Category Archives: Humor

Florida Court Orders Mother Of 15 To Learn Fellatio

Posted on by under Humor, In the Words of Another...

Bobby Bou's avatarThe Daily Cricket

Tampa, Fla. – Angel Adams, an  unemployed mother of 15 children, has been ordered by a Florida court judge to take fellatio lessons in an attempt to slow down the onslaught of illegitimate children spewing from her vagina. The unusual sentence follows weeks of arrests, court appearances and network interviews.

Judge Tracy Sheehan handed down the sentence after Adams refused to admit she was pregnant again.

“Ms. Adams, as a judge of this court and as a citizen of the state of Florida,” said Judge Sheehan, ”I am obligated to shut down the party in your pants. You apparently have no moral compass to guide your unstoppable urge to share your body with the entire male population of the Florida panhandle, so this court is ordering you to learn how to perform fellatio and how to give hand jobs. If this doesn’t slow your unabashed desire to drive up the…

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Catfish (I Hate the Fact I Feel Compelled to Write This…)

Posted on by under General, Humor, Love & Relationships, Rants & Random Ramblings

Good afternoon world! Hopefully this blog finds you in good health and even better spirits. I don’t really have a lot to say that doesn’t have to do with today’s topic, so let’s get right to it.

So, after being bombarded with all the coverage of “Manti Te’o fake dead girlfriend” story over the past few days and constantly hearing references to Catfish, I decided to watch the movie. I had never heard of this movie up until now. Let me just say that a part of me feels like that might have been the biggest mistake I’ve made in a while, like the last piece of my innocence was violently snatched away. My soul feels violated. If you’re unfamiliar with the movie (as I was), here’s the synopsis from IMDB:

“In late 2007, filmmakers Ariel Schulman and Henry Joost sensed a story unfolding as they began to film the life of Ariel’s brother, Nev. They had no idea that their project would lead to the most exhilarating and unsettling months of their lives. A reality thriller that is a shocking product of our times, Catfish is a riveting story of love, deception and grace within a labyrinth of online intrigue.”

I know that doesn’t really give away a lot, but keep reading.

Now, I know I would never find myself in a situation like the guy from Catfish or Manti. I’m too jaded cautious to allow myself to blindly get caught up like that. I’m good to Google the hell outta somebody long before I even contemplate catching feelings. But, as I’ve said on countless occasions, I’m a die-hard romantic. Even though I knew how the movie was gonna end, I was sitting here hoping and wishing that the girl was gonna be real and they would live happily ever after. That’s why I feel so violated. It takes a lot for a person to put themselves out and open up, to give a piece of your soul to someone and have faith that they won’t mistreat it. And I’m just talking about relationships in general, imagine how much more difficult it is to do it across distance and via electronic communication. That’s gotta be exponentially more difficult and nobody deserves to be victimized like that.

Some of you are probably thinking, “He’s relating his own story to what happened in the movie.” Please believe me, that couldn’t be further from the truth. Like I said, I’m jaded cautious when it comes to affairs of the heart and take time to thoroughly investigate anybody that I let in because I’ve had my heart broken before. But we’ve all had our gullible moments when it comes to our dealings with the opposite sex, especially us men. That’s how we become jaded cautious in regards to our romantic lives in the first place.

But on the other hand, some things are too good to be true and should be treated as such. How many times have you randomly met somebody on Facebook (or Myspace, Twitter, Blackplanet, Migente, etc.) and they were pretty much perfect? Not just perfect for you, but generally considered as perfect? Not only did he fall for the chick, but his brother and friend did too. Where does that happen at? Go ahead and take a second to think about it, I’ll wait…

I’ve only met 2 or 3 women in life that I would say are perfect for me (yes, one of them is the current object of my affection), and I’m pretty damn sure I’ve never met a perfect person. Maybe I’m just not going to the right places. But on the flip side, I wouldn’t want a “perfect” person. I’m far from perfect (don’t tell anybody I said that), so I know I wouldn’t be able to keep perfection satisfied. Or maybe I could, I am the shit…

I think that’s all I have for today, I’m not really up for going into some long diatribe about the perils of meeting someone on the internet. Especially considering that I’m just shy of falling head over heels for somebody that I met online. Don’t want to give that jaded cautious side of me too much to think about. So until next time, peace and love…

The New Husband Store

Posted on by under Humor, Love & Relationships

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. “That’s nice,” she thinks, “but I want more.” So she continues upward. She goes to the third floor, the sign reads: Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. “Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor, the sign reads: Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. “Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!” Still, she goes to the fifth floor, the sign reads: Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, the sign reads: Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex, have money, and like beer. The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Which One Are You?

Posted on by under Humor, Love & Relationships

A Man Has 4 Different Types of Girls: Wifey, Baby Girl, the Side Piece and the Jump Off…

1) Wifey is the sexiest, most successful and most respected of all the women. She is loved, needed and wanted by her man. She is VIRTUALLY IRREPLACEABLE. She is the girl that the guy loves and will always love, he never wants to see her with another man, BUT he will cheat on her with Baby Girl until he is mature enough to realize that if he gets caught or fucks up in any way and loses Wifey, he would be screwed, and NEVER be happy again. Wifey gets along with mom, is independent, never nags, loves to dress sexy for her man, can cook and loves to keep a clean house. Wifey gets called 5 or 6 times a day. Drawback of Wifey: she loves public displays of affection, which might interfere with the acquisition of a Side Piece.

2) Baby Girl is ALWAYS just as hot as wifey and usually has a very active social life. She IS replaceable, thinks she’s the next Wifey, but will only be Wifey if an extreme disaster takes place. Baby Girl gets some of the benefits of Wifey, like quality time every now and then and even presents on birthdays and holidays, but that’s as far as it goes. The main reason to have Baby Girl is in case Wife really really fucks up; she can be replaced in a matter of weeks because Baby Girl has been groomed to slip right into her spot. Be careful of Baby Girl, she tends to be just as attached as Wifey and therefore can be dangerous to the Side Piece. Biggest benefit of Baby Girl: she is extremely private and hates causing a scene, Baby Girl can come into the same restaurant as the man and Wifey and Wifey will have no idea the two even know each other. Baby Girl is a master of disguise as well.

3) Side Piece, usually a female that the guy uses only for sex or other pleasures. She is usually the one that he goes to for that threesome or some late night head after the club. When Wifey is acting up and Baby Girl is at work, the Side Piece is usually the one to hold him over for a few hours. He can meet with the Side Piece for reasons other than sex, but normally that only happens one week during the month. Side Pieces are hard to spot when they are out because most of her friends are either Wifeys or Jump Offs. Drawback of having more than one Side Piece: they usually know each other somehow. We think there is a side piece network or something. Try to keep your side piece count below 4 if possible.

4) Jump Off: every man’s dream and worst nightmare. She is trying to move up in life, wants to be a Side Piece or Wifey but doesn’t know how to go about it. They are just the girls he hollas at when he is with his boys. She is usually stored in the mobile phone by a nickname because he barely remembers her real name and where he met her, he only recalls how fat her ass was. The Jump Off gets called in emergencies only, when Wifey is moody, Baby Girl is on vacation and the Side Piece is with her baby’s father. The Jump Off is extremely dangerous in public for a number of reasons, she is usually 5 other guys’ Jump Off as well, so she might cause drama with you and one of those dudes if you slip up, she also has no problem confronting you in the mall when you are with Wifey (something that Baby Girl would NEVER do) and the most dangerous thing about Jump Off; she ALWAYS seems to find out where you live and or work…

So once again ladies, I ask… WHICH ONE ARE YOU?

God’s Diet Plan

Posted on by under Health, Humor

… and God populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower, spinach and green & yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald’s.
And McDonald’s brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger.
And Satan said to Man, “You want fries with that?”
And Man said, “Super size them.”
And Man gained pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that Woman might keep her figure that Man found so fair.
And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt.
And Woman gained pounds.

And God said, “Try My crispy fresh salad.”
And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits and shredded cheese.
And there was ice cream for dessert.
And Woman gained pounds.

And God said, “I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them.”
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak from Cracker Barrel so big it needed its own platter.
And Man gained pounds, and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.
And Man gained pounds.

And God said, “You’re running up the score, Devil.”
And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them.
And he created sour cream dip also.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.
And Satan saw and said, “It is good.”
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery…
And Satan created HMOs…