Like we always do at this time… I’d like to wish a very Happy Father’s Day to all the fathers, stepfathers, godfathers and especially those men that have taken it upon themselves to step up and be a positive role model in the life of a young person. The job you do in the lives of our youth is a thankless one, but know that your contribution is appreciated! For those men that have fathered children yet play no role in their lives, look at today as a sort of call to arms. No child deserves to be without the love and support of both of their parents. And no matter how hard another might try, no one can replace you in the eyes of your kid. So despite whatever relationship you might have with the mother, go be there for your seed. Help mold them into the kind of man or woman that this world can look up to.

Let me also take this moment to wish my father a very Happy Father’s Day. It’s been almost 8 years (wow, time really flies) since you were called home, but I still feel your presence as if I just saw you yesterday. I miss you more than any amount of words, written or otherwise, could ever express. I love you with the full capacity of my heart and to deepest depths of my soul. I wish you were here for me to say these words to you in person, but I know you can hear me. I love you daddy and I miss you so much.

Now that I’ve gotten all of the pleasantness out of the way, let me say something that some of y’all are not gonna like. You might want to cuss me out, but frankly I don’t give a damn. I don’t like having to say the SAME THING EVERY YEAR. Today is FATHER’S DAY! It is not Single Mother’s Day, Baby Mama’s Day or Bitter B**** with Kid’s Day. If you are one of these three things (a single mother, a baby mama or a bitter b**** with kids), kindly keep your dick holster closed until tomorrow. Stay your ass off of all social media sites for the day. We don’t need your negativity stinking up the place. No matter what you do in your child’s life, you’re not a father. Don’t nobody wanna hear that “I play both roles” bullshit! It’s a shame that you have to do more in the life/lives of your kid(s) than you should. But, you don’t play both roles! You only play the role of a mother! That’s it! Let if f***ing go. No one wants to hear you complain about the lazy, good for nothing guy you CHOSE to have kids by. True, you deserve to be commended for ensuring that your kids are taken care of. But that’s what MOTHER’S DAY is for. Tomorrow is for the celebration of men that do their part (in some cases more than) to provide and raise their (and in some cases, other peoples) kids. Today is not for you to beat the Bitter B**** Drum about your trifling ass baby daddy. Because, at the end of the day, you CHOSE to lay down with him. So if he ain’t shit, what does that really say about your ability to make decisions? If your kids don’t have a father for you to celebrate, celebrate your own damn daddy or a man that you know is doing what he’s supposed to do. If you can’t do that, once again, keep your f***ing dick holster shut!

I’m sorry I had to be so ugly, but it had to be said. And apparently, it has to be said every year.

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A New York City subway train holds 1,200 people. This blog was viewed about 5,700 times in 2014. If it were a NYC subway train, it would take about 5 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

Good afternoon world. As I sit here and stare out the window at a beautiful early spring day in Atlanta, I can’t help but feel… horrible. I feel absolutely, positively, unequivocally like shit. And this isn’t the first day I’ve felt like this. Hell, I’m still trying to remember the last time I actually felt good. Or was genuinely happy. I know one thing, its been a long damn time. I also know something else, some shit has got to change. The reason I’ve decided to talk about it is because I think I’m more comfortable about what’s going on in my head now than I have been in the past. That’s not to say I’m comfortable with the way I feel, but it doesn’t make me feel as uneasy as it has previously. So let’s get right into it, shall we?

For as long as I can honestly remember (which is a lot longer than I’m willing to admit), I have had a very hard time controlling my mood. Let me clarify. That doesn’t mean that I’m prone to unexpected mood swings. But if I wake up and feel bad, I feel BAD. And that dark cloud is liable to stay over me for the day. Sometimes, multiple days. Or weeks. Or months. When I was younger, I dealt with this by drinking. Heavily. And bedding pretty much any female that came my way. As I entered my twenties, the prevailing thought by those that were closest to me was that I suffered from depression. I never sought a professional opinion about this because the thought of being on medication to control my mood just completely bothered the fuck out of me. So instead of seeking help, I continued with what had worked for me in the past.

Now here I am, 33 years old and facing those old demons once again. Except this time, the vices and crutches that were effective in the past no longer work. I wake up every morning and almost have to convince myself that life is still worth living. There are some days that are not as bad as others, but that’s like trying to differentiate between dying by lethal injection or the electric chair. Neither offers a very promising future. Unlike before, I did go about seeking a professional’s opinion. I went to go see a psychiatrist (instead of a psychologist, as I was advised to do). After talking with her for a couple of hours and telling her about all the dark places in my head, she said that what I described sounded like Bipolar Disorder and suggested that after a few more sessions, I begin taking medication. No offense to anyone that suffers from Bipolar Disorder, but that ain’t the kid. My emotional pendulum doesn’t swing wildly, it tends to stay stuck in one position and it feels like it almost takes an act of God for it move ever so slightly. So once again, I’m staring the D word right in the face. And while I’m still a bit apprehensive about taking medication, my stance on it has softened considerably. I mean if it helps me get back to being me, it’s worth a try. Right?

Enough with the dark and sad shit, let’s get to the good part…

After quite a bit of contemplation, I’ve come to the decision that my time in Atlanta needs to come to an end. Again. For the third time, right? So what makes this time different than the others? This time, I think it might be permanent. It feels like it needs to be. Or at least, for the foreseeable future. Now I know what you’re thinking: where we will he go? I’ve decided (at least for right now) to go back to St. Louis. Being there puts me in a good location to be able to jump up and go see the faces that I think can make me smile just about whenever I want to. I would be a few hours away from my family, which I love dearly even though I ignore them most of the time. I would be in the same city as a woman that has meant a great deal to me for a very long time. And before you start trying to figure out which female from sorted past I could be referring to, I’m talking about the woman I affectionately refer to as my mom. Get your minds out of the gutter and those trashy romance novels. This decision was not reached frivolously. I really had to take some time and do some soul searching.

The one conundrum in all of this grandiose planning of mine is a certain young lady that has made off with my heart like thief in the night. As much as I would LOVE to move to be closer to her, I think doing so now would cause more damage to our relationship than any good it would do. Right now, I really need to get myself back to being the person that everybody knows and loves me being. Or at the very least, as close to him as I can get. I know this news might come to the chagrin of a few people (I’m sorry) and the delight of some others (Yay), but I had to make this call. It’s what I feel is best for me at this point in my life. And right now, that has to be my priority. Hell, I have to be my priority.

I haven’t really worked out the details for how I’m going to make this all happen. Those will hopefully unveil themselves over the coming weeks and months. But I do have a timetable. I plan to be back in Missouri by this time, next year. By any means necessary, to steal a line from Malcolm X.

I understand there might be a few of you that could give a flying fuck about where I am geographically, you wanna know where I stand creatively. Rest assured that my book will get completed. Hopefully, by the end of the summer. With that being said, the second and third books in the series will follow shortly. I think I’m just going to keep writing once I’m done with the first one, instead of taking a break between manuscripts. So, there’s no need to worry. And I’m also brainstorming about another book idea. And I’m still working on that book of poetry that I’ve been talking about for some years now.

One more thing and I’ll let you guys go. If you know me, I mean really know me, I need your help. If at any time you’re free, please come spend time with me. Drag me, kicking and screaming, out of my funk if you have to. I don’t care what we do, I just need that interaction with people to bring me out of the darkness. That’s the one thing that’s different now as opposed to the past. My social circle was always within reach. Being around my friends, family and loved ones has a way of dispelling the clouds and allowing the sun to shine upon me.

Can’t you tell that I’m totally in love with the English language, as most writers are?

That’s all I got for you good people today. Like always, peace and love until the next time we meet…

Yo. We’re gonna bypass all the clever greetings and snarky introductions for the day. I just, I just don’t feel it right now. I know its been a while since I wrote in my blog, you know its been a while since I wrote in my blog. There’s no need to beat the dead horse. For the few of you that read this and are my friend on Facebook, you know I haven’t been in the best of moods today. For those of you that missed it, let me recap.

I woke up this morning and was unequivocably, undeniably, unabashedly pissed smooth the fuck off. Now I know what you’re thinking, plenty of people wake up in a bad mood. This is true. But most of them, I’d say somewhere around 85% or more, know why they are in said bad mood. That was not the case for me this morning. Like most people that are feeling like sour grapes, I tried to pass the blame off on someone/something else. Once I realized that wouldn’t work, I lashed out at somebody. And for that, I am truly sorry. But once all of that was out of the way and I was still standing there fuming, I didn’t know what to do. I tried to meditate to no avail. I tried prayer and got the same result. I even tried to be passive aggressive about the whole thing and post a status on Facebook. No dice, the kid was still steaming mad.

As I sat, stewing, the overwhelming urge to be mindlessly violent kept coming to the surface. Thank God, cooler heads (or at least inclement weather) prevailed. So I turned to the next best thing, alcohol. Now, I’m not drunk or even buzzed while writing this but I felt like I needed a little bit of liquor in my system to help me find my way out of the haunted forest that is my own mind. But in the end, all that did was help me realize that I needed to take a shower.

But in the shower, that’s where things got kinda interesting. As the warm water ran over me, I had an epiphany. I need help. And not just any kind of help. I think I might need professionally licensed help. And that kinda scares me.