Good morning world! It is another beautiful day in Zamunda! Birds are chirping, the sun is shining, but my bottom lip is hanging down to the floor. Now I know you’re all wondering why. Well, the reasons follow…

First, today is the 4 th anniversary of the day I checked my father into the hospital. I know what you’re thinking, “Why is that important?” Well, on this day 4 years ago, I sat in the parking lot of the hospital and knew my father would never walk back out. It bothers the hell out of me that my intuition on that day was so spot on. My father’s death was, by far, the worst thing to happen to me in 27 years of living. And while I’m not the emotional trainwreck I was immediately after he passed, I am still subject to random bouts of depression because of it. They say mourning is a process, but they didn’t say it would be like this.

Second, I’ve had a lot of time lately to reflect on my life. And while I’m not doing anywhere near as poorly as I could be, I’m definitely not where I wanna be. That bothers me. Its not like I expected my life to be extra glamorous, but I didn’t expect it to be so unbelievably craptastic (in my eyes). I know I’m still reasonably young so I still have time to achieve the life I envision, but it seems a little bit out of my reach at the time.

Third, I’m facing a situation in my life that I am somewhat unprepared for. I’ve prided myself on the fact that up until this point in my life, I’ve never been in any real trouble with the law. But now, through a bunch of random acts of fuckery, that streak has come to an end. If I was a lesser man, I would probably be standing on somebody’s ledge right now. Let’s hope that my exceptional nature will help me through the minefield ahead.

Peace and love…

Its almost been 3 months since I last posted in this blog. Wow! For those of you that take the time to read my incessant ramblings, I’m sorry! I don’t have a good excuse for my prolonged absence, the only thing I can say in my defense is that my life is really hectic right now for some reason that is unknown to me. Usually, I would promise to do better, but I haven’t kept that promise yet so I’m not gonna make it again. I will say that I’m hoping to get my life to a point that I have time to do all the things I want to do. On to what brings me here today…

I’m noticing a decline in my ability to sit down and write. Not to say that the unthinkable has happened and I’ve lost my talent, it feels like I never have time to do it. And when I do try to devote time to writing, I’m never able to get in the proper mindframe to do it. To put it plainly, life has gotten in the way. When I was unemployed, I could write all day. There were times when I forced myself to not write, purely because I was in such a dark place in my life and I didn’t want to see my mind’s interpretation of it in black & white. All I wanted was a job, any job so I didn’t have to spend so much time dealing with my own demons. Now, I have a job but I can’t write anything to save my life. All I want now is time to sit down and express myself lyrically. While I would love to believe that this struggle is mine and mine alone, its not. I’m blessed to have coworkers that are experiencing similar problems when it comes to their own creative process. I guess we all need a vacation…

Good morning beautiful people! Sorry its been a while. Normally, I would lie and say I’ve been busy but I won’t do that today. I have been absent-minded when it comes to this blog. I’m truly sorry for that. But enough of my rambling apology, let’s get on with today’s topic…

I (finally) got my newest tattoo yesterday. If you can’t really tell what it is from the picture, let me help you: its a figure that is half angel and half demon. This image originally appeared in the movie Angels & Demons as a statue. The first time I saw the movie, I knew I had to get a tattoo of that statue! Not because the movie was so incredible or the message they were trying to convey was so powerful, simply because that statue represents the true nature of every person in the world. We’re all comprised of a good side (angel) and a bad side (demon). And while most people vehemently dispute the concept of duality, I embrace it. I know there are times when I can be the sweetest person that you know. But I also know that I can be the biggest asshole on the face of the planet. I’m not trying to say that its a good thing to be that way, but its who I am. Its part of my personality. I know what some of you are thinking, “He must be a Gemini.” Let me clear that up right now; I’m not. What I am is a human being who’s mood and attitude towards the world is subject to change at any given moment. But maybe the fact that I’ve not only accepted but embraced the split in my personality is what makes me so exceptional. Just a thought…

Good morning everybody! Sorry for the lapse in time between entries. I’ve been meaning to write more often but life has been getting in the way. I would say it won’t happen again, but would you really believe me? Exactly. Let’s get into today’s topic…

Now, I know you read the title and automatically thought that I was gonna blather on about 4 random women in my life that I have feelings for. You’re partially right! I find myself waking up every morning a touch saddened that I’m not able to see these 3 certain women as much as I want. The fourth woman I wouldn’t so much say I wish I could see her as much as I want, but I definitely do wish our relationship was different. Let me explain…

The first woman is my best friend. She’s been there to support me through some really dark times over the past few years and I hate that we don’t get to hang out as much as I would like. I might see my bestest once every other week. We talk on the phone on a somewhat regular basis, but I HATE talking on the phone so that doesn’t even count in my world. If I could have my way, I would like to see my best friend at least 3 times a week. Why, you ask? It’s rare that I meet people that I have so much in common with that we can almost finish each other’s thoughts. My best friend is only the second person that has come into my life that I have that kind of connection with. Most of our communication is non-verbal. Plus, if you know me, you know that I always feel like I’m on stage when I’m around people. Like I always have to put on a facade and be the witty, entertaining person that everyone else knows and loves. I don’t mind that because I’m a natural entertainer, I like to make sure everybody else is in a good mood and having fun. But there are instances when I need to take some time off and just be me. My best friend is one of 2 people in my life that I can do that with. I don’t have to be the center of attention with her. She’s perfectly fine with me just sitting in the room with her, quietly. She doesn’t ask me every five minutes if I’m okay or if something is bothering me. I love that! Hell, I need that at times…

The second woman is almost a carbon copy of my best friend. There are some similarities in their roles in my life but also some drastic differences. She inspires me to allow my greatness out. She puts a smile on my face with the simplest of things, a text message. She came and sat with me in the hospital when I was scared to death of being by myself. That is HUGE to me! Out of the 4 women I miss, I actually see her the most.

Now, the next 2 are kinda complicated. They’re both my mother, but they are 2 different people. Just read, hopefully it’ll make sense…

The third woman is my mother. For obviously reasons, I miss my mother. We live in 2 different cities, we barely talk on the phone because our schedules don’t match up well enough to accommodate regular phone conversations, plus there’s my whole hatred for talking on the phone. Once again, this is a woman that was there for me through a dark patch of time in my life. That means a lot to me. I draw people like that closer to me because I know I’m not the easiest person to love, especially when shit is not going my way. So anybody that chooses to stick it out with me, I can’t help but love them for the rest of my life. My mother might be the one person that could get me to move back to Missouri. And I think she knows it! There was a point in time when she asked at least once a week. And I almost caved in…

The fourth woman is my mother. This is a different person from the lady mentioned above. As I said earlier, I don’t wish I could see her more, I wish our relationship was different (read better). You would think my connection to someone that is largely responsible for me being here would be unbreakable. Hell, you would think that the connection would exist. That’s entirely true. We do have a connection; it’s just not as strong as expected. Or at least, not as strong as I would prefer. I’m not saying I want us to be like best friends. I already had one parental best friend, not really up for another one. But I think our relationship could stand to have more interaction besides my infrequent and uncomfortable visits for holidays.

These women aren’t missed in any particular order. They’re all equally important to me in their own way. Until next time, peace and love…

First and foremost, happy April! know I promised to write more, then turned around and continued to ignore my…. 4 or 5 readers (that’s a joke). I’m sorry guys. My life is kinda all over the place right now, so its hard to find time to sit down and share with you all. But let’s get on with today’s ramblings. Bare with me, I have a lot on my mind so I’m going to try and touch on all of it in this one entry…

First, I once again find myself under attack by my nemesis, Writer’s Block. Every bout I have with this dreaded affliction scares me more than the last one. I think it’s because as I’m getting older, these creative brain freezes are occurring more and more. Plus, it never feels like I have Writer’s Block. I’m always tweeking something I’ve written, rewriting someone else’s work or working on one of my many unfinished pieces. It doesn’t hit me until I try to write something new and original. I’ve said this numerous times before; I identify myself in several different ways, some of them I’m not exactly proud of, but being a poet/songwriter is the one that shines light on my dark soul. And it truly and honestly scare the shit out of me when I can’t showcase that God-given talent. Everyone that knows me knows that I’ve had dreams of being a grandfather, sitting around dropping verses on my grandkids in between naps and episodes of Matlock. Writer’s Block makes me think that that dream might not come true and I hate that. I love being a writer so much, that I’m actually jealous of my friends that are writers and are able to write whenever they want. I could literally do without everything else in my life if I was able to write the way I want to.

Second, I got this old man at my job that I swear to God I’m gonna have to put my hands on! I’m not a (completely) evil person and I try to show people respect until given a reason not to. With that being said, this old man has found a way to move into the #2 slot on my hitlist (only a select few know who #1 is). That is an amazing accomplishment, especially when you consider that I’ve only been working with him for 4 weeks and the first 2 weeks he was okay! How the hell do you rub somebody the wrong way in 14 damn days?! It sounds completely unfathomable! But he found a way to accomplish it, kudos to him. Now somebody tell him to avoid me like the Black Plague, because I’m sure to bring certain death if he doesn’t. Let me tell y’all what he does. I work in the men’s shoe department at Macy’s, and I work on commission. So this old man’s first crime is that he’s a shark, he steals sales. And if you stealing my sales, you stealing my money. Strike one. Like everybody else, he’s had a hard life. But unlike everybody else, he refuses to take responsibility for what happened. That’s not enough to dislike person, but the fact that I’ve heard his life story so many damn times over the past 28 days is! This old bastard tells his life story at the drop of the hat to anybody (whethere they’ll listen or not) all damn day, every damn day! Strike two. If that wasn’t enough, he’s one of those old people that’s under the delusion that he deserves your respect purely because he’s old. Where they do that shit at?! Age is not an automatic qualifier for respect. Respect is though! He believes he should get to take a break whenever he wants just because of his age. I’m fine with him not being around. But if you say you’re gonna take a break, take a damn break! Don’t stand around complaining about needing a break but not do anything about it. Either go or shut the fuck up! And he likes to talk down to people because he’s older than them. Age does not qualify you to be my superior, especially when we have the same title and I made it there with less formal education than you and in half the damn time! And he doesn’t know how to control the volume of his voice. I shouldn’t be able to hear your side of a conversation from 75-100 feet away! There’s no need to be that damn loud! Inside voices are for where? Inside asshole, so use it! Strike three.

Third, I don’t know how many of you are single. I have even less of an idea of how many of you are happy being single. But I’m here to tell you, I HATE THIS SHIT! Let me clarify, I am content with my life as a whole. I’ve never been to jail, I don’t have a bunch of kids running around, I’m gainfully employed, I dress nice, I’m intelligent and reasonably good looking. I don’t really have a lot to complain about. But I’m a hopeless romantic, so the one thing that’s missing on that list is one that carries quite a bit of weight. I dare to say that it just about carries the most weight. And we’re entering the time of the year that being single is magnified in my mind. Spring is the time of the year for love, but it looks like I’ll be a spectator this year. Again. That’s not to say I don’t have my romantic encounters, I do. But my list of porsective love interests isn’t exactly what I’ve been used to. Maybe I’m asking for too much of myself.

For all intense purposes, I’m damaged goods in the romantic sense and I’m not just referring to the whole melodrama that partially played out in this blog. Let me start from the beginning. First off, I’m really shy. While I’m not completely hampered by my shyness (unlike most shy guys, I can talk to women that I’m attracted to), it does hinder me from approaching and interacting with women in a way that best reflects my true intentions. I either end up in one of 2 places: the friend zone or the booty call list. While neither of those is completely horrible, sometimes that just isn’t where I wanna be. Secondly, while I’m not the worst man running around town, I’m definitely not the best. I’m somewhat shallow, fickle at times, pretentious, picky, selfish, a little conceited and I’m a world-class asshole. In other words, I’m a full-time job with mandatory overtime. I offer a lot of great benefits, but you’re gonna have to work your ass off. It’s gonna take an exceptional woman to deal with me and I have yet to meet one that is up to the task, as well as willing and available to take it on. Let me explain that. I have met women that think they are equipped to deal with me on a romantic level and I’ve met women that I feel are capable of doing it but they’re unable to commit to me, for one reason or another. And that brings me to my third point. I have a pretty bad track record when it comes to relationships. As much as I would like to break down and tell my horror stories, I’m not completely comfortable doing so at this time.

My best friend tells me that I need to be patient and that it’ll happen when its time, but I just don’t see it. Plus, as she loves to tell me everyday, I’m kinda long in the tooth. Time isn’t standing still, waiting on me to find a woman to spend my life with. Plus, I’m really impatient! How long do I have to wait? Damn…

Well, that’s pretty much all I feel like sharing right now. Maybe I’ll write another entry tonight or tomorrow morning or the day after or…

I’m sorry I’ve been neglecting my blog lately. I told myself I was gonna make a more concerted effort to write a new entry on a regular basis, I even downloaded the WordPress mobile app onto my phone. But there’s so much going on in my life, that this blog somehow slips through the cracks. I’m truly sorry about that. But back to the topic….

I’ve never let anyone in how my whole songwriting process works… until now. Most songwriters are able to churn out a decent song in a day, a good song in a week and greatness takes a little longer. And, of course, there are those instances when we catch lightning in a bottle. For most songs that I write (especially if the topic doesn’t touch too close to home), I hammer them out within a 24 hour period. But when I try to touch on those emotional subjects that I hold near and dear, I slow my process all the way down. The reason I do this is because I want anything that comes from personal experiences and emotions to evoke a similar emotion in the listener. I need those emotional songs to be great because I feel those are what builds a legacy. Anybody can write words. There are a lot of people that make music. But there’s a select few that are so great at their craft, that they can reach out and touch you through their music. I want to be known as one of great musicians/songwriters. I want people to tell their kids about songs that I wrote or performed. Not so much because I want to be famous, I could do without the fame. I want to know that my legacy will live on in some form long after I have left this world. But this desire to make my songs incredible comes at a price. That pursuit for perfection leads me to overanalyze every individual part of my songs to the point that I can’t ever call them complete. Songs that I have deemed “finished” are still subject to being proofread, tweaked, adjusted and in some cases, completely re-written in attempt of reaching the desired goal. I’m getting better about it though. I’m starting to trust that my ability to insert my emotions in my writing moreso than the technical aspect of composing. Its a process. Previously, I would post new songs on FB in an attempt to get a feel for how the lyrics themselves are interpreted and felt by a sample of the public. But now that I’m so close to recording this album/mixtape, I’m not sure what I can do to get that type of reading. I’ve tried letting my close friends read my lyrics, but I’m never sure if their responses are totally honest or if they’re just being nice because we’re friends. I guess I’ll see what the world has to say once I put it out there. Wish me luck…