The Journal

As she packed his things, a journal fell open on the floor. Curious, she turned to the first page. The spine cracked softly as she lifted it, as though it hadn’t been opened in years. Dust floated in the late afternoon light, settling over cardboard boxes labeled in her careful handwriting: Kitchen, Clothes, Important Papers. She brushed her thumb over the first page, tracing the deliberate strokes of his pen.

Her father had always written like he spoke—measured, controlled, never wasting a word. But here, on this page, something felt… different. She began to read.

June 12, 1963 — Birmingham, Alabama

Mama says I’m too young to understand what’s going on, but I understand more than she thinks.

We walked farther than we ever have today. My feet hurt halfway through, but I didn’t say anything. Everybody else kept going, so I did too. Mr. Henry let me hold onto his coat again so I wouldn’t get lost in the crowd. There were so many people—more than I’ve ever seen in one place—moving together like one big body.

They were singing. Not just humming, but singing from somewhere deep. I didn’t know all the words, but I tried to follow along.

Then the police showed up. The singing didn’t stop, but it changed. Got louder. Stronger. Like people were daring the fear to come closer.

I saw dogs today. Big ones. Growling. Pulled tight on leashes like they wanted to tear through us.

Mama pulled me behind her when things started getting loud. I could feel her shaking, even though she kept her head up.

I think bravery looks like that. Not being unafraid… but not running. I don’t think I’ll ever forget it.

She swallowed hard, her fingers tightening slightly on the page. She’d read about these things in textbooks—photos, summaries, dates neatly printed in bold—but this… this was something else entirely. This was a boy watching it happen. Her father. She turned the page slowly.

March 7, 1965 — Selma, Alabama

I saw something today I wish I could unsee.

We weren’t supposed to go all the way across the bridge, but people said it was important. Said history was happening. I didn’t know what that meant, just that everyone seemed to believe it.

When we got there, the state troopers were already waiting.

It happened fast. Shouting. Then running. Then screaming.

A man next to me—older, maybe someone’s father—got hit so hard he dropped straight to the ground. I can still hear the sound it made. Like something breaking that shouldn’t.

I froze. I hate that I froze.

Mama dragged me back before things got worse, but I keep thinking… what if she hadn’t been there?

What kind of man stands still while someone else gets hurt?

I don’t like the answer. And I don’t like how angry I feel now. It sits in my chest like it’s waiting for something.

She exhaled slowly, pressing her lips together. Angry. He’d used that word before. Now she could see where it started. She hated that he had to endure that.

October 2, 1968 — Montgomery, Alabama

The letter came today. Official. Stamped. No room for misunderstanding. I’ve been drafted.

Mama cried before I even finished reading it. I told her it would be alright, that I’d come back, that it wasn’t as bad as people say. I don’t know why I said that. None of it felt true.

I folded the letter and put it back in the envelope like that might undo it somehow. It didn’t.

I keep thinking about all the things I haven’t done yet. All the places I haven’t seen. All the ways my life hasn’t even started.

And now it feels like it’s already over. I’m not afraid to say it here. I’m scared.

Her grip on the journal tightened. He’d never let himself sound like this. Not in front of her. Not ever. Maybe the reason why laid within these pages. She decided to keep reading to find out.

May 14, 1970 — Somewhere near Da Nang, Vietnam

There are sounds that follow you. Not the ones people think. Not the gunfire. Not the explosions. Those fade, eventually.

It’s the quiet after that stays. The kind of quiet where you realize who isn’t there anymore.

We lost three men today. I knew their faces. Their voices. One of them owed me five dollars.

Now all that’s left is their gear and the empty space where they should be.

I don’t write their names down because I don’t want to remember them like this. I already remember enough.

Sometimes I think parts of me are getting left behind here, piece by piece. I don’t know what’s going to be left when I go home.

A tear slipped down her cheek before she realized she was crying. She wiped it away quickly, but more followed. She tried her best to stifle them, but her efforts were in vain. She contemplated stopping, at least for now, but chose to continue.

January 3, 1971 — Back Home

Everyone keeps saying “welcome back” like I went on a trip. Like I didn’t leave something behind I can’t get back.

Mama hugged me so tight I thought she’d break. I hugged her back, but it felt… distant. Like I was watching it happen instead of being in it.

I tried to sleep in my own bed last night. Didn’t work.

Every time I closed my eyes, I was right back there.

So I stayed up instead. Sat in the dark and listened to the house breathe.

I don’t think I belong here anymore. But I don’t belong there either.

I don’t know where that leaves me.

She closed her eyes briefly, pressing the heel of her hand against her forehead. All those quiet nights. All those times she thought he was just… distant. He wasn’t distant. He was somewhere else entirely.

August 19, 1973 — Atlanta, Georgia

I told myself I needed the money. That’s how it starts. That’s how it always starts, right?

But if I’m being honest, it’s not just that. It’s the feeling. The edge. The way everything sharpens when you’re doing something you’re not supposed to.

For a few minutes, I don’t feel lost. I don’t feel broken. I feel… in control.

I know where this road leads. I just don’t seem to care enough to turn around.

Her stomach twisted. He had always been the model of self control and stability. She couldn’t imagine a time where he didn’t at least appear to be fully in charge of the situation. She almost stopped reading. But she didn’t. Her curiosity wouldn’t allow her to not finish.

February 11, 1975 — Fulton County Courthouse

Five years. That’s what the judge said.

He didn’t look at me when he said it. Maybe that made it easier.

Mama was there. Sitting in the back. Hands folded tight in her lap like she was holding herself together by force.

I wanted to tell her I was sorry. But the words didn’t come. They never do when they matter most.

So I just stood there and let them take me away.

Five years to think. Five years to face everything I’ve been running from.

I don’t know if I’m strong enough for that.

She leaned back against the wall, staring at the ceiling again. Five years. Five years of a life she had never known existed. Five years that he never spoke about, that neither of her parents ever spoke about. She wondered why they kept it from her. Did they think it would change how she looked at him? But it also explained why he pushed her so hard to be a model citizen.

September 3, 1977 — State Penitentiary

There’s a man here named Elijah who keeps talking to me about God.

I told him he’s wasting his time. He just smiled like he knew something I didn’t.

He says grace isn’t about deserving. Says if it was, nobody would get it.

I don’t know if I believe that. But I keep listening anyway.

Started reading more. Not just the Bible—everything. History, literature, anything I can get my hands on.

Turns out I’m not as dumb as I thought. Just never had the patience to sit still long enough to learn.

Funny what you can find out about yourself when you have nothing but time on your hands.

A small, sad smile crossed her face. That sounded like him. She wondered if he was always that way or did prison change him. She softly shook her head, trying to dispel the image of her father being incarcerated.

April 28, 1979 — State Penitentiary

Got word today—I earned my bachelor’s degree. Never thought I’d see that sentence written down.

If you had told me ten years ago this is where I’d be, I would’ve laughed in your face.

Now it feels like the first real thing I’ve done right.

I’m starting to think maybe a life can be rebuilt. Brick by brick. Mistake by mistake.

She turned the page more gently now. As if the story was shifting. As if she’d ruin something if she rushed to read the next entry.

June 15, 1981 — Atlanta, Georgia

I met a woman today. Didn’t expect that to matter. But it did. It does.

She laughed at something I said—not a polite laugh, not forced. Real. Warm.

I almost forgot how that sounds.

We talked longer than I planned to stay. About everything and nothing.

I didn’t tell her where I’ve been. Didn’t tell her who I used to be.

I don’t know when—or if—I will.

But for the first time in a long time, I want to be someone worth knowing.

Her eyes blurred again. She could see her mother so clearly in those words. She remembered seeing pictures of them together before she was born. Her mind quickly imagined what they were like back then.

November 2, 1983 — Atlanta, Georgia

She told me today we’re having a baby. I felt the floor drop out from under me.

Not because I don’t want it. Because I’m afraid I’ll ruin it.

I’ve spent so much of my life breaking things—opportunities, trust, people.

What if I do the same here?

What if I become the man I’ve been trying so hard to leave behind?

But when she put my hand on her stomach, none of that mattered for a moment.

Just… possibility.

I don’t know how to be a father. But I know I want to try.

Her breath caught in her throat. For as long as she should remember, he had been the pillar of strength in her life. A shining example of what a man could be, should be. It was hard for her to envision a version of him that was full of self-doubt.

July 9, 1984 — 2:17 AM — Grady Memorial Hospital

She’s here. I held her in my arms, and everything else fell away.

Every bad decision. Every regret. Every piece of anger I’ve been carrying for years.

Gone. Or at least… quieter. She’s so small. So new.

And somehow, she feels like a second chance I don’t deserve but have been given anyway.

I made her a promise tonight. Not out loud. But I meant it all the same.

I will spend the rest of my life becoming the kind of man she can be proud of.

No matter how long it takes.

Tears fell freely now. She didn’t try to stop them.

May 21, 2005 — Atlanta, Georgia

She asked me today what I was like when I was younger. I told her, “Not much different.”

That wasn’t the truth. The truth is, I’ve lived more lives than I can count.

Some I’m proud of. Most I’m not.

I’ve seen things I wish I could forget and done things I wish I could undo.

But if she ever reads this… I hope she understands something.

Everything good I became—every bit of patience, every lesson, every quiet moment I chose to stay instead of run—

Started the day she was born. She didn’t just change my life. She saved it.

The room around her was still. Soft, quiet—but not empty. She closed the journal slowly, pressing it against her chest as if she could hold all of him there—every version, every mistake, every quiet act of becoming who she had known him to be.

“I understand,” she whispered. And for the first time in her life, she truly did.

The Estrangement

They locked eyes as she walked through the terminal, not recognizing her own father. He watched her walk away, the rhythm of her steps steady, purposeful—so much like her mother’s, it almost knocked the breath from his chest. For a moment, he forgot how to move.

She adjusted the strap of her bag, glanced at the departure board, and kept going. No hesitation. No second glance. Just a stranger passing another stranger in a place where everyone is leaving something behind.

But he knew her. He knew the slight tilt of her head when she read something carefully. He knew the way her fingers curled around the handle of her suitcase, firm but not tense. He knew the quiet strength in her posture—something she hadn’t inherited from him, but had built on her own. He exhaled slowly, his chest tightening.

“That’s her,” he murmured, though no one stood beside him to hear it.

He had imagined this moment a thousand different ways. In some versions, she recognized him instantly. Her face would shift—confusion first, then realization, then something softer. Curiosity, maybe. Or anger. He had rehearsed what he would say to each of those reactions. In other versions, she walked right past him, just like this. He had never prepared for how much that one would hurt.

Her name was Layla. He had whispered it into her tiny ear the day she was born, his voice trembling as he held her for the first time. She had been impossibly small, her fingers curling around his thumb like she was anchoring herself to the world.

“I’m here,” he had told her. At the time, he meant it.

The argument that ended everything hadn’t started as something big. It never does. It had been about money, about stress, about his job—or lack of stability in it. Her mother had always been stronger, more grounded. She wanted plans. He lived in possibilities. Somewhere in the middle of exhaustion and fear, words had sharpened.

“You’re not ready to be a father,” she had said. He should have fought that. He should have proven her wrong. Instead, something fragile inside him cracked.

“What if you’re right?” he had answered. That was the moment everything tilted.

Leaving hadn’t felt like a decision at the time. It felt like inevitability. He told himself it was temporary. That he’d come back when he had something to offer. When he wasn’t a liability. When he could stand in front of his daughter and be someone she could be proud of. But days turned into months, and months into years. And the longer he stayed away, the harder it became to return.

He kept track of her life in fragments. A photo someone posted online. A school award mentioned in passing by a mutual acquaintance. A glimpse from across a street when he happened to be in the same part of town.

Once, when she was about eight, he had seen her at a park. She was laughing—really laughing—chasing bubbles with a group of other kids. Her hair had come loose from its tie, wild and free around her face. He had almost called out to her. Almost. But then he saw her mother sitting on a bench nearby, watching her with a soft, steady gaze. The kind of presence he had never managed to be. So he stayed hidden.

“She’s happy without me,” he told himself. That became his excuse.

In truth, it wasn’t just fear of her mother. It was fear of her. Fear that she wouldn’t need him. Fear that she wouldn’t want him. Fear that if he stepped into her life, he would only make it worse. So he did what cowards often do—he dressed his fear up as sacrifice.

“She’s better off without me.” He repeated it so often it started to sound like truth.

Years passed. He worked. Failed. Tried again. There was no dramatic turning point—no single moment where everything changed. Just a slow, stubborn rebuilding of himself. He learned discipline. He learned consistency. He learned how to finish things instead of walking away from them.

Eventually, success found him. Or maybe he finally became someone success could find. By the time he was in a position of influence—real influence—it felt strange. Like he had stepped into someone else’s life. But there was one thing that never changed. Layla.

He followed her academic journey more closely as she got older. She was brilliant. Not just smart, but driven. Focused. The kind of student teachers remembered. The kind who didn’t just meet expectations—she redefined them. When he saw which university she had set her heart on, he felt that familiar ache return. It was ambitious. Competitive. The kind of place that changed lives. The kind of place he would have never been able to help her reach before. But now? Now he could.

He never contacted her. He never revealed himself. Instead, he made a call. Then another. Then a few more. He didn’t ask for favors—he created opportunities. Funding initiatives. Partnerships. Quiet influence that opened doors without leaving fingerprints. When her acceptance letter came, it didn’t mention him. It said she had been awarded a prestigious scholarship. Merit-based. Fully funded. He stared at the notification on his screen for a long time before closing his eyes.

“You did it,” he whispered. He didn’t say we. He hadn’t earned that. And now she was here. Walking through an airport, on her way to the life she had built for herself. A life he had only watched from a distance.

She paused near a café, checking her phone. For a brief second, he considered it. Just walking up to her. Just saying her name.

“Layla.”

What would happen? Would she look at him the way she had just moments ago—like a stranger? Or would something deeper recognize him? Did blood remember, even when the mind didn’t? His hands trembled slightly. He realized then that success hadn’t erased his fear. It had just given him better places to hide it.

She picked up her coffee and turned away again. Another step. Another moment slipping past. Another chance disappearing. He took a step forward. Then stopped. Because the truth finally settled, heavy and undeniable: This wasn’t about whether she was better off without him. It was about whether he was brave enough to accept whatever place—if any—she would give him now.

“Excuse me,” he said, his voice catching slightly. She didn’t hear him. Or maybe she did, and just assumed it wasn’t meant for her. He swallowed hard and tried again.

“Layla.”

This time, she stopped. Slowly, she turned. And for the first time in her life, she really looked at him. Not as a stranger passing by. But as something else. Something unfamiliar… yet oddly close.

He said her name like it meant something. Not the way strangers do—careful, uncertain, like they’re double-checking. No, this was different. Softer. Like he had said it before. Like it belonged to him in some distant, forgotten way. She turned slowly.

The man standing a few feet away didn’t look familiar. Late fifties , maybe early sixties. Well-dressed, but not in a showy way. His posture was stiff, like he wasn’t sure what to do with his own body. But it was his eyes that held her. They weren’t just looking at her. They were searching.

“Do I… know you?” she asked.

Even as the words left her mouth, something tugged at her chest—an unplaceable discomfort, like walking into a room and forgetting why you were there. He had imagined this moment for years. And still, he wasn’t ready.

“No,” he said too quickly, then faltered. “I mean… not exactly.” Not exactly? What kind of answer was that? He almost laughed at himself. Years of silence, and this was how he chose to begin.

“I’m sorry,” he added, forcing himself to steady his voice. “I didn’t mean to startle you.”

But he didn’t move away. Because if he did, he knew he wouldn’t come back.

I should leave, she thought. That was the normal response. A strange man. A strange interaction. A flight to catch. But something unspoken held her in place.

“You said my name,” she said, narrowing her eyes slightly. Not accusatory—just trying to understand. “That’s not exactly a coincidence.”

A flicker crossed his face. Guilt? No… not just guilt. Regret. Deep enough that she felt it, even from a distance.

“She deserves the truth,” he said to himself. He had always known that. What he hadn’t known was whether he had the right to give it to her.

“I…” His throat tightened. “I’ve known of you. For a long time.” That sounded wrong the second it came out. Too distant. Too impersonal. As if she were an article he had read, not a life he had abandoned.

Her grip on her coffee tightened.

“Known of me?” she repeated. Now she was wary.

“Are you… connected to my mom or something?” That had to be it. It was the only logical explanation her mind could reach for in the moment. But even as she said it, she studied his face more closely. And for the first time, something strange happened. She noticed the resemblance. Not obvious. Not enough to name. But enough to unsettle her.

Her question landed exactly where he knew it would. Her mother. Of course.

“That’s… one way to put it,” he said carefully. Coward. The word echoed in his mind, louder now than ever. He could build companies. Influence systems. Change outcomes. But this? This was the one place he still felt small.

Her heart started beating faster, though she didn’t know why.

“Okay,” she said slowly. “Then just say it. How do you know her?” Her voice was steady—but underneath it, something was shifting. Something she didn’t have language for yet.

He had imagined telling her in a dozen different ways. None of them felt right now. So he let the truth come out without decoration.

“I was there,” he said quietly. “When you were born.”

The world didn’t stop. People kept walking. Announcements echoed overhead. A suitcase rolled past her foot. But something inside her did. Stopped. Shifted. Rearranged. She stared at him.

“No,” she said immediately. Not because she was certain. But because the alternative was too big. Too sudden. Too much. He nodded, accepting her reaction.

“You don’t have to believe me,” he said. “I wouldn’t, either.” He paused. His voice hitched in his throat. Then, he continued in a softer tone.

“I left. Not long after.” There it was. No excuses. No justification. Just the truth.

Her chest felt tight. Her entire life, her father had been an absence. Not a mystery—just… a blank space. Something her mother didn’t talk about, and she eventually stopped asking. And now that blank space had a face. A voice. Eyes that looked at her like she mattered.

“Why?” she asked. One word, but it carried the weight of years inside it.

He thought about lying. Maybe that would make it easier. Say something clean. Simple. Less ugly. But if he was going to step into her life—even a fraction—he owed her honesty.

“Because I was afraid,” he said. The words felt small compared to the damage they represented.

“I convinced myself that I would only make things harder for you. That if I stayed away… you’d have a better life.” He shook his head slightly.

“I told myself that so many times it started to feel true.”

She wanted to be angry. She knew she had every right to be. Not just at him, but in some small way, at her mother. But what she felt instead was… complicated.

“You don’t get to decide that,” she said, her voice quieter now. Not yelling. Not breaking. Just… firm.

“You don’t get to just disappear and then show up and explain it like it makes sense.”

“I know,” he said immediately. Because he did. Every word she said landed exactly where it should.

“I’m not here to fix anything,” he added. “Or to ask for anything.” Another pause.

“I just… didn’t want to let you walk away again without at least knowing.”

Again. That word lingered. She looked at him—really looked this time. At the tension in his shoulders. At the way he held himself like he was ready to be dismissed. Like he expected it. And maybe deserved it. Her phone buzzed in her hand. The first boarding call for her flight rang out from overhead. Reality pulled her back.

“I have a flight,” she said. It sounded more distant than she intended.

“Of course,” he said. This was it, he thought. This was where she left. Just like he had, all those years ago. The ironic symmetry of the moment wasn’t lost on him.

But she hesitated, just for a second. Then reached into her bag and pulled out a pen.

“Do you have something to write on?” The question surprised both of them.

He fumbled slightly, pulling a small notebook from his jacket. She took it, scribbled something quickly, then handed it back. A phone number.

“I don’t know what this is yet,” she said honestly. Not forgiveness. Not acceptance. Not even understanding.

“But… it’s not nothing.”

His throat tightened.

“Not nothing,” he repeated softly. For the first time in years, it felt like more than he deserved. She turned and walked toward her gate. This time, when he watched her go—it didn’t feel like the end.

By the time the plane landed, she had convinced herself it wasn’t real. Jet lag helped. So did the chaos of arrival—rideshares, luggage, unfamiliar streets. The rhythm of a new place gave her something to hold onto, something concrete. Not the echo of a stranger’s voice saying her name like it belonged to him. I was there when you were born. She hadn’t said the word. Father. She refused to.

Her hotel room was small but bright, sunlight stretching across the floor like an invitation. Everything was still untouched, waiting. So she unpacked. Hung up clothes. Sorted through her notes for her morning. Anything to delay what she knew she was about to do.

Eventually, she sat on the bed, pulled out her laptop, and opened a browser. Her fingers hovered over the keys. Then she typed her mother’s name. Nothing new there. Then she added something else. A guess. A possibility. A last name she had never carried, never claimed, never needed. The search results loaded. And just like that—he existed.

That night, he had almost called her at least three different times. Each time, he stared at the number she had written in his notebook, thumb hovering just above the screen. And each time, he stopped. Because he didn’t know what to say. Because he had already taken enough from her—he wasn’t going to take her space, too. So instead, he waited. Which, he realized, had always been his pattern. Wait long enough, and life moves on without you.

The man on her screen was not the man from the airport. Not exactly. This version was polished. Composed. Standing in front of podiums, shaking hands, captured mid-speech with the kind of confidence that comes from being listened to. His name appeared in headlines. Interviews. Articles about business, philanthropy, influence. She clicked one. Then another. Then another. Each piece added a layer. Successful entrepreneur. Investor. Board member. Donor. Her eyes paused there. Something about that word felt… important. She leaned back slowly, heart beginning to race.

“You’ve known of me,” he had said. For a long time.

Her thoughts drifted to her college acceptance letter, still pinned neatly to the wall in her bedroom at her mother’s house. The scholarship. Prestigious. Competitive. Fully funded. She had cried when she got it. Her mother had cried too. Proud. Relieved. Now, for the first time—a crack. Her mind went into overdrive, thinking of a million different possible scenarios.

“No,” she whispered to herself. But the thought was already there. And it wasn’t leaving.

Weeks passed before her name lit up his phone. He didn’t answer right away. Not because he didn’t want to, but because his hands were suddenly unsteady. He let it ring once more, then he picked up.

“…Hello?”

She almost hung up. Hearing his voice again made everything real in a way researching him online never could.

“Hi,” she said. A pause. “It’s… Layla.”

“I know,” he said softly. He hadn’t meant to say it like that. Too familiar. Too certain.

“I mean—I recognize the number,” he corrected quickly. Silence stretched between them. Not empty. Just… careful.

“I looked you up,” she said. No point pretending otherwise.

“I didn’t know you were…” she trailed off, searching for the right word.

“Successful?” he offered. There was no pride in it. Just fact.

“I worked hard,” he said. “Eventually.” Another pause. “I should’ve done that sooner.”

That landed. She didn’t respond right away. Instead—

“I got a call today,” she said. Now his attention sharpened. “From the university’s alumni association.”

His chest tightened. Of all the ways this could unfold, he hadn’t expected it like this.

“They said they were updating donor records,” she continued. “Making sure recipients were aware of the people who supported their education.” Her grip tightened around her phone.

“They mentioned your name.” Silence weighed on both of them like a wet blanket.

“I didn’t want you to feel like you owed me anything,” he said quietly. It wasn’t a defense. Just the truth as he had understood it.

“I wanted it to be yours.”

“It was mine,” she said, sharper than before. Then, after a breath—

“But it wasn’t just mine.” That was the part that unsettled her. Not that he helped. But that he did it without her knowing. Without her choosing.

Her mother didn’t deny it. Not immediately. Which told her everything.

“You knew,” Layla said, standing in the kitchen, arms crossed tightly. Her mother sighed, setting down the dish she had been holding.

“I suspected,” she admitted.

“That’s not the same as knowing.”

“No,” Layla said. “It’s worse.”

“He doesn’t get to just… be part of my life without being part of my life,” she said, her voice cracking slightly now. Her mother’s expression softened.

“He wasn’t part of your life,” she said gently. “That was my job. And I did it.”

“I know,” Layla said quickly. Because she did. That wasn’t the issue.

“That’s not what this is about.” Her mother studied her for a long moment, then asked, “Are you going to see him?”

Layla hesitated for a moment then nodded.

They chose a quiet place. Neutral. No history. No expectations. As to be expected, he arrived early. Sat down. Stood up. Sat again. Checked his watch even though he had been tracking every second already. When she finally walked in, he knew immediately. Not because he had memorized her face. But because his body reacted before his mind could catch up.

To her, he looked different outside the airport. Less guarded. Or maybe just more real. She sat across from him. No hug. No pretense. Just truth waiting to be spoken.

“I don’t know how to do this,” she said.

“Neither do I,” he admitted. And for once, that felt like the right answer. She took a breath. Then decided if they were going to do this, they were going to do it honestly.

“You missed everything,” she said. Not accusing. Just stating it.

“My first day of school. Birthdays. Every time I got sick and wanted someone to sit next to me. Every achievement. Every failure.” Her voice steadied as she continued.

“I used to watch other kids with their dads and wonder what that felt like. Not having to question if someone was going to show up.” She met his eyes.

“I stopped wondering after a while.”

Each word landed exactly where it should. No exaggeration. No cruelty. Just truth. And somehow, that made it heavier.

“I’m sorry,” he said. It sounded insufficient the moment it left his mouth. Because it was.

“I’m not here for an apology,” she said. And she meant it.

“If this is going to be something—anything—it has to be real. Not you trying to make up for the past.” There was a pause that seemed to stretch out for eons.

“Because you can’t.”

“I know,” he said. Then, after a moment—

“But I’m here now.” He didn’t say it like a promise. More like a question. She studied him. This man who had been absent her entire life. This man who had quietly shaped parts of it anyway. This man who was now sitting in front of her, not hiding, not running. Just… there. Or at least, trying to be.

“I’m not ready to call you that,” she said. She didn’t need to explain what that meant.

“You don’t have to,” he said immediately. He was willing to take whatever she gave him. Even if it was just this.

“But,” she added slowly, “I’m not walking away either.”

Silence settled between them again. But this time, it wasn’t heavy. It wasn’t fragile. It was… open. This was a beginning. Not clean. Not easy. But real.

At their second meeting, they didn’t hug. Not at first. This time, they met at a small coffee shop tucked between a bookstore and a laundromat—quiet, unassuming, the kind of place where no one paid attention to anyone else’s conversations. Neutral ground again, but something had shifted.

She arrived first this time. Chose a table near the window. Ordered something she didn’t really want. Watched the door more than she watched the street. When he walked in, she noticed it immediately. He was less tense. Still careful. But not bracing for impact the way he had been before. He spotted her, and for a brief second, something like relief crossed his face. That did something to her. Something small. But real.

“She came back.” The thought settled quietly in his chest as he approached. Not obligation. Not confrontation. Choice. He sat down across from her, a little more naturally this time.

“Hey,” he said, simply.

“Hey.” It felt strange how normal that sounded. Like this could be something ordinary, if not for everything underneath it. They sat in silence for a moment. But it wasn’t the same silence as before. This one didn’t demand to be filled.

“So,” she said, stirring her drink absently, “what were you like back then?” He blinked.

“Back when?”

“When I was born.” She paused for a beat. “I only have one version of that story.”

“I was inconsistent,” he said. “Ambitious, but unfocused. I had ideas, plans but no discipline to follow through.” He exhaled slowly. Not defensive. Not ashamed. Just… honest. He glanced at her.

“I thought wanting to be better was the same as actually being better.” She nodded slightly. That rationale tracked.

“I think I know that version of you,” she said. Not from memory but from absence.

They talked for over an hour. About small things. Safe things. Current events. Both of their work—not in detail, just enough to understand the shape of it. What surprised her most wasn’t what he said. It was what he didn’t. He didn’t try to impress her. Didn’t lean on his success like it earned him something. He just… showed up as himself.

When they stood to leave, there was a brief hesitation.A moment where both of them weren’t sure what came next. Then, she stepped forward first.A quick hug. Light. Careful. But intentional.

He didn’t move at first. Not because he didn’t want to but because he didn’t want to assume. Then his arms came up slowly, returning it. It lasted maybe two seconds. But it stayed with him long after she pulled away.

Their third meeting wasn’t planned as carefully. No neutral territory. No structured conversation. Just a quick question.

“Do you want to come by?” She hadn’t expected herself to ask. But it came out naturally during one of their calls. And once it was out there, she didn’t take it back.

Her apartment was meticulously decorated but looked lived-in. Books neatly stacked where they looked like they belonged. A throw blanket draped over the couch like it had been dropped there mid-thought, but somehow, it looked intentionally placed there. Eclectic art pieces that seemed to perfectly complement each other.

When she opened the door, he stood there holding nothing. No gift. No gesture. Just himself. She appreciated that.

He took everything in quietly. Not judging. Just observing. This was her world. Every detail felt significant.

“You’ve made this place yours,” he said. She shrugged slightly.

“Took a while.” She paused. Then—

“My boyfriend’s home.”

The introduction was casual.

“Hey, this is—” She stopped. There it was. The moment. The label. He saw the hesitation. Felt it. And didn’t fill it. Didn’t step in. Didn’t claim anything.

“This is… someone important to me,” she finished. It wasn’t perfect. But it was honest. The boyfriend smiled, easy and unbothered.

“Nice to meet you.” No questions. No pressure. Just acceptance of whatever this was.

They spent the evening talking. Not just to each other but around each other. Stories overlapping. Laughter interrupting itself. Moments where she forgot to be careful. And in those moments, something real started to form.

Later, when it was just the two of them again, he found himself relaxing in a way he hadn’t expected. Not performing. Not compensating. Just… existing in her space.

“You’ve built a good life,” he said. She looked at him.

“Yeah,” she said. Then, after a beat—“I had help.”

He didn’t respond right away. Because they both knew what she meant. And what she didn’t.

It didn’t stop there. Gradually, carefully, they began to step into each other’s lives. He invited her to a small gathering. Not a gala. Not something overwhelming. Just a dinner with a few close colleagues—people who knew him, respected him, but didn’t define him. When he introduced her, there was no hesitation.

“This is Layla.” No explanation. No justification. But something in his tone made people understand, she mattered.

Later, she brought him home. Not to her apartment. To her mother’s house.

“This is… going to be complicated,” she said before they went in.

“It should be,” he replied. Anything less wouldn’t have been honest.

The conversation inside wasn’t easy. It wasn’t supposed to be. But it wasn’t explosive either. Time had softened some edges. Not all, but enough to allow something resembling civility. And maybe even closure. Or the beginning of it.

A few weeks later, they met again. Back where it started. The airport. Different day. Different reason. Same kind of in-between space. She had been thinking about it for weeks. Not obsessively, just… steadily. Every conversation. Every moment. Every silence. What he had been. What he wasn’t. What he could be. He stood beside her this time, not across from her. Watching planes take off. Neither of them speaking at first.

“I used to think it didn’t matter,” she said finally. He glanced at her.

“What didn’t?”

“Having a father.” The word landed between them. Neither of them avoided it this time. He didn’t interrupt. Didn’t rush to respond. This wasn’t his moment.

“I told myself I didn’t need it. That I was fine without it.” She exhaled.

“And I was. I am.” She turned to face him.

“But that doesn’t mean it wouldn’t have mattered.” A pause.

“I just didn’t get to choose it back then.”

His chest tightened. Because he knew what was coming mattered more than anything she had said so far.

“But I get to choose now.” Silence, then—

“I’m not giving you the past,” she said. “You don’t get that.” Another breath.

“But… I think I want you in my future.” He didn’t move. Didn’t speak. Afraid that if he did, it might break. She stepped closer. Not hesitant this time. Not unsure. Deliberate.

“And I’m ready to call you my father.”

It wasn’t dramatic. No tears. No grand gesture. Just truth, spoken at the right time. He closed his eyes for a brief second. Not to hold back emotion, but to fully feel it. When he opened them again, he nodded. Not because words weren’t enough. But because they didn’t need them. She leaned into him. And this time, the hug wasn’t careful. It wasn’t brief. It wasn’t uncertain. It was theirs.

Lost Ones

The bathroom light was still on. It hummed faintly behind the closed door, a thin strip of yellow spilling across the hallway carpet. Four plastic tests lay on the sink counter, lined up like tiny white verdicts. All of them said the same thing. Positive.

Lena stared at them until the word blurred. Her hands were trembling—not with fear, not exactly. It felt more like standing on the edge of something enormous and bright. Something terrifying and miraculous all at once. She pressed a palm to her stomach.

“Oh my God,” she whispered, and then she laughed—a small, disbelieving sound. “Oh my God.”

In the living room, Marcus was stretched across their secondhand couch, laptop balanced on his knees, a spreadsheet open. He was muttering under his breath about rent and hours and how his manager had cut his shifts again.

“Babe?” he called. “You okay in there?”

The bathroom door clicked open. Lena stepped out slowly, the tests clenched in her hand. Her face looked pale, but her eyes were shining in a way he hadn’t seen before.

Marcus sat up immediately. “Hey, what happened?”

She didn’t answer right away. She walked toward him like someone walking through water. Then she held out her hand.

“Well?” he asked, already bracing.

She held a pregnancy test out like evidence in a trial. “I’m pregnant.”

The word cracked through the room. He stared at the stick, then at her.

“Are you sure?”

Her laugh was sharp. “No, Marcus, I just collect positive pregnancy tests for fun.”

He winced. “That’s not what I—”

“I took four.”

Silence. For a split second, something like awe crossed his expression. Then it shifted. Tightened. His brain started calculating before he could stop it. Rent. Bills. His cut shifts. Her car that barely started in the mornings.

“Pregnant,” he repeated.

She nodded, a breathless smile breaking through. “We’re going to have a baby.”

Silence. Marcus swallowed. He set the laptop aside slowly, as if any sudden movement might shatter something fragile.

“Okay,” he said carefully. The smile on her face faltered.

“Okay?” she echoed.

He ran a hand through his hair. “I mean… okay. Wow. That’s… wow.”

She waited for him to stand. To pull her into a hug. To laugh. To say this is crazy and beautiful and we’ll figure it out. He didn’t. Instead, he leaned forward, elbows on his knees, staring at the carpet.

“How far along do you think you are?”

“I don’t know. Maybe five weeks? Six?” She hugged herself. “I missed my period and I just—I knew.”

He nodded slowly. Too slowly.

“Marcus,” she said, her voice thinning, “say something.”

“I’m trying.”

His mind was already racing ahead: rent due next week, the electric bill they were late on, the cracked windshield they still hadn’t fixed. His community college tuition. Her part-time job at the café that barely covered groceries.

“You look like someone just told you you’re going to prison.”

“Because this is serious, Lena!”

“It’s also exciting,” she shot back. “Or did that not cross your mind?”

He stood up abruptly. “Of course it crossed my mind! But do you want me to throw confetti? We can barely afford groceries!”

“We’ll make it work.”

“How?” His voice rose. “With what money? With what space? We’re in a one-bedroom apartment with mold in the bathroom!”

“So we move!”

“With what savings?!” he barked.

She flinched but didn’t back down. “People figure it out all the time.”

“Yeah, and they’re drowning half the time.”

“At least they try.”

He froze. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means you’re already looking for an exit.”

“No I am not.”

“You haven’t said one single positive thing since I walked out of that bathroom.”

“Because I’m not an idiot, Lena!” he snapped. “This isn’t some Instagram announcement. This is eighteen years. Minimum.”

Her face hardened. “You think I don’t know that?”

“I think you’re romanticizing this.”

“Oh my God.” She threw the test onto the coffee table. “You think I’m stupid.”

“I think you’re emotional.”

Her jaw dropped. “Wow.”

“Don’t twist my words.”

“You just said I’m emotional.”

“You are!” he shot back. “You’re running on adrenaline and hormones and—”

“Say it.” She stepped toward him. “Say what you’re actually thinking.”

He hesitated.

“That we’re not ready,” he said finally.

“And?”

“And that maybe we should think about whether this is the right time.”

Her voice dropped to ice. “Whether what is the right time?”

He looked away.

“Say it, Marcus.”

He swallowed. “Whether we should… go through with it.”

The air left her lungs like he’d punched her.

“Go through with it,” she repeated. “You mean have your child?”

“I mean make a decision that doesn’t wreck our lives.”

Her eyes blazed. “So that’s what this is? A wreck?”

“You don’t even need to think about it?” she asked, voice trembling with disbelief.

“I am thinking about it!” he barked. “That’s the problem!”

“You mean you’re thinking about how screwed you are.”

“I’m thinking about how screwed we are.”

“No,” she shot back. “You’re thinking about yourself.”

He spun toward her. “Oh, that’s rich.”

“Is it?”

“Yes, it is! Because you’re acting like this is some miracle dropped from the sky instead of a disaster.”

“A disaster?” Her voice broke. “That’s what you think our child is?”

“I think it’s terrible timing!”

“You don’t get perfect timing!” she screamed. “Life doesn’t send you a calendar invite!”

He dragged his hands down his face. “We are twenty-two. We are broke. We fight about gas money. And now you want to bring a baby into that?”

She stepped closer, trembling. “I don’t want to bring a baby into it. The baby is already here.”

“It’s barely the size of a seed!”

“It’s still ours!”

He shook his head, backing away like she was something dangerous. “We have options.”

There it was again. Options. Her expression hardened into something almost unrecognizable.

“You mean an abortion.”

He didn’t answer.

“That’s what you mean.”

“I mean we don’t have to ruin our lives because of one mistake!”

The second the word left his mouth, he knew. Mistake. Lena stared at him like he had just slapped her across the face.

“Say that again,” she whispered.

“I didn’t mean—”

“Say it again.”

He didn’t.

“You think this baby is a mistake?” she asked, voice shaking with fury. “You think I am stupid enough to call it that?”

“I meant the situation!”

“No. You meant the baby.”

He looked away.

Her chest rose and fell rapidly. “My mom was nineteen. Nineteen. Everyone told her I was a mistake too.”

“I’m not everyone!”

“You sound exactly like them!”

He snapped. “Your mom struggled her entire life, Lena! You told me she cried in the kitchen because she couldn’t afford groceries!”

“And she still chose me!”

“And she never finished school!” he shot back. “She never got out of that crappy apartment!”

“At least she didn’t kill her kid to make it easier!”

The word hung there. Kill.

Marcus recoiled. “That’s not what I’m saying, Lena! Quit putting words in my mouth!”

“That’s what it feels like.”

“You don’t get to twist it into murder because I’m scared!”

“You don’t get to dress it up as logic because you’re selfish!”

He stepped forward, eyes blazing. “Selfish? You think I’m selfish for not wanting to drag a kid through poverty?”

“I think you’re selfish because you’re scared you’ll end up stuck.”

His jaw tightened. “You don’t know what it’s like.”

“No?” she fired back. “To have a dad who bailed? To grow up watching your mom do everything alone? No, I definitely don’t know anything about that.”

He pointed at her, shaking. “Do not compare this to him.”

“How is it different?”

“I am still here!”

“For now!”

That statement landed with the subtlety of an atomic bomb.

“For now?” he repeated. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?!”

“You know what it means,” she said, tears streaming but voice vicious. “The second this got real, you were looking for a way out.”

“I’m trying to prevent a disaster!”

“You’re trying to erase responsibility!”

“I didn’t ask for this!”

He realized too late that he should’ve kept that to himself. The words were already out there, doing more damage than he could have imagined. Her face went white-hot.

“You didn’t ask for this?” she repeated slowly. “The fuck you mean you didn’t ask for this?!”

“You think I did this alone?” she demanded. “You think I got pregnant by myself?”

“That’s not what I—”

“You were there, Marcus. Every single time.”

He slammed his hand against the wall. “I know that!”

“Then stop acting like I trapped you!”

“I didn’t say that!”

“You don’t have to!” she screamed. “It’s all over your face!”

He stared at her, something ugly rising in him. “If you keep this baby—”

She froze.

“If I keep it?”

He swallowed, but he didn’t back down.

“If you keep this baby without thinking this through… don’t expect me to just pretend that I wasn’t against it.”

The room went silent.

“Are you threatening me, Marcus?” she asked quietly.

“I’m telling you I don’t know if I can do this. If we should do this.”

“There it is,” she said, voice hollow. “You’re leaving.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“You just did.”

He ran his hands through his locs, pacing like a trapped animal. “I am not my father.”

“Then prove it. Because from where I’m standing, you sure as hell look like him.”

“I’m trying!”

“No,” she said, tears cutting down her face. “You’re doing exactly what he did. Panicking. Looking for escape routes. Making it about how unfair it is to you.”

“Because it is unfair!” he exploded. “Everything was finally starting to feel stable!”

Her eyes went cold.

“So that’s it,” she said. “I’m chaos.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“But it is.”

He felt something in his chest crack. “I am terrified I’m going to become him,” he admitted, voice raw. “That I’ll wake up one day and resent you. Or the kid. That I’ll look at our life and feel trapped.”

“And you think I’m not terrified?” she shot back. “You think I don’t know what it costs to do this, especially if I have to do it alone?”

The words echoed. Alone. They both heard it. He looked at her stomach. Then at her face.

“You’re really going to do this,” he said quietly.

“Yes.”

“Even if I’m not ready?”

“Yes.”

There was a long, awful pause.

“And if I can’t?” he asked.

Her voice broke, but she didn’t look away.

“Then you’ll just be another ain’t shit ass nigga who left.”

That did it. He grabbed his jacket off the chair.

“Where are you going?” she demanded.

“I need air.”

“Of course you do.”

“Don’t do that.”

“Don’t do what? Call it what it is?”

He stopped at the door, hand on the knob.

“I’m not him,” he said again, but it sounded weaker now.

She stood in the middle of the living room, one hand protectively over her stomach, the other shaking at her side.

“Then stop proving me right.”

He hesitated. For half a second, it looked like he might come back. Like he might choose to not follow his father’s footsteps and stay. Instead, he opened the door and stepped out into the night, letting it slam behind him.

The apartment felt enormous without him in it. Lena stood there, alone, breathing hard, the echo of the door still ringing in her ears. In the bathroom, the light still hummed. On the sink, three other tests lay in a neat row. Positive. Damning.And suddenly, so was the silence.

Mother Knows Best

She heard her mom yelling at her to get up for school.

“Emily Jane Carter! You’re going to be late again!” Emily groaned and burrowed deeper under the covers, pressing her pillow over her ears.

“I’m awake!” she shouted, her voice muffled.

“You’ve been ‘awake’ for fifteen minutes!” her mom hollered from downstairs. “Your bus leaves in ten!”Emily peeked out from the blanket cave, her eyes squinting at the clock. 7:43.

“Ugh,” she muttered, rolling onto her back. “Stupid morning. Stupid bus.”

With the grace of a sleepy walrus, she finally tumbled out of bed and stumbled toward her dresser. Her dark curls stuck out in all directions, and she only bothered brushing them back with her fingers. She threw on a hoodie, jeans, and mismatched socks—close enough.

Downstairs, her older brother Daniel sat at the table, smugly munching on the last granola bar like it was made of gold.

“You’re late,” he said through a mouthful of oats.

“Thanks, Captain Obvious,” Emily muttered.

Her mom was standing by the door, already dressed for work in a crisp navy blazer and heels. She held Emily’s backpack in one hand and her car keys in the other.

“You missed the bus,” she said simply.

Emily winced. “I can walk.” Her mom frowned. “Em, it’s cloudy. They said rain this morning, and you know the trail through the park gets muddy. Please take the long way—along the main road. And take an umbrella!” Emily snatched her backpack. “I’ll be fine. It’s barely misting!”

“I’m serious,” her mom said, stepping in front of her. “No park trail today. And at least wear your raincoat.” Emily sighed loudly, already halfway out the door. “I’m not a little kid, Mom. I’ve walked to school a million times.” Her mom’s voice followed her as the door closed behind her. “That doesn’t mean you stop listening!”

The sky outside was smeared with thick gray clouds, but Emily ignored it. She tucked her hands into her hoodie pocket and made a beeline for the park trail—the one her mom specifically told her not to take. The long way added fifteen boring minutes. The trail cut that in half and went through a quiet patch of woods, down a sloping hill, over a creek, and out into the neighborhood behind the school. Besides, the puddles were kind of fun to splash through. At first.

By the time she was halfway in, the clouds cracked open and dumped cold rain straight onto her. The path turned to slush. Her sneakers started making embarrassing squish squish sounds. But Emily kept going, muttering to herself.

“Should’ve just listened, Emily. Nope. Too stubborn. And now—” Her foot hit a slick patch of mud.

“Whoa—!” SPLAT.

She landed sideways, her entire left leg sinking into the brown goop. Her backpack flew off her shoulder and rolled toward the edge of the creek. Her phone tumbled from her hoodie pocket and hit the water with a tragic plunk.

“No no no no NO!” she cried, scrambling forward on her knees. The creek was shallow but moving fast from the rain. Emily snatched her phone out, but it was soaked and completely black. She tried holding down the power button. Nothing. For a few seconds, she just sat there, dripping and defeated. Then she did the only thing that made sense—she walked home, crying.

The door creaked open and she stepped inside, shivering. Her mom looked up from her laptop at the kitchen table, eyebrows shooting up. “Emily? Why aren’t you at school? What happened—oh my gosh, are you hurt?!”

Emily’s lip wobbled. “I—I took the trail,” she whispered. Her mom stood quickly and grabbed a towel. She knelt down and wrapped it around Emily’s shoulders.

“I fell,” Emily said, tears spilling out now. “And the creek got my phone, and I didn’t listen, and—”

“Okay, deep breath,” her mom said gently, guiding her to sit down. “Let’s get you cleaned up first, then you can tell me everything.”

Once Emily had changed into dry clothes and was sitting on the couch with a cup of cocoa, she finally explained the whole thing—how she ignored the warnings, how the shortcut betrayed her, and how sorry she was. Her mom listened without interrupting.

When Emily finished, there was a long pause. Her mom took a slow sip of her coffee, then looked over at her daughter. “You know, I’m not even mad,” she said softly. Emily blinked. “You’re not?”

“No. I’m worried. You could’ve really hurt yourself.”

“I know,” Emily whispered, voice small.

“I get that you want independence. But part of growing up is knowing when to trust people who’ve lived a little longer than you. I wasn’t just being annoying this morning—I was trying to keep you safe.” Emily looked down at her cocoa. “I didn’t mean to mess everything up.”

“You didn’t mess everything up,” her mom said, smiling gently. “You just learned a messy lesson.” She reached for Emily’s phone and set it on the table. “We’ll try the rice trick, but no promises. Meanwhile, I’ll email your teacher. And you’re grounded from shortcuts for the week.” Emily managed a small, sheepish grin. “Fair.” Her mom leaned over and kissed the top of her head. “Next time, Em… just listen, okay?” Emily nodded. “I will.” And this time, she meant it.

Love, Marriage & Everything In Between… (Just My Thoughts & Feelings)

Good morning world! I hope this blog finds you in good health and even better spirits. I know its been a while since I actually wrote to you guys, but I haven’t had much to say. Today, we’re gonna talk about probably one of my favorite and least favorite subjects, love. I know what you’re thinking, “How can it be a favorite and least favorite at the same damn time?” That’s simple, keep reading and you’ll find out.

Anybody that truly knows me knows I’m true romantic at heart. I’m the guy that watches romantic comedies. Not because I’m being forced to by my girlfriend/wife, but because I like to see people in love. That and Hollywood’s warped perception of the dynamics of romantic relationships is the funniest thing ever. But that’s a topic for another day, maybe.

As I sit here on this December morning at the ripe “old” age of 32, I find myself recounting my romantic history. I can count on a single hand the number of SERIOUS relationships I’ve had in my life. Of course, like any reasonably attractive male in America, I’ve had my fair share of casual relationships. And I’ve had more than my fair share of bullshit interactions with women to fill in the time in between something with a little more substance. But as I sit here and think of those handful of true romances, I realize that I’ve only been in love once in my life. That’s not to say that I didn’t have very strong feelings for all of the women that were more than just bit players in the grand production that is my life. Hell, I can say with a certain amount of certainty that I loved (and in some cases might still love) every woman that has played a significant role in my own personal Rom-Com. But, so far, there has only been one woman that I can truly say I was IN love with.

I think a lot of people don’t know the difference between LOVING someone and being IN LOVE with someone. That could be one of the reasons why the divorce rate in this country is so damn high. Who knows. I wish I could put into words what it means to be in love, but the experience is different for each person. So, I’ll try my best to describe what being in love was like for me. Hopefully, it’ll help. First off, all the cliches that you hear were true for me. I found myself thinking about her first thing in the morning and as I laid my head down each night. I was ready, willing and able to do anything that would bring a smile to her face. I placed her above myself in the hierarchy of my life, almost to my detriment at times. I loved her daughter as if she was my own. I lost track of “me” and focused solely on “us.” I know you’re probably thinking none of these things sound especially monumental, but they are to me. I’m probably one of the most self-centered people you will ever meet, but that’s because I only have myself to worry about. So for me to put someone else’s wants and needs ahead of my own is enormously significant.

For as grateful as I am to be able to say that I was in love with someone at some point in my life (because everybody is not that fortunate), I think it came a little too early in my life. I was in my mid-20’s and still smelling myself. While a part of me was ready to settle down the other half wanted to be on some Wilt Chamberlain type shit. Talk about a conflict of interest. I’m not sure if this internal strife led to the destruction of my relationship with this young lady, but I know it has kept me from truly committing to anyone since then. That’s not to say that I haven’t had offers, but I knew that I still needed to work on me a little bit more. Its hard to wholly give yourself to one person when you’re still trying to smash every PYT that walks past you. I’d rather be alone than be a cheater, I do have some kind of moral fiber.

So here I am, awaiting the chance to take on the next great adventure that my life has to offer me, married life and parenthood. And while I can have the former without the latter, I’m not one for reversing that. Did I lose some of you? Let me say it differently then. I’m at point in my life (and probably have been for the better part of 2-3 years) where I’m ready to be a husband and father. Its one thing I’ve never tried my hand at and I’m anxious and excited to do. And while I would be able to live with being a husband only (even though its not my preference), I can’t say thing about only being a father. No disrespect to any of you that had children out of wedlock, but that’s just not who I am. I was raised to believe that the title of husband was mandatory to become a father. I know that’s biologically correct (I’m not an idiot), but you know what I mean. Like I said before, I do have some kind of moral fiber. Once again, no disrespect to those of you that took a different path to parenthood.

I was raised to think that being a husband was the second greatest position a man could ever hold, second only to being a father. That’s why I have the hardest time understanding men that shy away from stepping up to the plate, especially when it comes to their children. I understand shit happens, relationships fall apart, condoms break, accidents happen. But if your actions resulted in the creation of a life (the only miracle that humans can pull off), be adult enough to shoulder the responsibility. Scratch that. Saying it like that makes it sound like a burden. While the financial, emotional and physical strain of having kids in today’s society might be daunting, no kid should ever be viewed as albatross that you’re forced to bear. Having kids is a privilege. A privilege that some people take for granted. If you don’t believe me, just ask someone that’s trying to have kids with no success.

I dream of the day that I have a son (even though I know I’m going to have a daughter. Karma is an evil bitch). I daydream about playing catch, teaching him to tie a tie, etc. I know it sounds like a bunch of sappy shit and some of you might not believe me, but these are thoughts that run rampant in my head. I pray on daily basis for the opportunity to be a husband and father. I just don’t get how everybody doesn’t feel like that. Okay, I can understand not wanting to be married, its not for everybody. I get that. But what kind of monster doesn’t want to be a parent? Especially if you already have children? Seriously, if you can’t get excited about being in your child’s life and seeing them become the person that God intends for them to be, you should kill yourself. Twice. Maybe three times just to be certain that you did it right.

My dreams of fatherhood doesn’t end with just me and my child. I have large scale dreams of grand and opulent wedding that all my family members and closest friends attend. My hours of REM sleep are spent envisioning a life that I want. Tasks and duties that would seem small and mundane to those that are already married or have no soul are the things I pine for. Like I said, I’m a romantic. While most people pray for a million dollars, I pray to meet the woman I’m going to spend my life with. I wish for a million dollars too, but I want the woman more.

I think that’s all I have for today. Actually its not, but where my train of thought is heading now would better be served as a separate entry. So maybe we’ll make that happen tomorrow, but I’m not making any promises. So until the next time we meet, peace and love…