Good morning world! I know I’ve been absent for a while, but my life has been undergoing some changes that I needed to focus on completely. Also, I didn’t have anything to say and I’d rather not post than post a bunch of bullshit. You deserve better than that. So let’s get into what has brought us together today. I know most of you read the title and started asking yourself, “What kind of message can he have for us?” Well, here it goes…
In past entries, I’ve made a big deal about the fact that I’m in my 30’s (I’ll be 32 this year) and I’m still single and childless. After careful consideration and reflecting upon my own upbringing, I consider this to be a blessing. After all, my father was 34 years my senior. Let me explain why I say that…
My father was and, in some ways, still is my role model. If you have been following along, you know the kind of relationship me and my father had. For those that are new, let me fill you in. I spent the vast majority of my life with my dad. For most of early life, he was the only parent I had. Now while I missed having my mother in my life (our relationship is still a little awkward), I feel that my father did an excellent job of instilling in me the skills I would need to be the kind of man that I should be. I was taught how to be a gentleman. I learned how to dress myself. I was given an excellent example of how a man should be able to adapt to any situation he is thrown into.
Now like every child (especially boys), I thought my dad was full of shit and rebelled against the lessons that he was trying to teach me. And just like every other child that was raised by an ADULT, my resistance was met and my rebellion squelched.
Once I reached a certain age (right before my 13th birthday), my father sat me down and talked to me about what life as a young man was gonna be like. After he shared that piece of knowledge with me, he imparted 2 rules that were laced with some very powerful advice. The first was don’t bring any children into his house unless I was ready to move out because only adults should be having children. The second was don’t get in any trouble with law and expect him to bail me out because if I was adult enough to commit the crime, I should be adult enough to suffer the consequences. I had mixed feelings about him saying that to me. On one hand, I was happy to be given the freedom to do just about anything I wanted. On the other hand, I was afraid of screwing up in such a way that my father would leave me to my own devices. I knew if that was to happen, I would most certainly be up shit’s creek without a paddle. That’s not to say that I didn’t think that my father wouldn’t be there for me if I was to stumble or make a mistake, because I knew he would be. Looking back on it, I think I didn’t want to do anything that he wouldn’t approve of.
Over the next 5+ years, I tested the boundaries of this newly gained freedom. I was promiscuous throughout middle school and high school, I drank, I stayed out late, I did everything that I could think of except for anything that I thought my dad would frown upon.
Once I reached 19, I noticed that my relationship with my father changed once again. We were more like friends instead of parent and child. I could go to my father with my concerns and issues and not get lectures and instructions, but advice on what I should do. This was huge to me because I was at an age when I was really trying to step out into the world on my own and see what life had to offer. And while I felt like I had the tools to survive, I knew I had an excellent resource in my father to draw knowledge from. His advice and the example he set proved to be invaluable to me, even to this very day.
Now, I don’t want to make it seem like my dad was perfect or some kind of parenting guru. He made his mistakes, just like any other human being. He worked too much throughout my adolescence and young adulthood. At times, he seemed to be completely disconnected from my life. He found it hard to express his emotions. But when I examine his shortcomings alongside the lessons he instilled, I have the perfect example for the kind of man, husband and father I want to be.
I say all of this to make the point that while I’m not completely pleased with where I am in my life, there are certain aspects that I am satisfied with. I’m reasonably healthy, I’m free and I haven’t put myself in any situation that I can’t get out of.
So that brings me to the message that I want to share…
To all the young people (under 18), enjoy being a child. Don’t be in such a rush to grow up. Because once you do, you can’t go back. Take this time to have fun, act like an idiot, be carefree, learn as much as you can, make mistakes, get in some trouble, but just make sure that you don’t go too far. All in all, be a kid! Don’t put yourself in situations that are meant for adults.
To my brothers, we gotta do better. Our women deserve better from us. Hell, we deserve better from ourselves! Let’s stop misusing, abusing and tearing our women down. Quit putting our women in situations that they don’t belong in. Quit laying down with women and making babies you have no intention of taking care of.
To my sisters, y’all gotta do better. Know your worth, you’re a queen and deserved to be treated as such. Quit allowing yourself to be mistreated, subjugated and dehumanized. Love yourself before you expect somebody else to love you. Quit giving yourself to these guys that you know you have no future with and making babies. You’re the givers of life and love and that shouldn’t be taken lightly, remember that.
And one final piece of advice for everybody…
Let’s stop allowing other people to dictate and define our lives. Let’s quit playing right into the stereotypes and generalizations that others have for us. Be the exception and not the rule. If enough of us do that, then the exception will become the rule. We have to be the ones to set the example for those that follow us.
You know what, f*** you
F*** you from the bottom of my heart
F*** you sideways, backwards and upside down
F*** you, f*** your couch, f*** your life
F*** your feelings, f*** your opinion, f*** your authority
F*** you and that bulls*** you be talking
F*** you, you half-dead motherf***er
You think you know but f*** you, you have no idea
I’m like rubber, you’e like glue, whatever you say bounces off me so f*** you
F*** you, f*** you and f*** you, who’s next
I don’t know what the f*** you talking about so f*** you
Everytime I see you, all I wanna say is “F*** you”
I feel like fireballs should be coming out my hands when I scream, “F*** YOU!”
All I’m serving is f*** you with a side of kiss my a**
So f*** you, f*** you, f*** you, you’re cool and f*** you
I’m out
Spiritual equalities wrap my brain, the overstanding of third eye bliss
The supernatural powers of our ancestor’s teachings
Truly processing what it means to be a slave
A nigga, a darky, colored, black, an African-American
Seeing my brothers and sisters belittled by society
Makes me wonder of our fututre existence
Shall we become of love, of true foundations
Will we save the black nation, will we commit to the struggle
To the youth, to the truth
Will you make that sacrifice to love me, us, we
The spark of the universe
Can we let go of the matrix
The pimps and hoes, the hustlers
The bling, the bread, the pussy, the dicks and just represent
I need you to know that our time has come
For we are with righteousness, one with the balance
Numerology, astrology, trignometry
The writings on the walls in Ethiopia and in our hearts
I am man
Hear me, breathe me in, be one with me for our future
From now until eternity
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. “That’s nice,” she thinks, “but I want more.” So she continues upward. She goes to the third floor, the sign reads: Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. “Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor, the sign reads: Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. “Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!” Still, she goes to the fifth floor, the sign reads: Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, the sign reads: Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex, have money, and like beer. The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, “I’ve got something to tell you.” She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, “Why?” I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, “You are not a man!” That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her! With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now. The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again. In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request. I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. “No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce,” she said scornfully. My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly, “Don’t tell our son about the divorce.” I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office. On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her. On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. i suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily. Suddenly it hit me, she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously, I reached out and touched her head. Our son came in at the moment and said, “Dad, it’s time to carry mom out.” To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office, jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind. I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, “Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.” She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. “Do you have a fever?” she said. I moved her hand off my head. “Sorry, Jane,” I said, “I won’t divorce my wife. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.” Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, “I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.” That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I ran up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed, dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was too busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from whatever negative reaction it would have on our son, in case we pushed through with the divorce. At least, in the eyes of our son, I’m a loving husband. THE SMALL DETAILS OF YOUR LIVES ARE WHAT REALLY MATTER IN A RELATIONSHIP. It’s not the house, the car, property or the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage! If you don’t share this, nothing will happen to you. If you do, you just might save a marriage. Most of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up. YOU DON’T REALIZE WHAT YOU HAVE UNTIL ITS GONE!!!
I originally wrote this almost 3 years ago to the day and decided to make it an annual recurrence after last year’s post. So, since we just celebrated the coming of another New Year, here’s goes my third go at full disclosure…
1. I grew up as an only child and am JEALOUS of people who have siblings. I always have been and probably always will be. But if I had the choice to have siblings when I was a child, I don’t think I would really want them. I loved my childhood (for the most part).
2. I’m still probably one of the shyest people you will ever meet. I’ve been like that for years, but I’m better about approaching women now than I used to be. I still have my moments when I find it hard to speak, though.
3. I’m originally from Kansas City, MO but consider Atlanta, GA my hometown. It’s a long story as to why. Out of all the places I’ve lived, and the list is pretty long, Atlanta is the first place I felt like I fit in. I feel awkward when I go back to MO to visit.
4. I’m still secretly insecure about my looks, which is why I love to go shopping. I always figured I could make up for not being the most attractive man if I was the best dressed. Its also one of the reasons I got tattoos.
5. I’m smarter than most people think I am. I have an IQ of 163 but got bad grades in high school because I was bored to death. I even taught one of my classes for a month. And that experience made me want to be a teacher. That’s until I saw how much they get paid…
6. After careful review, I realized I’ve only been in love once, and have only had 4 serious romantic relationships in 30+ years of living.
7. I believe nothing is more important than family, but I avoid the vast majority of the members of my family like they have the plague. Its because I really am a creature of habits, and I spent a large portion of my life without them. So, I’ve got used to being without my family. I am trying to change that, especially since I’m approaching the point in my life when I want to start a family.
8. I don’t have a lot of friends. And the friends I do have, I consider to be family. In all honesty, I love them more than I love my real family. Which isn’t to say that I don’t love my family, but I love my friends more.
9. Speaking of friends, most of my friends are female. I’m not too sure why, though. But it has led to my sexuality being questioned on numerous occasions.
10. I lost my father to cancer on September 7, 2007. If you knew me prior to his death, you know the kind of relationship we had. I took his death a lot harder than even I had initially realized. Since he passed, my life (my approach to life in particular) hasn’t really been the same. But, as of my 30th birthday, I’m starting to feel like the “old” me again. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing though.
11. I love to write and have been writing since 1995! I actually have cried because I had writer’s block. I can honestly count on my hand the number of people that knew that!
12. I was originally left-handed, but my mother made me learn how to write with my right hand. I never asked why, but I think that is by far the dumbest thing I have ever heard of. But because of that, I’m partially ambidextrous. It’s weird.
13. I’m an alcoholic. I’m not a full-out, fall down drunk or anything like that, but I’ve struggled with alcoholism since I was 13. That’s why you’ll never see me have more than 3 drinks if I’m out somewhere, unless something is seriously bothering me. In that case, you might wanna drag me away from the bar.
14. I’m afraid of growing up, which keeps me from being able to commit to anything serious. But at the same time, I’m afraid of not progressing in my life. Which is why I’m prone to become frustrated by being single. I think single life is for people under the age of 25 and sociopaths. I’m neither.
15. I love hard and fast. I can tell within a few social encounters what kind of feelings I’ll have for a woman. And once I fall for her, my feelings don’t go away easily. If she doesn’t feel the same way, I usually cut off all communications just to spare my feelings.
16. My nickname is Moses, but you would be surprised by who started calling me that. It came from the pastor of a church that I attended when I lived in Denver, CO. He said he could sense that I had the spirit of a great leader. That was almost 15 years ago and while other people easily recognize that attribute of my personality, I’m still waiting to see it.
17. I’m seriously claustrophobic! I can’t even ride in small cars without getting really nervous. So if you ever are on an elevator with me and I get quiet and grab the rail, that’s why.
18. I really want kids and have felt that way for about 8 or 9 years, but I’m scared to death at the same time that I won’t be a good father. That fear has kept me from fully committing myself to a relationship so far.
19. I’m really lazy, unless I’m working towards something that directly benefits me. That’s the main reason why I want to open my own business. I don’t want to work for anybody else, I’d rather be my own asshole of a boss. There are other reasons, too. Ask and I might tell.
20. I originally got tattoos as a conversation starter. But now, my tattoos have taken on their own significant meanings, especially the one on the lower part of my upper right arm. Its my father’s nickname (Chief) in Arabic. I plan on getting more in the very near future. I’m thinking about getting one covered up, though.
21. I’m really old fashioned, to an extent. I don’t believe in having kids out of wedlock, and I only want to get married once. I think that (along with some other factors that are mentioned above) has kept me from settling down or just running out and having a baby.
22. I don’t really like to talk about the things that are bothering me, but I try to give clues as to what is wrong. Only the people that really know me are able to pick up on them, though.
23. I really am a nice guy! I adopted my “asshole” persona in high school. It was my way of dealing with being rejected by a girl that I was head over heels for. Over the years, I’ve mellowed out but I still have my moments when I can be a real jerk. I’ve always said that one day I would drop the facade altogether, and I think that time has finally arrived.
24. I’m deathly afraid of hospitals. It all stems from my father’s death. I recently had to go to the hospital to have surgery and I cried like a baby. They had to medicate me just to get me to calm down.
25. I’ve decided to go back to school, not only so that I can get my degree but I also want to join a fraternity. I’m really self-conscious about that decision, though. I’ll be 31 (going on 32) when I start taking classes and I haven’t been in a classroom in over 10 years.
26. My birthday is Omega Psi Phi’s Founder’s Day and my dad was an Omega. But when I was in high school and thinking about going to college, I wanted to be a Kappa. The first time I said it to my dad, he punched me in the chest. When I go back to school, I wanna pledge Omega Psi Phi just for him.
That’s all I want to share for now. But in the meantime, if you have any questions, just ask. I don’t bite.
In My Own Words... 