgot, shame on you! But enough about that. It’s officially been 2 days since I reached the nice, ripe, round age of 25 and a few things have come to light. First, I don’t feel that different! When I was younger, I always thought that I would feel a lot older when I reached my mid-20’s. But I still feel like that shy, un-confident kid that I was through most of high school. That sounds funny, huh? I played sports all throughout high school, I always could be found around some of the prettiest girls in my high school, I always looked nice, but for some reason, I could never get past that awkwardness that most guys who were nowhere near as popular as I was dealt with on a daily basis. Still, to this day, I get nervous as hell when I even think about approaching a woman, especially if she is fine! Now ain’t that about a bitch! The second thing that I realized is that I’m not doing the things that I planned to be doing when I reached this part of my life. I’m not gonna take the time to go through that list right now, the battery in my laptop is about to die. I think it’s kinda funny that most people say that when they take time to reflect on their life. Why do we seem to always stray away from those childhood aspirations as we grow up? We should let our earlier dreams be the guiding light through life. Because, let’s be honest, the last time most of us were truly and completely happy was when we were kids. So maybe the dreams we have as a child hold some kind of magical way to recapture a small part of that happiness from earlier in our lives. But then again, I could be drunk off of leftover birthday cake and Paul Masson right now. Who knows…

Before I post any of the clutter that occupies my gray matter, I had to share something. I’ve just had another experience that reinforces the fact that life is a never-ending cycle. When I was a little dude, probably around 10 or 11, my biggest dream was to be in the music business. I dreamed day and night about being onstage with everyone in the audience’s attention focused squarely on me. I even took up writing to make sure that I had plenty of material for when I made it. As I got older, that boyhood dream faded a little bit but my love for writing never did. But recently, I had a chance to live out that little boy’s dream and it was beyond description! I’ve done some of the wildest things that a sane person can do, but nothing I can think of can match the adrenaline rush I got from being on that stage for just a few minutes.