A Message to Those That Need It (Which is Quite a Few People)

Posted on by under General

Good morning world! I know I’ve been absent for a while, but my life has been undergoing some changes that I needed to focus on completely. Also, I didn’t have anything to say and I’d rather not post than post a bunch of bullshit. You deserve better than that. So let’s get into what has brought us together today. I know most of you read the title and started asking yourself, “What kind of message can he have for us?” Well, here it goes…

In past entries, I’ve made a big deal about the fact that I’m in my 30’s (I’ll be 32 this year) and I’m still single and childless. After careful consideration and reflecting upon my own upbringing, I consider this to be a blessing. After all, my father was 34 years my senior. Let me explain why I say that…

My father was and, in some ways, still is my role model. If you have been following along, you know the kind of relationship me and my father had. For those that are new, let me fill you in. I spent the vast majority of my life with my dad. For most of early life, he was the only parent I had. Now while I missed having my mother in my life (our relationship is still a little awkward), I feel that my father did an excellent job of instilling in me the skills I would need to be the kind of man that I should be. I was taught how to be a gentleman. I learned how to dress myself. I was given an excellent example of how a man should be able to adapt to any situation he is thrown into.

Now like every child (especially boys), I thought my dad was full of shit and rebelled against the lessons that he was trying to teach me. And just like every other child that was raised by an ADULT, my resistance was met and my rebellion squelched.

Once I reached a certain age (right before my 13th birthday), my father sat me down and talked to me about what life as a young man was gonna be like. After he shared that piece of knowledge with me, he imparted 2 rules that were laced with some very powerful advice. The first was don’t bring any children into his house unless I was ready to move out because only adults should be having children. The second was don’t get in any trouble with law and expect him to bail me out because if I was adult enough to commit the crime, I should be adult enough to suffer the consequences. I had mixed feelings about him saying that to me. On one hand, I was happy to be given the freedom to do just about anything I wanted. On the other hand, I was afraid of screwing up in such a way that my father would leave me to my own devices. I knew if that was to happen, I would most certainly be up shit’s creek without a paddle. That’s not to say that I didn’t think that my father wouldn’t be there for me if I was to stumble or make a mistake, because I knew he would be. Looking back on it, I think I didn’t want to do anything that he wouldn’t approve of.

Over the next 5+ years, I tested the boundaries of this newly gained freedom. I was promiscuous throughout middle school and high school, I drank, I stayed out late, I did everything that I could think of except for anything that I thought my dad would frown upon.

Once I reached 19, I noticed that my relationship with my father changed once again. We were more like friends instead of parent and child. I could go to my father with my concerns and issues and not get lectures and instructions, but advice on what I should do. This was huge to me because I was at an age when I was really trying to step out into the world on my own and see what life had to offer. And while I felt like I had the tools to survive, I knew I had an excellent resource in my father to draw knowledge from. His advice and the example he set proved to be invaluable to me, even to this very day.

Now, I don’t want to make it seem like my dad was perfect or some kind of parenting guru. He made his mistakes, just like any other human being. He worked too much throughout my adolescence and young adulthood. At times, he seemed to be completely disconnected from my life. He found it hard to express his emotions. But when I examine his shortcomings alongside the lessons he instilled, I have the perfect example for the kind of man, husband and father I want to be.

I say all of this to make the point that while I’m not completely pleased with where I am in my life, there are certain aspects that I am satisfied with. I’m reasonably healthy, I’m free and I haven’t put myself in any situation that I can’t get out of.

So that brings me to the message that I want to share…

To all the young people (under 18), enjoy being a child. Don’t be in such a rush to grow up. Because once you do, you can’t go back. Take this time to have fun, act like an idiot, be carefree, learn as much as you can, make mistakes, get in some trouble, but just make sure that you don’t go too far. All in all, be a kid! Don’t put yourself in situations that are meant for adults.

To my brothers, we gotta do better. Our women deserve better from us. Hell, we deserve better from ourselves! Let’s stop misusing, abusing and tearing our women down. Quit putting our women in situations that they don’t belong in. Quit laying down with women and making babies you have no intention of taking care of.

To my sisters, y’all gotta do better. Know your worth, you’re a queen and deserved to be treated as such. Quit allowing yourself to be mistreated, subjugated and dehumanized. Love yourself before you expect somebody else to love you. Quit giving yourself to these guys that you know you have no future with and making babies. You’re the givers of life and love and that shouldn’t be taken lightly, remember that.

And one final piece of advice for everybody…

Let’s stop allowing other people to dictate and define our lives. Let’s quit playing right into the stereotypes and generalizations that others have for us. Be the exception and not the rule. If enough of us do that, then the exception will become the rule. We have to be the ones to set the example for those that follow us.

F*** You

Posted on by under Poetry

You know what, f*** you
F*** you from the bottom of my heart
F*** you sideways, backwards and upside down
F*** you, f*** your couch, f*** your life
F*** your feelings, f*** your opinion, f*** your authority
F*** you and that bulls*** you be talking
F*** you, you half-dead motherf***er
You think you know but f*** you, you have no idea
I’m like rubber, you’e like glue, whatever you say bounces off me so f*** you
F*** you, f*** you and f*** you, who’s next
I don’t know what the f*** you talking about so f*** you
Everytime I see you, all I wanna say is “F*** you”
I feel like fireballs should be coming out my hands when I scream, “F*** YOU!”
All I’m serving is f*** you with a side of kiss my a**
So f*** you, f*** you, f*** you, you’re cool and f*** you
I’m out

Untitled

Posted on by under Poetry

Spiritual equalities wrap my brain, the overstanding of third eye bliss
The supernatural powers of our ancestor’s teachings
Truly processing what it means to be a slave
A nigga, a darky, colored, black, an African-American
Seeing my brothers and sisters belittled by society
Makes me wonder of our fututre existence
Shall we become of love, of true foundations
Will we save the black nation, will we commit to the struggle
To the youth, to the truth
Will you make that sacrifice to love me, us, we
The spark of the universe
Can we let go of the matrix
The pimps and hoes, the hustlers
The bling, the bread, the pussy, the dicks and just represent
I need you to know that our time has come
For we are with righteousness, one with the balance
Numerology, astrology, trignometry
The writings on the walls in Ethiopia and in our hearts
I am man
Hear me, breathe me in, be one with me for our future
From now until eternity

The New Husband Store

Posted on by under Humor, Love & Relationships

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. “That’s nice,” she thinks, “but I want more.” So she continues upward. She goes to the third floor, the sign reads: Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. “Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor, the sign reads: Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. “Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!” Still, she goes to the fifth floor, the sign reads: Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, the sign reads: Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex, have money, and like beer. The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

‘Til Death Do Us Part! (MARRIED OR NOT, you should read this…)

Posted on by under Love & Relationships

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, “I’ve got something to tell you.” She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, “Why?” I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, “You are not a man!” That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her! With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now. The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again. In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request. I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. “No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce,” she said scornfully. My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly, “Don’t tell our son about the divorce.” I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office. On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her. On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. i suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily. Suddenly it hit me, she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously, I reached out and touched her head. Our son came in at the moment and said, “Dad, it’s time to carry mom out.” To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office, jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind. I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, “Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.” She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. “Do you have a fever?” she said. I moved her hand off my head. “Sorry, Jane,” I said, “I won’t divorce my wife. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.” Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, “I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.” That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I ran up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed, dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was too busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from whatever negative reaction it would have on our son, in case we pushed through with the divorce. At least, in the eyes of our son, I’m a loving husband. THE SMALL DETAILS OF YOUR LIVES ARE WHAT REALLY MATTER IN A RELATIONSHIP. It’s not the house, the car, property or the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage! If you don’t share this, nothing will happen to you. If you do, you just might save a marriage. Most of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up. YOU DON’T REALIZE WHAT YOU HAVE UNTIL ITS GONE!!!

You Think You Know, But You Have No Idea… Version 3.0

Posted on by under General

I originally wrote this almost 3 years ago to the day and decided to make it an annual recurrence after last year’s post. So, since we just celebrated the coming of another New Year, here’s goes my third go at full disclosure…

1. I grew up as an only child and am JEALOUS of people who have siblings. I always have been and probably always will be. But if I had the choice to have siblings when I was a child, I don’t think I would really want them. I loved my childhood (for the most part).

2. I’m still probably one of the shyest people you will ever meet. I’ve been like that for years, but I’m better about approaching women now than I used to be. I still have my moments when I find it hard to speak, though.

3. I’m originally from Kansas City, MO but consider Atlanta, GA my hometown. It’s a long story as to why. Out of all the places I’ve lived, and the list is pretty long, Atlanta is the first place I felt like I fit in. I feel awkward when I go back to MO to visit.

4. I’m still secretly insecure about my looks, which is why I love to go shopping. I always figured I could make up for not being the most attractive man if I was the best dressed. Its also one of the reasons I got tattoos.

5. I’m smarter than most people think I am. I have an IQ of 163 but got bad grades in high school because I was bored to death. I even taught one of my classes for a month. And that experience made me want to be a teacher. That’s until I saw how much they get paid…

6. After careful review, I realized I’ve only been in love once, and have only had 4 serious romantic relationships in 30+ years of living.

7. I believe nothing is more important than family, but I avoid the vast majority of the members of my family like they have the plague. Its because I really am a creature of habits, and I spent a large portion of my life without them. So, I’ve got used to being without my family. I am trying to change that, especially since I’m approaching the point in my life when I want to start a family.

8. I don’t have a lot of friends. And the friends I do have, I consider to be family. In all honesty, I love them more than I love my real family. Which isn’t to say that I don’t love my family, but I love my friends more.

9. Speaking of friends, most of my friends are female. I’m not too sure why, though. But it has led to my sexuality being questioned on numerous occasions.

10. I lost my father to cancer on September 7, 2007. If you knew me prior to his death, you know the kind of relationship we had. I took his death a lot harder than even I had initially realized. Since he passed, my life (my approach to life in particular) hasn’t really been the same. But, as of my 30th birthday, I’m starting to feel like the “old” me again. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing though.

11. I love to write and have been writing since 1995! I actually have cried because I had writer’s block. I can honestly count on my hand the number of people that knew that!

12. I was originally left-handed, but my mother made me learn how to write with my right hand. I never asked why, but I think that is by far the dumbest thing I have ever heard of. But because of that, I’m partially ambidextrous. It’s weird.

13. I’m an alcoholic. I’m not a full-out, fall down drunk or anything like that, but I’ve struggled with alcoholism since I was 13. That’s why you’ll never see me have more than 3 drinks if I’m out somewhere, unless something is seriously bothering me. In that case, you might wanna drag me away from the bar.

14. I’m afraid of growing up, which keeps me from being able to commit to anything serious. But at the same time, I’m afraid of not progressing in my life. Which is why I’m prone to become frustrated by being single. I think single life is for people under the age of 25 and sociopaths. I’m neither.

15. I love hard and fast. I can tell within a few social encounters what kind of feelings I’ll have for a woman. And once I fall for her, my feelings don’t go away easily. If she doesn’t feel the same way, I usually cut off all communications just to spare my feelings.

16. My nickname is Moses, but you would be surprised by who started calling me that. It came from the pastor of a church that I attended when I lived in Denver, CO. He said he could sense that I had the spirit of a great leader. That was almost 15 years ago and while other people easily recognize that attribute of my personality, I’m still waiting to see it.

17. I’m seriously claustrophobic! I can’t even ride in small cars without getting really nervous. So if you ever are on an elevator with me and I get quiet and grab the rail, that’s why.

18. I really want kids and have felt that way for about 8 or 9 years, but I’m scared to death at the same time that I won’t be a good father. That fear has kept me from fully committing myself to a relationship so far.

19. I’m really lazy, unless I’m working towards something that directly benefits me. That’s the main reason why I want to open my own business. I don’t want to work for anybody else, I’d rather be my own asshole of a boss. There are other reasons, too. Ask and I might tell.

20. I originally got tattoos as a conversation starter. But now, my tattoos have taken on their own significant meanings, especially the one on the lower part of my upper right arm. Its my father’s nickname (Chief) in Arabic. I plan on getting more in the very near future. I’m thinking about getting one covered up, though.

21. I’m really old fashioned, to an extent. I don’t believe in having kids out of wedlock, and I only want to get married once. I think that (along with some other factors that are mentioned above) has kept me from settling down or just running out and having a baby.

22. I don’t really like to talk about the things that are bothering me, but I try to give clues as to what is wrong. Only the people that really know me are able to pick up on them, though.

23. I really am a nice guy! I adopted my “asshole” persona in high school. It was my way of dealing with being rejected by a girl that I was head over heels for. Over the years, I’ve mellowed out but I still have my moments when I can be a real jerk. I’ve always said that one day I would drop the facade altogether, and I think that time has finally arrived.

24. I’m deathly afraid of hospitals. It all stems from my father’s death. I recently had to go to the hospital to have surgery and I cried like a baby. They had to medicate me just to get me to calm down.

25. I’ve decided to go back to school, not only so that I can get my degree but I also want to join a fraternity. I’m really self-conscious about that decision, though. I’ll be 31 (going on 32) when I start taking classes and I haven’t been in a classroom in over 10 years.

26. My birthday is Omega Psi Phi’s Founder’s Day and my dad was an Omega. But when I was in high school and thinking about going to college, I wanted to be a Kappa. The first time I said it to my dad, he punched me in the chest. When I go back to school, I wanna pledge Omega Psi Phi just for him.

That’s all I want to share for now. But in the meantime, if you have any questions, just ask. I don’t bite.

Words From a Great Man Whom We Celebrate Today: I Have a Dream by Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Posted on by under In the Words of Another...

I am happy to join with you today in what will go down in history as the greatest demonstration for freedom in the history of our nation.

Five score years ago, a great American, in whose symbolic shadow we stand today, signed the Emancipation Proclamation. This momentous decree came as a great beacon light of hope to millions of Negro slaves who had been seared in the flames of withering injustice. It came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of their captivity.

But one hundred years later, the Negro still is not free. One hundred years later, the life of the Negro is still sadly crippled by the manacles of segregation and the chains of discrimination. One hundred years later, the Negro lives on a lonely island of poverty in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity. One hundred years later, the Negro is still languished in the corners of American society and finds himself an exile in his own land. And so we’ve come here today to dramatize a shameful condition.

In a sense we’ve come to our nation’s capital to cash a check. When the architects of our republic wrote the magnificent words of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, they were signing a promissory note to which every American was to fall heir. This note was a promise that all men, yes, black men as well as white men, would be guaranteed the “unalienable Rights” of “Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.” It is obvious today that America has defaulted on this promissory note, insofar as her citizens of color are concerned. Instead of honoring this sacred obligation, America has given the Negro people a bad check, a check which has come back marked “insufficient funds.”

But we refuse to believe that the bank of justice is bankrupt. We refuse to believe that there are insufficient funds in the great vaults of opportunity of this nation. And so, we’ve come to cash this check, a check that will give us upon demand the riches of freedom and the security of justice.

We have also come to this hallowed spot to remind America of the fierce urgency of Now. This is no time to engage in the luxury of cooling off or to take the tranquilizing drug of gradualism. Now is the time to make real the promises of democracy. Now is the time to rise from the dark and desolate valley of segregation to the sunlit path of racial justice. Now is the time to lift our nation from the quicksands of racial injustice to the solid rock of brotherhood. Now is the time to make justice a reality for all of God’s children.

It would be fatal for the nation to overlook the urgency of the moment. This sweltering summer of the Negro’s legitimate discontent will not pass until there is an invigorating autumn of freedom and equality. Nineteen sixty-three is not an end, but a beginning. And those who hope that the Negro needed to blow off steam and will now be content will have a rude awakening if the nation returns to business as usual. And there will be neither rest nor tranquility in America until the Negro is granted his citizenship rights. The whirlwinds of revolt will continue to shake the foundations of our nation until the bright day of justice emerges.

But there is something that I must say to my people, who stand on the warm threshold which leads into the palace of justice: In the process of gaining our rightful place, we must not be guilty of wrongful deeds. Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred. We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline. We must not allow our creative protest to degenerate into physical violence. Again and again, we must rise to the majestic heights of meeting physical force with soul force.

The marvelous new militancy which has engulfed the Negro community must not lead us to a distrust of all white people, for many of our white brothers, as evidenced by their presence here today, have come to realize that their destiny is tied up with our destiny. And they have come to realize that their freedom is inextricably bound to our freedom.

We cannot walk alone.

And as we walk, we must make the pledge that we shall always march ahead.

We cannot turn back.

There are those who are asking the devotees of civil rights, “When will you be satisfied?” We can never be satisfied as long as the Negro is the victim of the unspeakable horrors of police brutality. We can never be satisfied as long as our bodies, heavy with the fatigue of travel, cannot gain lodging in the motels of the highways and the hotels of the cities. We cannot be satisfied as long as the negro’s basic mobility is from a smaller ghetto to a larger one. We can never be satisfied as long as our children are stripped of their self-hood and robbed of their dignity by signs stating: “For Whites Only.” We cannot be satisfied as long as a Negro in Mississippi cannot vote and a Negro in New York believes he has nothing for which to vote. No, no, we are not satisfied, and we will not be satisfied until “justice rolls down like waters, and righteousness like a mighty stream.”

I am not unmindful that some of you have come here out of great trials and tribulations. Some of you have come fresh from narrow jail cells. And some of you have come from areas where your quest — quest for freedom left you battered by the storms of persecution and staggered by the winds of police brutality. You have been the veterans of creative suffering. Continue to work with the faith that unearned suffering is redemptive. Go back to Mississippi, go back to Alabama, go back to South Carolina, go back to Georgia, go back to Louisiana, go back to the slums and ghettos of our northern cities, knowing that somehow this situation can and will be changed.

Let us not wallow in the valley of despair, I say to you today, my friends.

And so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.”

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today!

I have a dream that one day, down in Alabama, with its vicious racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of “interposition” and “nullification” — one day right there in Alabama little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers.

I have a dream today!

I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, and every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight; “and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed and all flesh shall see it together.”

This is our hope, and this is the faith that I go back to the South with.

With this faith, we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith, we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith, we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.

And this will be the day — this will be the day when all of God’s children will be able to sing with new meaning:

My country ’tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing.
Land where my fathers died, land of the Pilgrim’s pride,
From every mountainside, let freedom ring!

And if America is to be a great nation, this must become true.
And so let freedom ring from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire.

Let freedom ring from the mighty mountains of New York.
Let freedom ring from the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania.
Let freedom ring from the snow-capped Rockies of Colorado.
Let freedom ring from the curvaceous slopes of California.

But not only that:
Let freedom ring from Stone Mountain of Georgia.
Let freedom ring from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee.
Let freedom ring from every hill and molehill of Mississippi.
From every mountainside, let freedom ring.

And when this happens, when we allow freedom ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God’s children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual:

Free at last! Free at last!
Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!

Today’s Reflection – 1/6/2012

Posted on by under General

Good afternoon world! How was your New Year’s Eve? I hope you had fun, did everything you wanted to do and drank all that you could handle. If you didn’t, I’m sorry to hear that. Better luck next year. Now, I know what you’re thinking, “How can he be reflecting on a day that’s only just beginning?” That’s easy and this time the answer isn’t asinine. Today’s topic has been on my mind for the past few days, but I wasn’t exactly sure if I wanted to put it in the universe and risk the potential backlash that could follow. So, I sat on something that was burning a hole in my heart until I could find a way to express myself without causing any kind of problems.

I know you’re probably on the edge of your seat, so I’ll get right into it. First a little back story…

I’m an asshole, through and through. I’m one of those people that just doesn’t give a damn what you think, feel or have to say. Especially if it has to do with me. I’ve been known to tell people exactly what I think of them at the very moment that I’m thinking it without my heart skipping a beat. But, I’m not completely heartless. There a select few people in my life that have my ear on everything and I care very deeply about their opinions. These are the people that I think know me the best. They have the ability to call me on my bullshit, even when I don’t recognize it. I turn to them for advice on just about every subject. If they ever needed me for anything, I would drop whatever I was doing to be at their side. These are the only people in my life that I would be willing to lay down my life for. I LOVE these 4 people almost as much as I love myself, sometimes more. There are only 4 people that hold this distinction and I would be devastated if I ever lost any of them. Case in point, there were 5 at one time and one of them died. I haven’t fully recovered yet. The funniest thing to me is that none of the remaining 4 people are related to me, but I consider them all family.

And that brings me to what has my mind and heart twisted in knots right now…

It may just be my perception of the situation, but my relationship with one of the people that is closest to me seems to be a little icy as of late. And while I try to put on a front like it doesn’t bother me, its slowly eating me up inside. And if it couldn’t get any worse, I consider this person to be my best friend. I’ve know her for most of my adult life and she’s probably the one person that knows me best. On top of that, we live together. So it feels weird to walk into a room that she’s in or her to enter a room that I’m in, and there’s no interaction between us whatsoever. I’m not sure if this tenuous situation is the result of something that I’ve done or if our friendship is deteriorating. But it irks the shit out of me. Especially when she’s known for telling me exactly how she feels exactly when she feels it. So I’m left over-analyzing what I think is going on. Not a good look.

That’s all I got for today. I thought I was in more of a sharing mood, but I guess not. So until next time, peace and love…

Today’s Reflection – 12/31/2011

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Good afternoon, good people! I hope this entry finds you in good health and even better spirits as we are finally at the end of 2011. For some reason this year has felt like it was long as hell! But I’m glad to say that I’m here to see the end of it and look forward to bringing in 2012. I know this is so cliche, but I feel like 2012 might actually be my year. I’ve had a hell of a time just surviving the past few years. So its got to be my time to shine, right? I hope so because I’m not sure if I can go through another year of living my dreams. Usually this would be the time that I would start thinking of a lengthy list of New Year’s Resolutions, but I’ve realized that that’s just a waste of time and energy. Let’s be honest, how many of us really hold strong to our New Year’s Resolutions? I don’t know about you, but I tend to forget about mine by Martin Luther King Day. So what’s the point? So this year, instead of making up a list of shallow, meaningless goals that I’m gonna forget about before the end of the month, I’ve decided to make a list of New Year’s Re-commitments. Basically, I wanna continue to do the things that I’ve been doing, but I want to try to do them a little better. I know you’re curious as to what is on my list, right? Well, read on. They’re all explained below…

I want to continue to progress towards finding a balance between the person I was and the person I want to be. Its no secret that my father’s death 4 years ago left me as a shell of myself. But, I never realized how far removed I am from MJB circa 2007. I was lighthearted, jovial, social butterfly that felt like the world was mine for the taking. More recently, I’ve felt like I’m a little too jaded to have that kind of eternal optimism. I need to get that back, that bright-eyed, energy that made me feel like I could do anything I want. But at the same time, I need to refocus myself on the things I have passion for. I’ve allowed myself to stray away from the things that bring me the most joy. I think that’s what has left me staring off into space, wondering why I’m afflicted with writer’s block for such lengthy periods of time.

I want to make more of a concerted effort to let the people that mean the most to me know how much they mean to me. I tend to find that I isolate myself from those that matter most. I don’t necessarily have a valid reason for doing this, but it has become my modus operandi as of late. So, consider this my official apology to those that I love and that love me. I’m sorry for being so distant, I promise to do better. I love you all and I swear I’ll do my best to make sure you know that.

I want to find love this year. Let’s make sure we’re clear on this. I’m not saying I want to get married before December 31, 2012, even though it would be nice if it happened. All I’m saying is I want to find someone that I can share that kind of bond with. I think its one of the major pieces missing in my life. When I sit back and think about it, I haven’t been in a serious, committed relationship since 2008. That’s a long time! Especially when it wasn’t a designed or self-imposed removal from the search for love. I will admit that for a period of time, I did pull myself off the market purely because I needed time to try and reconnect with who I was and am as a person. That’s still a process that I’m going through, but I’ve come to realize that its going to be an ongoing project. There’s no need to keep to myself. Also, I notice that the people that I find myself attracted to don’t always reciprocate those feelings, and the people that do find themselves attracted to me aren’t what I’m looking for either. Which is kind of strange, because I don’t really have a certain type of woman that I pursue. But I refuse to settle just because I want to settle down.

This is more of a resolution than a re-commitment, but I need to go see my father. I haven’t been to my father’s grave since October 2008. I told myself that I would visit him on his birthday every year. But, for one reason or another, I haven’t been able to do it these last 3 years. The last time that I attempted to, I freaked out on the highway and almost wrecked my rental car. But, my best friend has promised to go with me (she actually threatened me if I didn’t go), so I will be making that trip sometime in March. I’m not exactly sure how I feel about it. Part of me wants to go, wants to go see my family, hang out in the city I was born in (because I don’t consider Kansas City my hometown but that’s a story for a different time) and visit people that I haven’t seen in a while. But there’s a part of me that dreads having to go to the cemetery, stand over his grave and deal with all the emotions I have about his death. If I can barely bring myself to talk about them from 1000 miles away from him, how am I gonna handle standing inches away? My inner asshole, which I’ve been told is more of my outward personality than I care to believe, thinks its going to be an interesting trip. I guess we’ll see in March, huh?

That’s pretty much it. Those are the 4 things that I feel are vital to my personal success in 2012. Hopefully, I won’t forget about them by Valentine’s Day. So until next year, be safe. Peace and love…

Holiday Confessions

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Good evening good people. I hope today’s entry finds you in good health and even better spirits. I knew I wanted to write a new entry today but I wasn’t exactly sure what I wanted to write about until I spoke to a friend and she clued me in of her decision to confess her feelings for a mutual friend. I figured if she could make such a personal and intimate confession to one person, I could easily spill my guts to whoever feels like they want to read my rantings. So, without further adieu, here we go…

I’m completely conflicted by my feelings about holidays. One part of me is nothing but a big fucking softy and loves everything that holidays like Christmas and Thanksgiving are supposed to represent. I love the idea of being around my family, enjoying their company and basking in the abundance of love. Then there’s the bitter jaded side of me that hates the commercialization that the holidays have endured over the last couple of generations. I think a part of that comes from spending so much of my life around retail. Working in retail will destroy anybody’s holiday spirit. But I think a major part of it comes from not having my own family. Christmas is geared solely towards kids. I’ve always said that I believe that I’ll be more into holidays when I have kids. Its kind of hard to muster Christmas spirit when Christmas doesn’t really differentiate from any of the other 364 days in the year.

I’ve been single for the better part of the last decade. While that was by design when I was in my early 20’s, I’m starting to think its karma getting back at me as I’m journeying deeper into my 30’s. I made a lot of really fucked up choices when it came to how I treated women when I was younger. Before you jump to any conclusions, I didn’t do anything that could be deemed incredibly horrible, like physically abusing a woman. But I was very flippant with the way I handled women’s hearts. I’ve always been a charming man, even when I battled being shy as hell. I just think that I let that charm run amok, cause some unrepairable damage and quite possibly cost me a few very good chances at being happy. So now, I find myself learning my lesson the hard way. And I HATE it! I’ve never been a jealous person because I’ve always felt that I could go get anything that another person has if I really waned it. But now, i look around and see that some of my closest friends are experiencing things in their lives that I’ve been dreaming about for years and all I can do is watch from the outside. I kind of feel like an orphan walking past a house and seeing a family sitting in the living room. As bad as I want what I want, it doesn’t look like I’ll ever have it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m beyond ecstatic for my friends and I’ll never let my personal feelings erode the love and excitement I have for them. But for as geeked as I am for them, I’m equally depressed when I reflect on my own situation. It makes for strained conversations on my behalf. Its hard to not show my true feelings, but I want to make sure they know that it has nothing to do with them. Its purely my own issues that are kicking me in my ass. If you guys are reading this, I love you more than you know or I show and I really am happy for you. And that lets me perfectly transition into my next confession that has a little bit of back story to it…

I’ve been single since 2008. Since then, I’ve had quite a few friends get married. I’ve always found a way to skip the wedding because of my own personal problems until recently. At this wedding, I was coerced into participating in the archaic tradition of attempting to catch the garter belt. Anybody that knows me, knows that would I normally balk and protest this with every fiber of my being. That wasn’t entirely true this time around. Of course, I put a fight to save face. I couldn’t look like a complete punk. But I found myself wanting to catch the garter because I feel like I need every piece of luck, old wives’ tale and superstition I can get on my side right about now. So when the garter was (finally) thrown into the (very) small crowd of single men that were in attendance, I found myself thinking of it as if it was a football. And if you’ve ever seen me on a football field, you know what my mentality is like. Needless to say, I caught the garter. I still had to keep up my front and pretend like I was upset, but I was back flips and cartwheels inside. I’m not exactly sure if its more because of my competitive spirit or the fact that I’m ready to end this romantic drought that my life seems to be stuck in for the last 3+ years. My ego wants to believe its the former, but I’m leaning more towards the latter.

I have issues dating single mothers. This is nothing new in my world, but my reasoning behind is a little different now than it was before. Previously, I didn’t want to date a single mother because I was an attention whore. If there wasn’t the potential for me to be the focal point of a woman’s life, she was fated to be another in the long line of sexual partners I’ve had in my life, or at best, a friend. Of course, I never told a woman this because that would greatly diminish my chances of sleeping with her. But the thought was always floating around in the back of my mind. As I’ve gotten older, I have made some exceptions. Those relationships all failed, so I never felt compelled to let go of my disposition against single mothers. But I have evolved my thinking on the subject. While I still would prefer to date a woman that doesn’t have any children, my reason is one that I’m more comfortable sharing because I’m quite sure I won’t get slapped for it. I know you’re wondering, “What’s this new reason he has for not wanting to date a single mother?” Well, I’ll tell you. I’m now at a point that I’m looking to settle down and start my own family and I would prefer to do that with a woman that would be a first time parent, like me. Also, I’m afraid of injecting the drama that might accompany a woman with a baby’s father into my life. But like most things in my life that I want, I know the chances of finding a single woman that I want to be with that doesn’t have children is very slim, I’ve established concessions in my philosophy.

That’s pretty much all I can think of right now. Plus its 3 in the morning, I probably need to try to lay down and get that resembles something kind of like sleep. So, until next time, peace and love…