Good afternoon world! Let me start off by doing what I usually do, apologize for my absence. It feels as though my life is going through 10,749,749,264,963,057 changes right now and only about half of them appear to be for the better right now. I said it like that because I’m trying to have faith that everything I’m going through right now is for the ultimate good and will eventually show dividends in making me the person I’m destined to be. But right now, its kind of hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But that’s neither here nor there. Let’s get back to what has brought us all together today, the insane ramblings of my cluttered mind…

For those of you that didn’t know, I moved back to my place of birth a few months ago. That’s one of those changes that I’m unsure of now, but I think will be the best thing for me later on. Now I know you’re wondering, “Why did he say his “place of birth” instead of saying hometown?” That’s very simple. I have never, not ever considered Kansas City, MO to be my hometown. I acknowledge that this is where my physical life began, this is where I spent the first decade plus of my life, this is where the vast majority of my relatives live. By definition, this is my hometown. But, in my heart, I feel like a visitor every time I set foot in this city. Its kind of strange. I think a large part of it has to do with the fact that I spent my formative years in other cities. When my father and I left KC in September of ’93, I began a whirlwind tour of the country that has seen me live in 5 different cities in 5 different states over the last 18+ years. Hell, I’ve had multiple stints 3 different cities in that period of time. Every time I tell somebody about the places I’ve lived, their first inclination is to ask if my father was in the military. He wasn’t. My dad was retailer that was exceptional at what he did for a living and the skill set that he developed over his life put him at the top of his employer’s list of candidates to move around. But back to the topic. Since I’ve reached adulthood, I’ve frequently been asked which city that I have lived in do I consider to be home. Now, here’s where the story gets interesting. If you had asked me that question 10 years ago, I would answer St. Louis, MO without any hesitation. St. Louis is where I felt like I grew up, came into my own. But its also the city that saw me suffer through the roughest patch of my life. Its the city where my father drew his last breath, its where I had my first adult relationship, its also where I suffered my first true romantic heartbreak. So its safe to say that my love affair with the Gateway City has cooled off considerably. Now, that’s not to say that the answer has changed, I just choose to take more time to reflect on my life before I answer. The funny thing is, if you ask certain people (especially family members) where I’m from, their answer is always Atlanta. And they tend to say it in a way that makes people believe that I was born in the Peach State. I always find that funny. But that’s not why we’re here today either, just a funny tidbit of my life that I wanted to share…

Since I have moved back to KC, I’ve tried to mold myself into the person that I think I’m meant to be by slowly letting go of the person that I had spent the previous 16 years turning myself into. That’s not to say that there was anything wrong with who I was. Scratch that, that’s a bold faced lie. If you knew me prior to the beginning of my second metamorphosis, you would be inclined to think I was an asshole. And you would be absolutely correct in your thinking. I treated everyone, save for a select few people, like shit. I drank more than a confessed alcoholic should, I cursed like a sailor, I was beyond arrogant. In short, I was a joy to be around (sarcasm). What makes it worse is that these are things that I recognized and hated about myself, but had no intention of ever changing. I had gotten to the point where the shell that my assumed persona provided was a comfort to me because I didn’t have to worry about anybody getting too close to me, finding their way into my heart and then leaving me alone. My thinking was, “If you can’t get past the wall, you can’t invade the castle.” That’s the worse way to live life. Ever. Okay, it might not be the worst ever known to man, but its the worst that I can think of. Living a life surrounded by people but to ultimately be alone and lonely. I can’t think of a more horrible way to torture myself. I find myself paying the price for it now, and probably will continue to for the forseeable future. 

Another piece of my life that I’m trying to make alterations in is my personal relationship with God. I’m not exactly sure when and where I strayed away from the flock, but it was one of those things that I always felt like I needed to change. The bad part is that I was (and in some ways still am) my own worst enemy in regards to knowing my Heavenly Father. At some point along the way, I made the conscious decision to walk away from church. I can’t really tell you what it was that made me make that decision, but I wish I could go back in time and kick my own ass for it. But, certain mistakes can be rectified, hopefully I’m on the path to fixing what I broke…

I’m thinking that’s all I got for today. If I come up with more, I know where to find you guys. But until then, peace and love…