Good evening good people. I hope today’s entry finds you in good health and even better spirits. I knew I wanted to write a new entry today but I wasn’t exactly sure what I wanted to write about until I spoke to a friend and she clued me in of her decision to confess her feelings for a mutual friend. I figured if she could make such a personal and intimate confession to one person, I could easily spill my guts to whoever feels like they want to read my rantings. So, without further adieu, here we go…

I’m completely conflicted by my feelings about holidays. One part of me is nothing but a big fucking softy and loves everything that holidays like Christmas and Thanksgiving are supposed to represent. I love the idea of being around my family, enjoying their company and basking in the abundance of love. Then there’s the bitter jaded side of me that hates the commercialization that the holidays have endured over the last couple of generations. I think a part of that comes from spending so much of my life around retail. Working in retail will destroy anybody’s holiday spirit. But I think a major part of it comes from not having my own family. Christmas is geared solely towards kids. I’ve always said that I believe that I’ll be more into holidays when I have kids. Its kind of hard to muster Christmas spirit when Christmas doesn’t really differentiate from any of the other 364 days in the year.

I’ve been single for the better part of the last decade. While that was by design when I was in my early 20’s, I’m starting to think its karma getting back at me as I’m journeying deeper into my 30’s. I made a lot of really fucked up choices when it came to how I treated women when I was younger. Before you jump to any conclusions, I didn’t do anything that could be deemed incredibly horrible, like physically abusing a woman. But I was very flippant with the way I handled women’s hearts. I’ve always been a charming man, even when I battled being shy as hell. I just think that I let that charm run amok, cause some unrepairable damage and quite possibly cost me a few very good chances at being happy. So now, I find myself learning my lesson the hard way. And I HATE it! I’ve never been a jealous person because I’ve always felt that I could go get anything that another person has if I really waned it. But now, i look around and see that some of my closest friends are experiencing things in their lives that I’ve been dreaming about for years and all I can do is watch from the outside. I kind of feel like an orphan walking past a house and seeing a family sitting in the living room. As bad as I want what I want, it doesn’t look like I’ll ever have it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m beyond ecstatic for my friends and I’ll never let my personal feelings erode the love and excitement I have for them. But for as geeked as I am for them, I’m equally depressed when I reflect on my own situation. It makes for strained conversations on my behalf. Its hard to not show my true feelings, but I want to make sure they know that it has nothing to do with them. Its purely my own issues that are kicking me in my ass. If you guys are reading this, I love you more than you know or I show and I really am happy for you. And that lets me perfectly transition into my next confession that has a little bit of back story to it…

I’ve been single since 2008. Since then, I’ve had quite a few friends get married. I’ve always found a way to skip the wedding because of my own personal problems until recently. At this wedding, I was coerced into participating in the archaic tradition of attempting to catch the garter belt. Anybody that knows me, knows that would I normally balk and protest this with every fiber of my being. That wasn’t entirely true this time around. Of course, I put a fight to save face. I couldn’t look like a complete punk. But I found myself wanting to catch the garter because I feel like I need every piece of luck, old wives’ tale and superstition I can get on my side right about now. So when the garter was (finally) thrown into the (very) small crowd of single men that were in attendance, I found myself thinking of it as if it was a football. And if you’ve ever seen me on a football field, you know what my mentality is like. Needless to say, I caught the garter. I still had to keep up my front and pretend like I was upset, but I was back flips and cartwheels inside. I’m not exactly sure if its more because of my competitive spirit or the fact that I’m ready to end this romantic drought that my life seems to be stuck in for the last 3+ years. My ego wants to believe its the former, but I’m leaning more towards the latter.

I have issues dating single mothers. This is nothing new in my world, but my reasoning behind is a little different now than it was before. Previously, I didn’t want to date a single mother because I was an attention whore. If there wasn’t the potential for me to be the focal point of a woman’s life, she was fated to be another in the long line of sexual partners I’ve had in my life, or at best, a friend. Of course, I never told a woman this because that would greatly diminish my chances of sleeping with her. But the thought was always floating around in the back of my mind. As I’ve gotten older, I have made some exceptions. Those relationships all failed, so I never felt compelled to let go of my disposition against single mothers. But I have evolved my thinking on the subject. While I still would prefer to date a woman that doesn’t have any children, my reason is one that I’m more comfortable sharing because I’m quite sure I won’t get slapped for it. I know you’re wondering, “What’s this new reason he has for not wanting to date a single mother?” Well, I’ll tell you. I’m now at a point that I’m looking to settle down and start my own family and I would prefer to do that with a woman that would be a first time parent, like me. Also, I’m afraid of injecting the drama that might accompany a woman with a baby’s father into my life. But like most things in my life that I want, I know the chances of finding a single woman that I want to be with that doesn’t have children is very slim, I’ve established concessions in my philosophy.

That’s pretty much all I can think of right now. Plus its 3 in the morning, I probably need to try to lay down and get that resembles something kind of like sleep. So, until next time, peace and love…