The day is hardly over but this something that has been on my mind for a while. As I write this, I’m laying in bed watching “500 Days of Summer” and I realized something. I tend to watch a LOT of romantic comedies! I know you were probably expecting me to talk about something else, but it’s what’s on my mind for some reason. If I think about it, I’ve seen more than my fair share of romantic comedies. Now that I think about it, some of my favorite movies are listed under this genre. I thought about listing them, but I’m just not comfortable enough doing that…

I’m sure there has to be a reason why a seemingly normal, heterosexual man thoroughly enjoys watching movies about people falling in love, falling out of love, discovering love, all the while making a fool of themselves. If I had to guess at that reason I would say it’s because I’m truly a romantic at heart. Actually, if I had to label myself I would say that I’m a hopelessly romantic, cynical realist. What that means is that my heart sees the goodness that’s around while my head tends to over-analyze everything and focus on the negativity that surrounds us in our everyday life. This oxymoronic, Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde, contradictory way of looking at the world tends have me spending my days masquerading about as if love is something that I don’t need nor want in my life, but that has got to be the biggest lie I ever have or ever will tell. I spend most of my days literally fighting the urge to write sappy love poetry and even sappier love songs (I figure the world doesn’t need more of either). I’m coming to the point in my life that I think I’m ready to cut off the second half of self-appointed tag and become one of those people that looks at life and only sees the good side of everything. But then again, being that saccharin sweet is definitely for the birds…

Okay, maybe that’s not entirely true. Looking at it realistically, nobody can ever be THAT happy at any time, and no one can be happy ALL the time. It’s just impossible. That’s not to say that people can’t be happy, I’m (reasonably) happy with where my life is. I’m 30 years old, I’ve never been arrested (okay there was that one time but that doesn’t count), I don’t have a bunch of illegitimate children running around and I still have the opportunity to grab the world by the short & curlies and do whatever it is I wanna do with my life. On the other hand, I wake up everyday and feel like something is missing. For a while, during my mid-20’s, I couldn’t put my finger on what it was. But all of a sudden, I had an epiphany. Actually, it wasn’t so much “all of a sudden” as it was slowly but surely, the light came on. Think less like flicking a light switch, more like building a campfire. The troubling part about it is that it took the major tragedy of my so far to turn that light on. If you’re unsure as to what I might be speaking of, let me expound: on July 27, 2007, I took my father to the hospital. Less than 2 months later, on September 7, 2007, he passed away. My father’s death left me feeling all alone in the world. Scratch that. My father’s death left me all alone in the world. When I say that to most people, they think that I have no family. that’s not the case. I actually have a really big family, but I’m somewhat estranged from them. I only see my family on certain holidays and those visits always feel so awkward. Because of that estrangement, I tend to not consider my family to be a part of my life, especially in times of need. And the death of my father could definitely be considered a time of need. It’s not as though there was no effort made. My mother came to see me while my father was in the hospital. I’ve never told her how much that meant to me. Maybe I will one day. But back to my subject…

The great realization that I came to while my father laid in a hospital bed fighting for and losing his life was that life was too short to continue doing the bulls**t that I had been doing up until that point (I know you wanna know what exactly I was doing, but this not the time nor place). But this realization punched me right in my soul, especially on the day my father died. Like any normal person, I spent a few months sulking and mourning. But once that period had passed, my need to settle down and start a family went into overdrive. That definitely was not a good look. I quickly started a relationship with a woman that I’m not sure I really had a future with. And by the time I was able to see the truth, we were living together and I was the victim of loving the wrong person. Life lesson learned. I still carry a picture of that woman in my wallet to serve as a reminder to never allow myself to fall into a situation like that again. But, the cautiousness has led me to be overly wary of just about any romantic relationship. Until now. That’s not to say that I’m ready to jump into a relationship right now. That’s nowhere near the case. But I’m open to the possibility of possibly being in a relationship in the (somewhat) near future. If you know me, you know that that’s definitely progress…