Lost Ones

The bathroom light was still on. It hummed faintly behind the closed door, a thin strip of yellow spilling across the hallway carpet. Four plastic tests lay on the sink counter, lined up like tiny white verdicts. All of them said the same thing. Positive.

Lena stared at them until the word blurred. Her hands were trembling—not with fear, not exactly. It felt more like standing on the edge of something enormous and bright. Something terrifying and miraculous all at once. She pressed a palm to her stomach.

“Oh my God,” she whispered, and then she laughed—a small, disbelieving sound. “Oh my God.”

In the living room, Marcus was stretched across their secondhand couch, laptop balanced on his knees, a spreadsheet open. He was muttering under his breath about rent and hours and how his manager had cut his shifts again.

“Babe?” he called. “You okay in there?”

The bathroom door clicked open. Lena stepped out slowly, the tests clenched in her hand. Her face looked pale, but her eyes were shining in a way he hadn’t seen before.

Marcus sat up immediately. “Hey, what happened?”

She didn’t answer right away. She walked toward him like someone walking through water. Then she held out her hand.

“Well?” he asked, already bracing.

She held a pregnancy test out like evidence in a trial. “I’m pregnant.”

The word cracked through the room. He stared at the stick, then at her.

“Are you sure?”

Her laugh was sharp. “No, Marcus, I just collect positive pregnancy tests for fun.”

He winced. “That’s not what I—”

“I took four.”

Silence. For a split second, something like awe crossed his expression. Then it shifted. Tightened. His brain started calculating before he could stop it. Rent. Bills. His cut shifts. Her car that barely started in the mornings.

“Pregnant,” he repeated.

She nodded, a breathless smile breaking through. “We’re going to have a baby.”

Silence. Marcus swallowed. He set the laptop aside slowly, as if any sudden movement might shatter something fragile.

“Okay,” he said carefully. The smile on her face faltered.

“Okay?” she echoed.

He ran a hand through his hair. “I mean… okay. Wow. That’s… wow.”

She waited for him to stand. To pull her into a hug. To laugh. To say this is crazy and beautiful and we’ll figure it out. He didn’t. Instead, he leaned forward, elbows on his knees, staring at the carpet.

“How far along do you think you are?”

“I don’t know. Maybe five weeks? Six?” She hugged herself. “I missed my period and I just—I knew.”

He nodded slowly. Too slowly.

“Marcus,” she said, her voice thinning, “say something.”

“I’m trying.”

His mind was already racing ahead: rent due next week, the electric bill they were late on, the cracked windshield they still hadn’t fixed. His community college tuition. Her part-time job at the café that barely covered groceries.

“You look like someone just told you you’re going to prison.”

“Because this is serious, Lena!”

“It’s also exciting,” she shot back. “Or did that not cross your mind?”

He stood up abruptly. “Of course it crossed my mind! But do you want me to throw confetti? We can barely afford groceries!”

“We’ll make it work.”

“How?” His voice rose. “With what money? With what space? We’re in a one-bedroom apartment with mold in the bathroom!”

“So we move!”

“With what savings?!” he barked.

She flinched but didn’t back down. “People figure it out all the time.”

“Yeah, and they’re drowning half the time.”

“At least they try.”

He froze. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means you’re already looking for an exit.”

“No I am not.”

“You haven’t said one single positive thing since I walked out of that bathroom.”

“Because I’m not an idiot, Lena!” he snapped. “This isn’t some Instagram announcement. This is eighteen years. Minimum.”

Her face hardened. “You think I don’t know that?”

“I think you’re romanticizing this.”

“Oh my God.” She threw the test onto the coffee table. “You think I’m stupid.”

“I think you’re emotional.”

Her jaw dropped. “Wow.”

“Don’t twist my words.”

“You just said I’m emotional.”

“You are!” he shot back. “You’re running on adrenaline and hormones and—”

“Say it.” She stepped toward him. “Say what you’re actually thinking.”

He hesitated.

“That we’re not ready,” he said finally.

“And?”

“And that maybe we should think about whether this is the right time.”

Her voice dropped to ice. “Whether what is the right time?”

He looked away.

“Say it, Marcus.”

He swallowed. “Whether we should… go through with it.”

The air left her lungs like he’d punched her.

“Go through with it,” she repeated. “You mean have your child?”

“I mean make a decision that doesn’t wreck our lives.”

Her eyes blazed. “So that’s what this is? A wreck?”

“You don’t even need to think about it?” she asked, voice trembling with disbelief.

“I am thinking about it!” he barked. “That’s the problem!”

“You mean you’re thinking about how screwed you are.”

“I’m thinking about how screwed we are.”

“No,” she shot back. “You’re thinking about yourself.”

He spun toward her. “Oh, that’s rich.”

“Is it?”

“Yes, it is! Because you’re acting like this is some miracle dropped from the sky instead of a disaster.”

“A disaster?” Her voice broke. “That’s what you think our child is?”

“I think it’s terrible timing!”

“You don’t get perfect timing!” she screamed. “Life doesn’t send you a calendar invite!”

He dragged his hands down his face. “We are twenty-two. We are broke. We fight about gas money. And now you want to bring a baby into that?”

She stepped closer, trembling. “I don’t want to bring a baby into it. The baby is already here.”

“It’s barely the size of a seed!”

“It’s still ours!”

He shook his head, backing away like she was something dangerous. “We have options.”

There it was again. Options. Her expression hardened into something almost unrecognizable.

“You mean an abortion.”

He didn’t answer.

“That’s what you mean.”

“I mean we don’t have to ruin our lives because of one mistake!”

The second the word left his mouth, he knew. Mistake. Lena stared at him like he had just slapped her across the face.

“Say that again,” she whispered.

“I didn’t mean—”

“Say it again.”

He didn’t.

“You think this baby is a mistake?” she asked, voice shaking with fury. “You think I am stupid enough to call it that?”

“I meant the situation!”

“No. You meant the baby.”

He looked away.

Her chest rose and fell rapidly. “My mom was nineteen. Nineteen. Everyone told her I was a mistake too.”

“I’m not everyone!”

“You sound exactly like them!”

He snapped. “Your mom struggled her entire life, Lena! You told me she cried in the kitchen because she couldn’t afford groceries!”

“And she still chose me!”

“And she never finished school!” he shot back. “She never got out of that crappy apartment!”

“At least she didn’t kill her kid to make it easier!”

The word hung there. Kill.

Marcus recoiled. “That’s not what I’m saying, Lena! Quit putting words in my mouth!”

“That’s what it feels like.”

“You don’t get to twist it into murder because I’m scared!”

“You don’t get to dress it up as logic because you’re selfish!”

He stepped forward, eyes blazing. “Selfish? You think I’m selfish for not wanting to drag a kid through poverty?”

“I think you’re selfish because you’re scared you’ll end up stuck.”

His jaw tightened. “You don’t know what it’s like.”

“No?” she fired back. “To have a dad who bailed? To grow up watching your mom do everything alone? No, I definitely don’t know anything about that.”

He pointed at her, shaking. “Do not compare this to him.”

“How is it different?”

“I am still here!”

“For now!”

That statement landed with the subtlety of an atomic bomb.

“For now?” he repeated. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?!”

“You know what it means,” she said, tears streaming but voice vicious. “The second this got real, you were looking for a way out.”

“I’m trying to prevent a disaster!”

“You’re trying to erase responsibility!”

“I didn’t ask for this!”

He realized too late that he should’ve kept that to himself. The words were already out there, doing more damage than he could have imagined. Her face went white-hot.

“You didn’t ask for this?” she repeated slowly. “The fuck you mean you didn’t ask for this?!”

“You think I did this alone?” she demanded. “You think I got pregnant by myself?”

“That’s not what I—”

“You were there, Marcus. Every single time.”

He slammed his hand against the wall. “I know that!”

“Then stop acting like I trapped you!”

“I didn’t say that!”

“You don’t have to!” she screamed. “It’s all over your face!”

He stared at her, something ugly rising in him. “If you keep this baby—”

She froze.

“If I keep it?”

He swallowed, but he didn’t back down.

“If you keep this baby without thinking this through… don’t expect me to just pretend that I wasn’t against it.”

The room went silent.

“Are you threatening me, Marcus?” she asked quietly.

“I’m telling you I don’t know if I can do this. If we should do this.”

“There it is,” she said, voice hollow. “You’re leaving.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“You just did.”

He ran his hands through his locs, pacing like a trapped animal. “I am not my father.”

“Then prove it. Because from where I’m standing, you sure as hell look like him.”

“I’m trying!”

“No,” she said, tears cutting down her face. “You’re doing exactly what he did. Panicking. Looking for escape routes. Making it about how unfair it is to you.”

“Because it is unfair!” he exploded. “Everything was finally starting to feel stable!”

Her eyes went cold.

“So that’s it,” she said. “I’m chaos.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“But it is.”

He felt something in his chest crack. “I am terrified I’m going to become him,” he admitted, voice raw. “That I’ll wake up one day and resent you. Or the kid. That I’ll look at our life and feel trapped.”

“And you think I’m not terrified?” she shot back. “You think I don’t know what it costs to do this, especially if I have to do it alone?”

The words echoed. Alone. They both heard it. He looked at her stomach. Then at her face.

“You’re really going to do this,” he said quietly.

“Yes.”

“Even if I’m not ready?”

“Yes.”

There was a long, awful pause.

“And if I can’t?” he asked.

Her voice broke, but she didn’t look away.

“Then you’ll just be another ain’t shit ass nigga who left.”

That did it. He grabbed his jacket off the chair.

“Where are you going?” she demanded.

“I need air.”

“Of course you do.”

“Don’t do that.”

“Don’t do what? Call it what it is?”

He stopped at the door, hand on the knob.

“I’m not him,” he said again, but it sounded weaker now.

She stood in the middle of the living room, one hand protectively over her stomach, the other shaking at her side.

“Then stop proving me right.”

He hesitated. For half a second, it looked like he might come back. Like he might choose to not follow his father’s footsteps and stay. Instead, he opened the door and stepped out into the night, letting it slam behind him.

The apartment felt enormous without him in it. Lena stood there, alone, breathing hard, the echo of the door still ringing in her ears. In the bathroom, the light still hummed. On the sink, three other tests lay in a neat row. Positive. Damning.And suddenly, so was the silence.

Mother Knows Best

She heard her mom yelling at her to get up for school.

“Emily Jane Carter! You’re going to be late again!” Emily groaned and burrowed deeper under the covers, pressing her pillow over her ears.

“I’m awake!” she shouted, her voice muffled.

“You’ve been ‘awake’ for fifteen minutes!” her mom hollered from downstairs. “Your bus leaves in ten!”Emily peeked out from the blanket cave, her eyes squinting at the clock. 7:43.

“Ugh,” she muttered, rolling onto her back. “Stupid morning. Stupid bus.”

With the grace of a sleepy walrus, she finally tumbled out of bed and stumbled toward her dresser. Her dark curls stuck out in all directions, and she only bothered brushing them back with her fingers. She threw on a hoodie, jeans, and mismatched socks—close enough.

Downstairs, her older brother Daniel sat at the table, smugly munching on the last granola bar like it was made of gold.

“You’re late,” he said through a mouthful of oats.

“Thanks, Captain Obvious,” Emily muttered.

Her mom was standing by the door, already dressed for work in a crisp navy blazer and heels. She held Emily’s backpack in one hand and her car keys in the other.

“You missed the bus,” she said simply.

Emily winced. “I can walk.” Her mom frowned. “Em, it’s cloudy. They said rain this morning, and you know the trail through the park gets muddy. Please take the long way—along the main road. And take an umbrella!” Emily snatched her backpack. “I’ll be fine. It’s barely misting!”

“I’m serious,” her mom said, stepping in front of her. “No park trail today. And at least wear your raincoat.” Emily sighed loudly, already halfway out the door. “I’m not a little kid, Mom. I’ve walked to school a million times.” Her mom’s voice followed her as the door closed behind her. “That doesn’t mean you stop listening!”

The sky outside was smeared with thick gray clouds, but Emily ignored it. She tucked her hands into her hoodie pocket and made a beeline for the park trail—the one her mom specifically told her not to take. The long way added fifteen boring minutes. The trail cut that in half and went through a quiet patch of woods, down a sloping hill, over a creek, and out into the neighborhood behind the school. Besides, the puddles were kind of fun to splash through. At first.

By the time she was halfway in, the clouds cracked open and dumped cold rain straight onto her. The path turned to slush. Her sneakers started making embarrassing squish squish sounds. But Emily kept going, muttering to herself.

“Should’ve just listened, Emily. Nope. Too stubborn. And now—” Her foot hit a slick patch of mud.

“Whoa—!” SPLAT.

She landed sideways, her entire left leg sinking into the brown goop. Her backpack flew off her shoulder and rolled toward the edge of the creek. Her phone tumbled from her hoodie pocket and hit the water with a tragic plunk.

“No no no no NO!” she cried, scrambling forward on her knees. The creek was shallow but moving fast from the rain. Emily snatched her phone out, but it was soaked and completely black. She tried holding down the power button. Nothing. For a few seconds, she just sat there, dripping and defeated. Then she did the only thing that made sense—she walked home, crying.

The door creaked open and she stepped inside, shivering. Her mom looked up from her laptop at the kitchen table, eyebrows shooting up. “Emily? Why aren’t you at school? What happened—oh my gosh, are you hurt?!”

Emily’s lip wobbled. “I—I took the trail,” she whispered. Her mom stood quickly and grabbed a towel. She knelt down and wrapped it around Emily’s shoulders.

“I fell,” Emily said, tears spilling out now. “And the creek got my phone, and I didn’t listen, and—”

“Okay, deep breath,” her mom said gently, guiding her to sit down. “Let’s get you cleaned up first, then you can tell me everything.”

Once Emily had changed into dry clothes and was sitting on the couch with a cup of cocoa, she finally explained the whole thing—how she ignored the warnings, how the shortcut betrayed her, and how sorry she was. Her mom listened without interrupting.

When Emily finished, there was a long pause. Her mom took a slow sip of her coffee, then looked over at her daughter. “You know, I’m not even mad,” she said softly. Emily blinked. “You’re not?”

“No. I’m worried. You could’ve really hurt yourself.”

“I know,” Emily whispered, voice small.

“I get that you want independence. But part of growing up is knowing when to trust people who’ve lived a little longer than you. I wasn’t just being annoying this morning—I was trying to keep you safe.” Emily looked down at her cocoa. “I didn’t mean to mess everything up.”

“You didn’t mess everything up,” her mom said, smiling gently. “You just learned a messy lesson.” She reached for Emily’s phone and set it on the table. “We’ll try the rice trick, but no promises. Meanwhile, I’ll email your teacher. And you’re grounded from shortcuts for the week.” Emily managed a small, sheepish grin. “Fair.” Her mom leaned over and kissed the top of her head. “Next time, Em… just listen, okay?” Emily nodded. “I will.” And this time, she meant it.

Love, Marriage & Everything In Between… (Just My Thoughts & Feelings)

Good morning world! I hope this blog finds you in good health and even better spirits. I know its been a while since I actually wrote to you guys, but I haven’t had much to say. Today, we’re gonna talk about probably one of my favorite and least favorite subjects, love. I know what you’re thinking, “How can it be a favorite and least favorite at the same damn time?” That’s simple, keep reading and you’ll find out.

Anybody that truly knows me knows I’m true romantic at heart. I’m the guy that watches romantic comedies. Not because I’m being forced to by my girlfriend/wife, but because I like to see people in love. That and Hollywood’s warped perception of the dynamics of romantic relationships is the funniest thing ever. But that’s a topic for another day, maybe.

As I sit here on this December morning at the ripe “old” age of 32, I find myself recounting my romantic history. I can count on a single hand the number of SERIOUS relationships I’ve had in my life. Of course, like any reasonably attractive male in America, I’ve had my fair share of casual relationships. And I’ve had more than my fair share of bullshit interactions with women to fill in the time in between something with a little more substance. But as I sit here and think of those handful of true romances, I realize that I’ve only been in love once in my life. That’s not to say that I didn’t have very strong feelings for all of the women that were more than just bit players in the grand production that is my life. Hell, I can say with a certain amount of certainty that I loved (and in some cases might still love) every woman that has played a significant role in my own personal Rom-Com. But, so far, there has only been one woman that I can truly say I was IN love with.

I think a lot of people don’t know the difference between LOVING someone and being IN LOVE with someone. That could be one of the reasons why the divorce rate in this country is so damn high. Who knows. I wish I could put into words what it means to be in love, but the experience is different for each person. So, I’ll try my best to describe what being in love was like for me. Hopefully, it’ll help. First off, all the cliches that you hear were true for me. I found myself thinking about her first thing in the morning and as I laid my head down each night. I was ready, willing and able to do anything that would bring a smile to her face. I placed her above myself in the hierarchy of my life, almost to my detriment at times. I loved her daughter as if she was my own. I lost track of “me” and focused solely on “us.” I know you’re probably thinking none of these things sound especially monumental, but they are to me. I’m probably one of the most self-centered people you will ever meet, but that’s because I only have myself to worry about. So for me to put someone else’s wants and needs ahead of my own is enormously significant.

For as grateful as I am to be able to say that I was in love with someone at some point in my life (because everybody is not that fortunate), I think it came a little too early in my life. I was in my mid-20’s and still smelling myself. While a part of me was ready to settle down the other half wanted to be on some Wilt Chamberlain type shit. Talk about a conflict of interest. I’m not sure if this internal strife led to the destruction of my relationship with this young lady, but I know it has kept me from truly committing to anyone since then. That’s not to say that I haven’t had offers, but I knew that I still needed to work on me a little bit more. Its hard to wholly give yourself to one person when you’re still trying to smash every PYT that walks past you. I’d rather be alone than be a cheater, I do have some kind of moral fiber.

So here I am, awaiting the chance to take on the next great adventure that my life has to offer me, married life and parenthood. And while I can have the former without the latter, I’m not one for reversing that. Did I lose some of you? Let me say it differently then. I’m at point in my life (and probably have been for the better part of 2-3 years) where I’m ready to be a husband and father. Its one thing I’ve never tried my hand at and I’m anxious and excited to do. And while I would be able to live with being a husband only (even though its not my preference), I can’t say thing about only being a father. No disrespect to any of you that had children out of wedlock, but that’s just not who I am. I was raised to believe that the title of husband was mandatory to become a father. I know that’s biologically correct (I’m not an idiot), but you know what I mean. Like I said before, I do have some kind of moral fiber. Once again, no disrespect to those of you that took a different path to parenthood.

I was raised to think that being a husband was the second greatest position a man could ever hold, second only to being a father. That’s why I have the hardest time understanding men that shy away from stepping up to the plate, especially when it comes to their children. I understand shit happens, relationships fall apart, condoms break, accidents happen. But if your actions resulted in the creation of a life (the only miracle that humans can pull off), be adult enough to shoulder the responsibility. Scratch that. Saying it like that makes it sound like a burden. While the financial, emotional and physical strain of having kids in today’s society might be daunting, no kid should ever be viewed as albatross that you’re forced to bear. Having kids is a privilege. A privilege that some people take for granted. If you don’t believe me, just ask someone that’s trying to have kids with no success.

I dream of the day that I have a son (even though I know I’m going to have a daughter. Karma is an evil bitch). I daydream about playing catch, teaching him to tie a tie, etc. I know it sounds like a bunch of sappy shit and some of you might not believe me, but these are thoughts that run rampant in my head. I pray on daily basis for the opportunity to be a husband and father. I just don’t get how everybody doesn’t feel like that. Okay, I can understand not wanting to be married, its not for everybody. I get that. But what kind of monster doesn’t want to be a parent? Especially if you already have children? Seriously, if you can’t get excited about being in your child’s life and seeing them become the person that God intends for them to be, you should kill yourself. Twice. Maybe three times just to be certain that you did it right.

My dreams of fatherhood doesn’t end with just me and my child. I have large scale dreams of grand and opulent wedding that all my family members and closest friends attend. My hours of REM sleep are spent envisioning a life that I want. Tasks and duties that would seem small and mundane to those that are already married or have no soul are the things I pine for. Like I said, I’m a romantic. While most people pray for a million dollars, I pray to meet the woman I’m going to spend my life with. I wish for a million dollars too, but I want the woman more.

I think that’s all I have for today. Actually its not, but where my train of thought is heading now would better be served as a separate entry. So maybe we’ll make that happen tomorrow, but I’m not making any promises. So until the next time we meet, peace and love…