First off, let me say good morning as it is 7:50am when I’m writing this. In all honesty, I shouldn’t be doing anything except for sleeping. Or maybe going to the bathroom. Hell, its taking me quite a bit of time to type this but I think that has more to do with me using my Blackberry to write this than it does the mini-hangover I’m suffering from.
So, if you haven’t figured it out yet, I went out last night and did a little bit of drinking. In actuality, I think I did a lot of drinking, especially when I recall that I didn’t eat before consuming alcohol, which is an all-around no no for someone like me. (A little confused as to what I could be speaking about? Refer to the entry titled You Think You Know, But You Have No Idea… and read #13). I enjoyed myself though and that’s all that matters, right? Well, not so much. While I did have a great time, I also learned a very valuable lesson about myself. I know you’re all waiting in breathless anticipation for me to share this drunken epiphany I had. Here it is: at age 30 (yes I’m 30), I have somehow become an emotional drunk. Now, let me make sure I explain this correctly. I’m not one of those people that gets drunk and starts spazzing out on everyone in an alcohol-fueled, emotional rage. But I am a person that gets wrapped up in my feelings. Hell, I tend to do that when I’m sober so maybe it becomes more noticeable (at least to me) when I’m drinking. Who knows…
I bring this up because last night as well as the night before were spent with “The Woman of My…” (I’m still not able to finish that statement) and a few other friends. Now, I will admit (I’m mature enough to do so now) that I suffer from the same affliction that my father did, which is that I find it very difficult to tell the people that I care about how I feel about them in a serious manner. While my father chose to ignore the topic of his feelings for others altogether, I tend to try to make light of the topic by being making jokes. So let me say this now before I go on: if you are one of the select few people that truly means something to me, I love you from the bottom of my heart. All jokes aside, you help make life and all the things that I go through a little more bearable. But back to the topic…
The night started off okay. It was a group outing but most of the people that said they were coming didn’t show (another topic for another time). That’s okay because the folks that were in attendance made up for it. Now, I originally planned to remain sober for the whole night. Well, you know what they say about the best laid plans. One shot led to another, which ultimately led to me consuming my archenemy, Jose Cuervo (long story). But somewhere in between the shots, the dancing and me somehow tearing a hole in my favorite jeans (which I’m completely pissed off about), I got caught up in my feelings for “You Know Who” and couldn’t really find my way out. I do have to commend myself because while I might have been an emotional trainwreck on the inside, I was able to maintain my composure (I think). Now, this happened to me after only a couple of shots, just imagine how I felt after consuming my nemesis. It took everything in my 5’10”, 235 pound frame (and no, I’m not fat. You would never guess I weigh that much by just looking at me) to keep my cool long enough to get away. But once I was able to distance myself from the situation, I rambled on about “You Know Who” to a good friend (thanks for listening, B) for the entire ride home. All bad…
Now, I know what you’re probably thinking. I even know what my best friend would say if she were to read this. Hell, part of me is thinking and saying the same thing. But its not that easy. We don’t pick the people we love and we damn sure don’t have a say so in who we fall in love with. Yeah, I said it. I’m in love with “The Woman of My…” (I swear I’m gonna finish that statement one day). I’m not exactly sure when it happened, hell I’m still working on figuring out why it happened. But somewhere on this twisted journey that is my relationship with “You Know Who,” I fell into the deep end of the pool. Too bad I can’t swim…
In My Own Words... 
What’s really going on with you? I seems to me that you are running head first into a brick wall on a regular basics.. I think what the problem is that you maybe learning a lesson that you have already gone through before..
I find that even drinking socially is never a good idea when you have a lot going on in your mind.. I think you should try to figure out the root of your problem.. Try to resolve it the best way you can so you don’t have to endure this lesson again..and once you do that you will be able to continue on with other things that are important to you… I.E.. Your writing… Idk, just think about it.. I wish well for you Mr. Bradley
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Right now, I think I’m uncertain about so much in my life that its blocking my creative flow. That’s frustrating enough, but then i have the added… what’s the word I’m looking for… I guess, pressure, for lack of a better word, of my feelings for this woman. And as a recovering alcoholic, I try my hardest to not drink or at least to not drink more than I’m capable of handling at the time. But on that night, it seemed like everything kind of snowballed. One shot led to another, which led to tequila straight out the bottle, and all the while my mind (which has a mind of its own) is still trying to process everything going on in my life.
As far as my writer’s block, I think I’m trying to force something to come out that’s not really there. A lot of times when i sit down to write, I’m going away from my roots as a writer which is poetry and trying to work on my skills as a songwriter, which is a completely different writing process for me. But everything I write comes from personal experience in one way or another, so I get hamstrung into sitting in front of my laptop, looking at a blank screen while the instrumentals that I’m working with continually play. Its like I said to a friend of mine the other day, its a full-time job being as talented as I may or may not be. Maybe I need a vacation from it all…
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